is it over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
is it over?
12
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 7:08pm
I met S. 3 month ago. At the time he was 2-3 month out of 3year long relationship with the much younger girl he was very much in love with. She broke up with him needing her "space". She got involved with another guy and that fizzled out in about a month.
Back to the current events...
Everything was going fantastically well between S and me. We spent tons of time together and he even proclaimed he was falling in love with me. I met his relatives, our kids got alone great.
When his ex-gf found out about me - she started to follow him around. He plays in a couple of bands so she would show up when they play. This last Tuesday he told me that she came out to the bar where his band was playing and he talked to her. Ever since I have notice a big change. He is distant and seems very troubled.
Yesterday I approached him about us and about his ex and he said that he realized that he has unresolved issues with his ex and he needs to talk to her and that he has feeling for me too. He said that I deserve 100 % from him and that he feels he needs time to sort out his stuff. He was crying and it was all incredibly sad. He is going out of town and will come back on Sunday so we agreed to decide on how to proceed than. I asked him to exchange keys and stuff back but he refused to saying that this is not over and that it seem too abrupt.
I am so sick over this. I really like this guy but I worry if this is too much drama that will be there forever or is it really over for me? I know his ex and him have a long history together. Can I really hope for a good outcome?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: ivos2004
Wed, 02-01-2006 - 9:00pm
I know how you feel but I think there is a good chance he will forgive his ex and get back with her. Dont consider it over yet but be careful that men like to gradually end a relationship. They prefer to get ready for it mentally before they break up. Unlike women who cant do the withdrawal part when the other is still around. I suggest you be careful when discussing it with him. Look for clues of how attached to his ex he is and whether he still has anger in him... if you notice any of this take a break and see how you and he will feel. It is sad but I think he still has feelings for his ex and like all of us we are not v. rational when it comes to love he might v.well forgive her.
Be extra protective of your feelings first. Everyone else should come next.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: ivos2004
Thu, 02-02-2006 - 8:00pm
thanks for your advice. Majority of my friends tell me that I should move on or get ready to move on. You are right about love not being rational and to be frankly the only way I would consider to grow a relationship with him if he has feelings for me and not rational thinking. I don't know what will happen on Sunday but I anticipate the worst.
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: ivos2004
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 11:03am

Huge hugs to you ivos.... that's a really sucky situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
In reply to: ivos2004
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 1:02pm

It sounds to me he is being very genuine with you.

CL-Truewild1969

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: ivos2004
Fri, 02-03-2006 - 6:08pm

Thanks Phoenix and Jody.
I have not talked to S. since Tuesday as I proposed we catch up on Sunday night and I can barely stand it now. I ended up sending him a very short "my thoughts" e-mail that he won't see until Monday, I hope that doesn't damage anything.
I can't paste all of it here since it's very private but here is most of it though:
------------------
"sad situation we are now in.
As we go through our lives, passing through people and events, having babies,
making choices, falling in love, forgetting the ones we loved, looking at the
past, enjoying present, thinking of the future, manipulating, allowing,
revelations, exceptions, worries, tears, laughter. All so human and erroneous
and perfect in one.
I do love you as I am surprised at this myself to arrive to this so quickly but
what can I do. You are in a turmoil. Once so close and felt so distant last
week.
The world is still turning around and we will wake up every day to the sound of
our children voices and we will tend to their needs hiding our sorrows. I thank
God for their innocent eyes - my saving Grace."
--------------------------

He does remember the reasons why they didn't work out, that is for sure since he did tell me so himself.
I also know that she wants him back pretty bad - she has been calling his mother to "help with her religion questions" and picked up his daughter from his ex-wife because "they have relationship together" even though when she and S. were dating she could barely stand her sight.
Sometimes love is not rational, I just hope that I meant enough to him in this short time to desire a better and healthier love..




Edited 2/3/2006 6:43 pm ET by ivos2004
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: ivos2004
Sat, 02-04-2006 - 11:11am

>>I also know that she wants him back pretty bad - she has been calling his mother to "help with her religion questions" and picked up his daughter from his ex-wife because "they have relationship together" even though when she and S. were dating she could barely stand her sight.

Yikes - that sounds pretty creepy & stalkerish. Especially manipulating his daughter... no WAY would I let an ex stay involved with my kid, I can't see how that's the slightest bit appropriate.

Maybe other people think differently but I say when it's over, it's over, move on.

I'm *really* rooting for your guy to tell this girl to shove it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
In reply to: ivos2004
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 9:24am

I am right there with PM.

CL-Truewild1969

For further information regarding OLD including FAQ please visit our OLD Website at;

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
In reply to: ivos2004
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 7:22pm
update
S. and I met last night. He said he needs to break up. We talked stuff over. I guess it seems like the right thing to do under current sircoumstances even though it hurts.
From what I gathered he will spend time on his own and get himself centered so to trust his own steps.
We did spend last night together and it was very sweet - neither one of us could sleep. In the morning I asked to exchange keys and he gathered my stuff. He was crying and it was so sad parting away. He did say that he loves me.
When I got to work he wrote me an e-mail in response to an e-mail from last week and it was very moving. We talked pretty much most of the day and he said that if we haven't talked stuff over last night in such a clarity as we did - he felt like asking for another chance already but I asked him to take some time and when he is better - he can contact me and we will go from there. His response was that he will try not to contact me for at least a week and we will see how everything is. I think he should take longer but we will see.
I guess it's not the end yet. I really feel this was the right thing to do.
As PM said - if he comes back - he is all mine. Right?


Edited 2/6/2006 9:28 pm ET by ivos2004
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: ivos2004
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 7:35pm
Hugs, honey.... if it is meant to be, it will be. He probably should have taken more 'single-time' BEFORE you, and needs a chance to make sure he's doing the right thing. He sounds like a good and decent guy, but he does have some stuff to deal with before he's truly 'available' to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2006
In reply to: ivos2004
Mon, 02-06-2006 - 7:55pm
It sounds to me like he is being really mature about the situation. Most men would just lie about it. Good luck!

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