is it his problem or mine?
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| Tue, 12-06-2005 - 1:36pm |
Hey there,
Some of you might still remember me and my doctor guy who didn't follow through a few times. Well, we're still kinda seeing each other. Things have gotton a little better after I sent him a furious (yet polite) email because he didn't call on the day we were supposed to have a date. He had a somewhat valid reason although it didn't explain why he couldn't make a simple phone call to inform me (for those of you who remebered him being stuck in surgery last time... no, this was a different, new incident...).
It might sound stupid that I am still asking this, as many of you might say (or have said) to get rid of this guy asap. But he's still sending me mixed signals. We discussed about exclusivity last week. He agreed that since we're physically involved, exclusivity makes sense. Actually he was the one who brought up the topic, and he said it's entirely up to me, as he isn't seeing anyone else anyway. I didn't really give him a clear answer on whether I agree not to see other people. I guess I am still feeling uncomfortable closing up other opportunities since I still have doubts in him; more specifically, I still can't tell if he's being sincere to me. I know that I might be sending him mixed signals as well, since I've been reluctant to commit (he's brought it up 4 times already). It's not that I am playing hard to get... but I need to know that this is a relationship worth pursuing. I know he occasionally checks my profile, as I can see him in "Who's Viewed Me" section. Also, he mentioned casually just a day after I put a new photo on my profile: "oh, i see that you have a new photo now" and I replied, "yes, I just took the picture last weekend. Do you like it?" At the same time I was thinking, could this be sending a red flag to him, since I am still updating my profile?
What confuse me are these: first, he still checks his profile everyday, which is fine since I am still checking (and even updating) mine. Is he doing so because of my ambiguous attitude on exclusivity, or the signals I am sending him that I am still looking? Yesterday we were on the phone and he said he was in bed and was falling asleep. After we hung up, I signed on to Match and saw him online! His online status remained active for another hour and half or so. I was furious, not at the fact that he was checking, but that he might've been lying to me about being in bed falling asleep (i know he doesn't have a laptop!). Secondly, he seems to always say things like he misses me, when can he see me again, etc. But then when I tell him when I'll be available, he doesn't really make any plans for us to meet up (not even anything tentative - or if he did, like the day before yesterday, he'd forget about it the next day and ask me when we can see each other again?!)
I am very frustrated about the situation. I feel that we're both playing games with each other, although I really don't mean to do that intentionally. I am trying to play it cool because I don't want to appear too desperate and needy. I suppose I can't blame him entirely. Last weekend was my birthday, and I went to NY to party with my buddies, including my ex. I told him that honestly beforehand. He said he didn't mind. I probably wouldn't be very happy if he was doing that to me though... I just thought that it's too early in the stages, and we're not really "there" yet to celebrate birthdays together. But I feel we're kind of stuck right now. We only see each other once a week. Despite his busy work schedule and the distance (one hour driving), I can't help but feel that if he really misses me as he claims, then he would want to see me more frequently. I would appreciate some insights, please. I honestly don't know if I am the cause for the stalling of our "relationship" or he is. Thanks!
Jess

Ok...first of all, the "online now" status on Match.com is *notoriously* inaccurate, so don't base ANY decisions on that!
Why don't you just TELL the guy, "look, I'm really not sure about dating you exclusively at this point because because you are really inconsistent in wanting to see me, etc . I need you to show me consistent behavior over a period of at least a few weeks before I'd feel comfortable making that commitment. By that I mean, ."
Then see what he does, and go from there.
Sheri
It is too soon for exclusivity especially since you only see each other once a week and you live so far from each other. You are still in the getting to know each other phase and despite the fact that you became intimate so quickly, THAT in itself is not an excuse to be exclusive with someone! Sure, you probably should have waited to be intimate until you were exclusive, but that is water under the bridge now and you shouldn't enter into an exclusive relationship to "correct" that situation. Also, if you're not "there" to celebrate each other's birthdays, how on earth could you be "there" to be exclusive?
IMO, the constant pressure to become exclusive from him is a HUGE red flag. 4 times in a month?!?! He is not respecting your space or your feelings. You've told him you don't think you're ready. What he should have done at that point was say, "OK, well you know how I feel, please think on it and when/if you're ready, let me know." But no, he is constantly bringing it up which is putting pressure on you and making you feel uncomfortable.
Another red flag is the constant looking at your profile and the little comments here and there. He is being passively manipulative in this in that he wants you to be VERY aware he knows you're still out there on Match and looking for other guys when he wants you to be exclusive. IMO, I think it's another pressure tactic.
However, I don't know whether or not he's lying on the Match thing. I don't trust their "Online" statuses as far as I can throw a 2 ton boulder. From what I've heard, they're not all that reliable and stay at one status (i.e., active within 1 day) until they reach the next status. Also, he could show online if he has the Match.com stuff through MSN. If he stayed logged into his computer, it might have showed him still logged in.
So, IMO, I think he is one of those guys that always wants to have a girlfriend. You're the one he's seeing now so you are the lucky recipient of his desire to find an exclusive woman for the time being. I think you know in your gut that while he's good looking and fun to be with that perhaps he is not the guy for you and that's why you're still looking. Our gut feelings are there for a reason - trust in them and you rarely go wrong.
> So, IMO, I think he is one of those guys that always wants to have a girlfriend. You're the one he's seeing now so you are the lucky recipient of his desire to find an exclusive woman for the time being. I think you know in your gut that while he's good looking and fun to be with that perhaps he is not the guy for you and that's why you're still looking. Our gut feelings are there for a reason - trust in them and you rarely go wrong.
There are guys like that?? LOL. I thought girls are more likely to be wanting to be in a relationship. :P Thanks for both your inputs - I'll try to talk to him tonight. The good thing is that I don't feel as obssessed now as I was a month ago, and I am ready to end things with him if I still don't feel his sincerity after the discussion. Perhaps I am just fed up with all the games.
Jess
LOL Hard to believe isn't it? Well, I should modify that in that they like to have a girlfriend but they have no intention of a "relationship" so to speak. They are the ones that always like to have a steady chick to call and go out with but don't really intend to settle down any time soon if ever. He sounds like one of those guys. He likes the comfort of a steady, but doesn't want it to get TOO committed - thus the distance of seeing each other only once a week, calling when he wants to call, etc. He's keeping you around on his terms.
Good luck with the talk no matter what you decide. Let us know how it goes!
Once you start feeling fed up and frustrated it's probably a sign that it's time to move on. If you feel like it's worth it, have a talk with him. See how he reacts. It might be the determining factor in whether or not you proceed any further with him.
It does sound there's a lot of wishy-washiness and games going on. Maybe it keeps things mysterious and exciting for a while, but it sounds like you're tiring of it.
Good luck.