Is it a gender thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Is it a gender thing?
28
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 4:50pm

I'm one who tries not to stereotype, but I've had a few conversations recently about whether or not it's a good idea to date someone who is recently divorced.


I've been single now for four years and didn't feel ready for dating until about 18 months after my marriage ended.


But every man I've gone out with has re-entered the dating scene much faster, sometimes within just a few months of divorce.


Is

Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.          &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 9:02pm

So after a couple dates and one intimate encounter, he decided he really wasn't ready to date after all, and was having conflicting feelings about his soon to be ex-wife.


Oh I hate to hear these stories. It's hard enough out there without meeting someone who just isn't ready for much of anything. I'm sorry about that.


I am being courted by a new divorcee myself. I'm proceeding with caution. He didn't want the divorce which was final in the fall. However, he said he's ready to move on and wants a relationship. I suggested that he date...a lot. I agreed to a second date but I'm going to be clear that I intend to see other people. It's been over 20 years since he's been in the dating world. I can't see why he'd want to be exclusive right now.


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.          &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 11:36pm

I get the feeling that when they are first divorced, they are lost without their s/o, and don't know how to act. It takes time to adjust to being single, and many don't know how to be single, so they think they want another immediate long-term relationship. (This happens to many women too.)

However, once they date once or twice, they realize, "hey, wait a minute! I get the chance to meet as many women as I want" and all of a sudden it's "maybe I really don't want to be in a relationship - I want to play the field". So I'd rather they have that chance to play the field, get it out of their system, and learn what type of woman they really to want to get serious with, before I date them :)

Though the guy I was with said he felt guilty and was having conflicting feelings about his stbx, he probably realized he was not yet ready for a long-term relationship, so pulled back. I say this because it only took him about 10 days before I saw him back online! Playing the field . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2007
Sat, 04-17-2010 - 9:49am
I think it depends on the person really.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-18-2010 - 1:37pm

I though the same thing when I was separated, but realized several years later that it wasn't at all true.


I'd be interested to hear your perspective on this two years from now--I bet you will find that you still have/had plenty of grieving/processing to do.


Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2009
Sat, 04-24-2010 - 7:40pm

i was in a similar position as the previous poster. the relationship had gone south a long, long time before I filed for divorce. In fact, once I made the decision, I put off serving papers for 8 weeks -- until my son's bar-mitzvah was over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2007
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 12:40am

After me and my 2nd ex husband divorce he was married again with 2 years. It took me almost 6 years, and after that divorce. I joined a online dating site almost immediately but I must admit I didn't really date for a year and half. And then sparsely. I think I can count on one hand how many dates I have had in the last three years.

I think my third ex has dated off and on since our break on.

Men recover so much quicker. What does that say about their true feelings for us.





@HoneyyDater Come listen to my very random tweets about dating after 40.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2009
Sun, 04-25-2010 - 11:40am

Thanks for your input everyone. It's interesting to hear different perspectives on this topic.


I suppose I've come to the conclusion that readiness to date after a long-term relationship really equates closely to each person's general attitude in life about dealing with or moving on from any emotionally difficult situation.


I have been dating the recently divorced man for a month now and while I'm still proceeding with caution, he is one of the most emotionally healthy men I've met. He likes dating one woman at a time and does not speak ill or longingly of his xW.


In fact, he is working hard to change the way he does things in the future because he realized

 


Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.       &nb

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 2:28pm

I was in a 19 yr marriage.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 04-26-2010 - 4:42pm
Very well put, Mark.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2009
Tue, 04-27-2010 - 7:25pm

I have to respectfully disagree as I don't think this applies to every single person getting a divorce. I came out of an almost 15 year marriage -- and 3 children.