Is it a gender thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Is it a gender thing?
28
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 4:50pm

I'm one who tries not to stereotype, but I've had a few conversations recently about whether or not it's a good idea to date someone who is recently divorced.


I've been single now for four years and didn't feel ready for dating until about 18 months after my marriage ended.


But every man I've gone out with has re-entered the dating scene much faster, sometimes within just a few months of divorce.


Is

Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.          &nb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Thu, 04-01-2010 - 6:22pm

My rule is they must be six months out from the finalization of the divorce to make them dating material.

It just seems that anything before that is very rebound-y and baggage laden.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 5:50am

Rules are silly. Divorce is based on a legal timeline, not an emotional one.

You can't define when someone has wrestled with their baggage based on a calendar.

Doesn't it make more sense to evaluate each person on their own merits?

sooooobig
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 6:44am

I think, in general, it is true that men re-enter the dating scene after a divorce much sooner than women. Not sure why that is.

I am wary of dating a man who is separated or newly divorced. It wouldn't stop me, but it would be a red flag. I think every case is different, and must be evaluated on the circumstances, but I think in general, it's not a good idea. I don't want to be someone's rebound. I hear people say all the time "I did all of my grieving and healing while I was still married," but I don't believe it. I did plenty of grieving while I was married, but trust me, that did not make me ready for a relationship when I first got divorced, even though we had been living apart for 8 months.

So, I don't have a rule in terms of how long one must be divorced. But I will say that most people need at least a year to be at all ready, and some need way more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 11:37am

I think, in general, it is true that men re-enter the dating scene after a divorce much sooner than women. Not sure why that is.


I don't want to offend our male peers here because I love their perspective. But I'll throw it out there anyways because this is a place where we grow from hearing and challenging each other's perspectives.


Is it for sex?


Okay, pick up your stones, I'm ducking :)


Seriously, I've gone long periods without it. I don't like to, but my last BF and I dated for 8 months. When we agreed to mutally end it, he said he wasn't going to date

Your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you’ve cheated the man in the glass.          &nb

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 4:43pm
It depends on what you are able to handle. Many men are able to separate sex and emotions (at least in the Culture of the US. Many women seem to attach emotional and sex. That is one reason. Another is the person themselves. What does dating mean to you? Do you try to pair up asap?
I am a guy who hates "dating". I much prefer to meet by shared activities or run in or at a club that a "date". (So I suck at dating)
For myself I discount instant attraction chemistry as it is not dependable. I have had the strangest things happen.

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Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 7:46pm

I think men get into another relationship faster than us women because they don't like to be alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Fri, 04-02-2010 - 10:47pm

Five years, ha ha.

I met a guy on OLD once who said he was "almost divorced". Well, for some people, the divorce process can take a long time, so I thought what the heck and I met him. On the second date he let me know that he had only been out of the house for FOUR WEEKS...but the marriage had been dead for a while, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Well, in his state you have to be separated for at least a YEAR before you can even go to court for the divorce, so I declined another date!

My ex moved in with someone six months after we got divorced (after 20 years together). I have been dating and only meeting loons for three years, so I have no answers...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2009
Sat, 04-03-2010 - 10:20am

I'll park my agreement here. I started dating about a month after I asked my ex to leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 5:15pm

This question has been bugging me too, for some time.

The problem with the rebound relationship is that most of the time neither the rebounder nor the reboundee know that they are in one until it is too late.

In my experience, men do tend to enter the dating world much quicker than women do. Not sure why. Problem is, there is like a 5 minute time frame between them rebounding and already being coupled that is so hard to hit... If you don't wait too long, you end up a rebound, wait too long and he is already engaged or living with someone... of course, I am exaggerating here quite a bit.

I guess its a gender thing. Few women come here saying "I want to date, but I am not ready for a relationship" while there are a lot of men out there who will do that. Almost as if they are grieving in layers, or don't want to grieve at all.

Or, it could be that men don't over analyze everything, cry on their friends shoulders, eat gallons of ice cream while watching chick flicks, but rather go to bars for beer, watch games, play pool...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
Mon, 04-05-2010 - 11:37pm

I prefer that a guy be at least one year out of a divorce, but of course that little red flag didn't stop me a couple months ago. Most men (and women, for that matter) need time to sort through their emotions and get used to being single and date around enough to know what they really are looking for.

This guy a couple months ago isn't even divorced, but they have lived apart for 10 months and he said it wasn't an issue, they already know what they are going to split up, their marriage is over, he's ready to move on, etc., etc.

So after a couple dates and one intimate encounter, he decided he really wasn't ready to date after all, and was having conflicting feelings about his soon to be ex-wife. Yep, I got to be the first rebound. Not likely to happen again!

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