It Happened Again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2006
It Happened Again!
6
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 9:13pm
I met this wonderful guy, we have been out on several dates over the past month. We hit it off great. We have a lot in common and are very attracted to each other. Now he is re-thinking the dating scene. He is not sure he is quite over his last relationship. I am tired of putting myself out there only to be rejected due to unresolved issues in the guys lives. Why do people put themselves out there if they aren't ready to move on? Yes, perhaps I am having a pity party, but I really thought this guy was different. I think I need to just walk away from the whole dating scene and concentrate on other aspects of my life. This is all just too hard. I know what I want, but so many out there only think they know and I don't want to be the one who gets pulled into their issues. Thanks for listening, I just needed to put this out there. I am discouraged, sad and tired of the whole thing. Anyone else feel this way? Kim
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
In reply to: kec529
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 10:48pm

Hi Kec529,

I could have written your message. The same thing just happened to me and has been happening to me for the last 2 years. I was dating a guy for about a month, everything was great! He treated me great, complimented me more than any man I've known, and gave me that "WOW" feeling. He made future plans with me, said I was a man's dream woman and he wished he had met me sooner. We even made plans to take a trip to Chicago last week. Then, within 48 hours, he changes his tune. He doesn't return my call and the next day calls me and says he is having problems at work, he needs to focus on him and that he felt like things were moving too fast and he wasn't ready for another serious relationship. He just got out of one 6 months ago. He wants time to be single etc.

I thought this one was different too. I thought "wow, this is how things are supposed to feel." He was the one advancing, he was the one who just leaned over and kissed me out of the blue, he was the one saying all the sweet things to me and said I was amazing. When he ended things, he said he still believes all those things and thinks I am the perfect woman for him, but he needed to get his life straight. I don't know if he's full of it and giving me more lines or he's tellng the truth.

I am tired of the dating scene, this has happened to me so many times within the past 2 years it's ridiculous. My family and friends say I have the worst luck and don't understand it. So I feel for you, I had a major pity party for myself on Friday, cried it out, not only because of him but because I let my guard down once again and got burnt, again.

The best thing for the both of us is to focus on us right now, not even look for a guy. We have to take care ourselves first and foremost and love ourselves for who we are. No guy is worth feeling depressed over. I'm not going to let this one guy, who I knew for a month, who has some major issues, get me down. And you shouldn't either.

Hugs,

Stacey

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
In reply to: kec529
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 11:26pm

Kim,

You are not alone. We all experience the same. Most men are completely vain and unable to value women who are interested in them.

They can break-up with women with little or no reason or disappear altogether like ghost.

Hang in there.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
In reply to: kec529
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 2:11am

Wow! Both of you I can totally relate! I am tired of getting excited over someone to just have them disappear, especially after hearing them complain on how hard it is to be single. (I can't tell you how many men I have that complaint!) Especially when my social circle seems to only include people who are married and/or pregnant- its hard to hear "its only takes one"- yes and if you watch a single one of these dating shows all they do is tell you to date several guys at time! I'm sorry, I'm still not built for that- its hard enough to find ONE that gets me excited- let alone two or three at the same time? Please.

I've heard- I have the worst luck- lately I seem to find men (some who are still in their 20's) who do not want children. (And who do not have any) To me, that is a HUGE deal breaker. I go on singles vacations- because quite frankly I am sick of OLD dating- partly because there seems to be the same guys over and over- and the other part, is frankly I am sick of the rejection. There is only so much one person can take! I do take care of myself- I'm 34 and I know how to keep busy and I feel I care about myself to get out of situations where I find the guy is disrespectful or rude, and I find that guess what because of that I'm usually alone! I hate it, but again, I'm not willing to settle (not wanting kids, having substance abuse problems or money problems in my book is settling)- hey how old are you two? Just curious.

But, I do give you two credit for not chasing after these guys after they give you the song and dance... I hear of too many women that literally allow themselves to be treated like sh*t and keep waiting by the phone for these jerks to change their minds. I'm sorry you have to experience that pain, its ridiculous in this day and age for these guys not to seek out professional therapy! To cancel plans at the last minute like that- its unacceptable- its selfish and beyond immature. Once the trust is initially broken, the trust is gone- one disappearing act means another can follow, it sucks! I hope that decent women like you, find someone that gets a good thing- and that they regret what they gave up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
In reply to: kec529
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:02am
Yes, very much so. I have been burned so many times that I am no longer "active" on any dating site. I am tired of the deceptive advertising by men who claim that they are ready for ONE relationship and sound great in their profile. Then, after meeting, I also find that they have a lot of unresolved issues or have jobs that do not allow for a normal dating life. Yes, I have been where you are and I'm still in that place for the most part. However, time does heal a lot of wounds in love. Take a break from it and focus on other things. Then see if you are up to it again in a month or two.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
In reply to: kec529
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 10:12am

Stacey, so much of your story sounds like things I've been through. My last relationship lasted 3 1/2 months, although he did not have the guts to tell me he was leaving town & going back to the ex-wife due to a nasty custody deal. It's a sordid mess, but ultimately he could not handle the stresses of life AND a relationship. I am finding out that few men can juggle a relationship and other things going on in their life like a woman can. Multi-tasking is something they cannot do. I'm not making excuses for your guy, but I tend to believe what he told you. If he is having problems at work, then he probably cannot focus on anything but that right now. It isn't fair to you, but at least he did tell you and did not bail on you (without notice) like my guy did.

Quite possibly, if he gets his job stuff straightened out, he will give you a call and want to start over. But, I also hear you on how it was he who pushed things forward. I think it is very unfair to any woman to be told that it "moved too fast" when it was the GUY who did the moving fast. Somehow when a guy makes that statement, it's like he blames the woman or at least wants her to share the blame for what he led her to believe. When and if this guy calls back, you can decide it you want to see him again, but I would give him the benefit of the doubt about the job scenario. My gut feeling is saying he is being truthful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
In reply to: kec529
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 11:54am

Mitsy,

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's so reassuring and comforting to know that there are other women who have gone through similar things. I'm so sorry about the guy you were dating and that he didn't have the decency or balls, for that matter, to tell you he was leaving. I agree with you, I think men have problems juggling their lives and I think they freak out very easily. If you could have heard everything he said to me, did for me etc. you would have been shocked just as most of my friends and I were that he ended it so ubruptly.

I still don't know if I believe him about what's going on in his life though. He is still on personals and even updated it to say "I just got our of a 5 year relationship and am not looking to get serious. I want to enjoy being single and have fun." So he's still looking for someone to "date" but not have the attachment to them. If he was so worried about his job and finances, he wouldn't want to date and he wouldn't have the money to take someone out on a date. It's just messed up. I think he figured out that he was coming on too strong and needed to back pedal and get out before things got even more serious. Maybe he's scared who knows. But I know, no matter what is going on in my life or how long I've been out of a relationship, if the perfect guy comes along (like he said I was the perfect woman for him) I wouldn't let them get away.

Again, thanks for your words. I'm doing okay, just not focusing on men right now :)

Stacey