Issues with this online dating bs

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2006
Issues with this online dating bs
8
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 8:55pm

Here's my story...

I just finished a six month membership at eharmony, with no luck at all. My biggest issue was getting to the meeting stage. I figure you pay over $100 for the service you ought to be able to get one date out of it. I can maintain conversation for a while, but somehow the guy just drops off and disappears. I know my looks aren't great, but I'm not a monster. I am very educated, that could be a turn off, but what's so wrong about liking school? So, I put up a profile on match.com because there were so many cute faces (they look like angels compared to the guys on eharmony). I try to wink at 5-10 per day just make it look like I am trying to participate. I honestly would rather be contacted, I'm a little old fashioned that way, and I need someone who is a little aggressive, since I am shy.

So far I really like match because I really don't have to start a membership until someone interesting actually e-mails me (it could take months). My only problem is match.com has this denial button. I keep getting the "not interested" notes, (very crushing to the self esteem -- on a bad day I might just ball my eyes out). On the other hand the 40-year olds are more than anxious to meet me. (I'm 24, myself), I'm thinking that maybe I am just too young for all of this. I should come back when I am 30, and some of the men I'm going for are a little more grown. I am just wondering if this is a normal occurance for everyone? I keep telling myself that half of these guys are on the dating site for a reason, because no normal woman will date them. Of course, on a bad day I figure I am the one that has the problem.
Thanks for the help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2006
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 10:37pm

A significant number of those perfect men you see on Match were on Match when I was a member LAST summer, and they're still on there. So don't feel too awful. I'm starting
to think that online dating is very shallow, but I keep doing it because I know a
number of people who've had successful relationships and even marriages using online
services.

Oh, and it doesn't get any easier at 30. I AM 30.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 9:08am

No it's no different in your 30s because in your 30s you'll get contacted by the guys who are in their 50s and 60s. Or you'll be contacted by men who are 21 and looking for "older women."

To the OP: Men are all about how you look. The better you look, the more contacts you'll get.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:16am

I believe it is the looks that is the primary criteria as the desirability factor for dating. It is too hard to get to know the personality via the "not-in-person" way plus men are visual (hence the online porn industry). I believe the traditional ways of meeting people are better to increase your chances of making a connection. Church, social groups, volunteering, etc. are ways that have people to get to know each other beyond the physical appearances.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:36am
I think the issue is simple. Not just men, but people in general behave the same when confronted with an overwhelming number of choices. People become pickier when they have so many options. OLD can work, and has worked for many people. Its just another avenue availiable for single people to meet each other. It is no better or worse then meeting people at church etc. I think that people are more willing to reject possible dates for reasons they would overlook if they met the person irl. Its very easy to look at a picture for a few seconds and dismiss the person when you have hundreds of other pictures to look at.
We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:21pm

My experience with the age thing you are talking about has been this:

Guys 20 - 35ish are very involved with their career. They take all the on-the-road sales positions, relocate to a new position/promition opportunities and are not looking for a long-term relationship because they're either never home or will be relocating in 6 months. They are at a lot of the restaurant bars eating alone and will/are looking for a one-night stand... long-term for the next time they are in town. As a bartender, I've met them.

Then they hit 36 and go "oh s**t, I need a wife and family." And because I am successful, I am only going to date women who don't have kids. I deserve to have the perfect family. Well, a lot of us women who are 30+ have been married and divorced, have kids and aren't planning to have more kids. So, the age bracket for these 36+ men drops down so they can find their perfect scenario.

I know this is not all guys/gals, but it is a lot of us.

:-) Good luck (I mean it in a good way.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2006
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 12:36am

Hi,

I'm on Match, too, & I'm only 25. I like it, but I know what you mean that older men write you a lot. If you're getting "not interested" it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. I send that to guys when I've just started talking to someone else on there b/c I don't think it's right to have a bunch going at the same time. It's hard for me so I'll just say "not interested." Your timing just might be off - you never know, the guy could write you in a few weeks.

Also, don't just wink at people. They hate that (so do I) b/c you don't communicate anything. If you really want to make Match work, you should pay. It's not that expensive. People are probably saying "not interested" b/c I think all you can do is wink if you haven't paid. Also, people that have paid want to see that you're really doing this, otherwise you just seem like a spectator.

I don't think you're too young. There's girls on there younger than us. Besides, I started looking on Match in part b/c I wanted to meet older, more mature & more professional guys than I was meeting by going out.

Give it a chance, girlie! Also, you gotta kinda commit to it. I'm not an expert, but I've made some friends. Now, I just have to get over my apprehension & meet them in person. Have you gone out on dates from online?

--Deanna

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2006
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 12:42am

W/respect you are SO RIGHT.

I'm only 25 but I can't find a guy near my age who's not completely absorbed w/ his career - always traveling, talking about it, obsessed w/ advancing. I've started dating men in their mid-30s b/c I feel like they're really looking to meet someone for long-term, but I always wonder how if they're so great they didn't get married before. Seriously, a lot of those 35 year olds who were so career-obsessed are now nice guys. So, I think you're right. The weird thing is, if I think objectively, like whoa I'm dating a guy who's 33 - that's *8* years older than me & it seems crazy. Yet, in person, the 33 year old seems no more mature than I am. He tends to be a bit shy, even. Go figure. Maybe women do mature faster. Maybe some men never mature at all!

XOXO
--Deanna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 10:23am
I just wanted to tell you that a lot of what you are feeling is very common with OLD. As far as what you think you should be able to expect for your money. I think of it in terms of what it would cost to be exposed the the same number of potential people in any other way. Going out or enrolling in other types of classes or activities would cost as much and might not give you the same number of prospects even if they were more interest specific. Then about getting a lot of not interested responses on match. I would rather know early on if someone really doesn't think there is any interest. It can be hard to really tell from the amount of information given in a profile but sometimes there is just one bit of information that may tell the other person that it just wouldn't work. I also think these issues are the same no matter the age of the OLDer. There are people with all kinds of motives for doing this regardless of age. But remember some of them are just as sincere as you are. I am also a firm believer in the theory that every person we come in contact with can teach us something that can help us be much more prepared to know when someone different and right comes along. Even the rejections can help you strengthen your sense of what you really want if you keep a positive attitude. Good luck