is it just personalities different?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
is it just personalities different?
19
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 5:32pm

I just started OLD. I talked with two guys on the phone from last week.

I met one of them last Sunday. Our conversation was good. I would like see him again getting to know each other more but I don’t feel I want to see him exclusively after the first meet. But he seemed want to do that. Since the meet was first time for me, he said something like that it was lucky that I found the one on the first meet. He also mentioned something like that we don’t need to meet others and we look like a cute couple together. Today he sent me a message and called me “honey” on the message.

Another guy I have been talking on the phone and exchanging emails several times. There are some ingredients in him profile I like very much. We are going to meet this weekend. The thing bothers me is: He has started to call me “cutie, sweetie, beautiful” but we haven’t met yet. From my personality side, I won’t say those kinds of words in such a nearly time. If I say them, I really mean it. Another side, I feel that it is little inappropriate to use those words in such an early time too.

Maybe it is just people’s different personality? Do I need to consider them as yellow flag? I would like to know how you guys feel? Anyone had this situation? Thanks for the replies in advanced!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 7:35pm

I would feel very uncomfortable with the first guy.......things are moving way too fast....very unnatural. Unless both of you are "head over heels" and have one of those amazing first dates (which I don't think happens very often) it was inappropriate for him to say those things. I don't even think I'd see him again. He just seems way too desperate.

With the second guy....the same thing happened to me last week. I was IMing a man that I just started talking to THAT day and he started using those words. I immediately told him after the 3rd time that I felt uncomfortable. He apologized and we talked some more. He told me he'd call me in a few days and I never heard from him again.....very strange. I guess it was all or nothing with him...

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 10:25pm

You'll probably get a general consensus around here that using these 'terms of endearment' so early on screams needy, clingy, immature and/or manipulative. Of course you ARE cutie & sweetie & beautiful, but those ain't your name! Those are sweet sentiments to be given & appreciated in reasonable doses at the appropriate time. It might also be a sign of a rebound situation, they are accustomed to saying these things to an ex and they want to say it to 'someone' again, you just happen to be there. I've been there on both ends, it's one of those human-nature things that just happens sometimes.

Gawd, I've learned a lot around here! ;)

Ideally these things should progress at a pace that you are both comfortable with, and if there's a conflict of pace, the slower pace should take precedence out of respect. It doesn't have to be a dealbreaker, but if it catches your attention, it's at least a little 'caution' sign.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 11:14pm

Phoenixmama, what you wrote made my mind clear to see the point. I wasn¡¯t feeling comfortable by called those terms of endearment. But I was not sure if it is because of my personality. So I will follow my gut's feeling.

Thank for the both replies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 11:52pm

You definitely need to put on the breaks with the first guy. He is moving WAY too fast. If I were you, I'd tell him that I want to take my time getting to know him because that is how great relationships build. He is acting very needy and desperate. Not to say that it can't develop into a relationship that way (one of my friends had a guy that was very persistent and very... attached very quickly and they have now been dating for a couple months) but it is not a good way to develop a healthy relationship. I don't think my friend's relationship is very healthy - they are way too dependent on one another and he is still a very needy, clingy, "she's all mine" type of guy.

As for the second guy, the nicknames are annoying you and you should just casually mention that it makes you uncomfortable to have him call you that before you have even met. If he doesn't like that, then he is not the right guy for you anyway.

Good luck!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 6:19am

Of course the guy wants to be exclusive right off the bat -- he wants you off the market so.... HE CAN STOP WORKING TO GET YOU...


Once he has a feeling that you're his -- watch and see what his actions become. I bet he cools off considerably.


If you are just starting online dating -- you owe it to yourself to be seeing multiple people so that you can get an idea of how you match up and what types of different people you are compatible with.


Read through the past messages here and you'll see how entirely common it is for people to cool off and drift away online. You also can't possibly know enough about a person within one meeting to decide to be exclusive.


Lastly, if you take your profile down -- it is EXTREMELY awkward to subsequently post it again should you have some doubts about the guy you've been seeing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 9:57am
Thanks lg. For the novice OLD, this is a very useful message board. I have been reading this message board for a while after I thought to try OLD one day. I posted a message about a guy I met from a dating service before and I got very useful advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 10:37am

I got below message from the second guy I mentioned. Yesterday we talked on the phone a little bit; I said that I won’t open myself so fast. On the phone conversation, he asked me if I am an affectionate person. I said this is too early to ask. I could only be affectionate to somebody I know very well and in a relationship with him.

I haven’t meet each other yet, I started to feel we are too opposite on showing emotions. He is so so open about his emotion. He has given lots of great compliment on me and my pictures. It made me to question his words. For example, he said he was honored to know me after I sent him a picture by email. Honestly, I consider myself pretty but definitely not gorgeous for someone to be honored to know me;). These things let me question if we are just personality different, or he is so immature to say those now. He is 35, I am 34.
I would like to want him know that I want things going slow without letting him feel criticized, or rejected. I did say our difference about opening and showing emotion, he felt that I was criticizing him. I still feel I like him expect for “too-much-sweet-words” which is annoying me. How could I address it again? Thanks for the suggestion.

***************
Are you sure you are interested in me? I'm an open person - I'm very
emotionally and physically affectionate which is a WONDERFUL thing when
I'm in a relationship with my significant other. IF that is you, you would reap a LOT of benefits from that. I enjoy holding hands, kissing, touching . . . in wonderful, sweet ways. It brings two people closer too. Please let me be myself. ;-) I like you.
****************

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 10:55am
This guy sounds really clingy, yes affection is wonderful when you're with someone but you haven't even met yet! Even then, affection has a time and a place and the bottom line is you just aren't feeling his vibe otherwise you wouldn't be questioning it this much. In my opinion, his behavior isn't healthy. It is beyond being affectionate and in touch with your feelings, you haven't even met yet and he is assuming you have this amazing connection already, that would freak me out and it seems really desperate on his end. I say tell this guy you feel you aren't a match and then move on, if it is making you uncomfortable it is making you uncomfortable and that's the main thing, regardless of whether he seems nice or whatever. Don't ignore your intuition.
Avatar for calilawgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 11:03am

I wouldn't consider the "sweet" nicknames a yellow flag- just annoying. I live in SoCal, so maybe I'm just used to men over using them. Personally, "sweet" nicknames too me are more intimate than casual dating. I only want MY honey calling me "honey", not every guy. Does that make sense?

What I do consider to be a yellow flag is the email you posted below. This email reminds me so much of my ex, G. When I first started OLD a few years back, I was getting frustrated with the process and was contacted by G. Immediately he was telling me how beautiful I was and how open and loving he was. The email you posted below could have been verbatim from one of G's emails. I fell hook, line, and sinker for all of it. 3 months later we were looking at engagement rings. A month later the "truth" of who he really is came pouring out and distroyed my world. So now I tend to be weary of these types of emails after only knowing each other for a very short period of time. They now come off to me as manipulative. Granted, my opinion is VERY jaded in this area. But you & this man really DO NOT know each other and it seems to me he's trying to make you feel guilty because you aren't returning his "openness."

I think your instincts are trying to tell you something. Listen to them.

By the way (and I know I may catch a lot of flack for this question), but is this guy a US citizen?

Let us know what you decide to do...

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 11:05am

this really sounds creepy.

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