I've made a decision
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| Wed, 05-04-2005 - 9:42pm |
Alert the media! I'm done thinking!
I'm going to give this r'ship a shot. AS SP said in her last post, to break up around the 5-6 month mark is the easy way out. Sheri pointed out something as well, "Give him some time to THINK about it...you might be surprised at what he ends up doing. Or not...but at least you'll know that you tried your best."
He called me today. He only had about 5 minutes between meetings, but wanted to know how I was doing. I said I was just OK as I felt there wasn't enough time to cover what I really had to say. (and you all know how I can go on!) He said not to worry about things, that we'll work them out somehow. I guess he's thinking about it already.
Amjay's point about looking at the big pictire made sense as well. It IS only a few months out of the year. And if we can come to some kind of an agreement, those few months will be nothing.
Yes, we will visit this subject again. Next time, however, I would prefer we talk it out in person.
Also, I think I was feeling insecure as I've hardly had any relationships in the last couple of years. The guys bailed long before this with the few I did have. I think I was just anticipating that he was on his way to doing the same.
And thank you, thank you everyone so much. ALL the advice and ideas I've received really helped me to put things in perspective. Now I know why I like hanging around here.
Well, wish me luck, or I may be back here crabbing again in the near future!

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I'm sorry to hear about your late husband.
I would sit down and let him know the type of relationship your seeking. Just say asking to see you once during the week shouldn't be such a huge issue but it seems there is always something else that comes up. Say why not suggest we have a painting party - you offer to help and in turn he treats you to a nice romantic dinner - anything.
luv, you are on the line which separates communicating needs AND nagging. People tend to become tone deaf when hearing the same things over and over.
You've already communicated. Now is the time to relax a little and accept that change is gradual.
Think about this: you want him to want to be with you. What can he look forward to? Don't forget that he liked you because you were a wonderful woman. You still are. Take your eyes off his shortcomings for a little while and be.
JMHO.
amjay
I agree with both SP and Amjay. Luv is doing all the work in this relationship, and it's not meeting her needs. The weekday date would not seem like such a hard thing to arrange -- if he wanted to do it. It seems like you have to do all the asking, and it is causing you heartache. I generally find the "I'll have to check my schedule" answer really insulting when it's from somebody who you are in an intimate relationship with. You could call him on that -- say, "OK, I'll hang on while you get the calendar" -- but you might not like the answer you get.
I wish I had better advice than to just kind of back off a bit and give him a chance to come to you (kind of like petting a cat ;-)) if he doesn't then maybe it's time to cool it a bit until he can sort things out and decide where his priorities are.
"I'll have to check my schedule" answer really insulting when it's from somebody who you are in an intimate relationship with.
I agree, unless he’s some high powered traveling executive or self employed then that is rather insulting.
luv wrote:
"I'm going to give this r'ship a shot. AS SP said in her last post, to break up around the 5-6 month mark is the easy way out. Sheri pointed out something as well, "Give him some time to THINK about it...you might be surprised at what he ends up doing. Or not...but at least you'll know that you tried your best."
The key words here are "give him some time". The checking the calendar thing is irritating, I totally agree. But this is NOT the time to nitpick over words.
Not everthing goes your way in a relationship. To want to be part of a successful relationship is to be challenged at some point to go the distance.
I still agree she needs to give it some time too – I meant his remark was a rather selfish one because I’ve done it.
"Its more like “let me see what mood I’m in” maybe I’ll want to paint maybe I’ll want to be with you”
Right. Another good one: "I don't know what I'm going to be doing" -- excuse me, why can't you decide that THIS is what you'll be doing? The real statement is, something more interesting might come up.
It's funny I was just coming on to tell SP we have something set up, via email, for Tues night when I read alll your responses.
Another quick story, which I think kind of ties into what Sposa and Amjay said. My girls asked if I was seeing him over the weekend and, of course, I said no. They know I've been bothered by what's been going on. We share just about everyhting. The lines of communication are WAY open in this house! LOL My younger daughter (14) said something in the most innocent way, but got me thinking in a new direction. She said, "Maybe he just forgot what it's like to be a boyfriend." I thought that was a pretty interestting slant. I don't think he's dated a lot since his divorce.
My older daughter also had a good point (and I think something similar had been mentioned here)...maybe he's disappointed I keep turning him down when he invites me to go on the boat. The other side of the coin.
Also, something SP said in an earlier thread. He could be seeing me as a life long mate. I don't think he was prepared for that to happen. Now he may need to digest that.
A lot of "could be's", but all worth consideration.
So, with those thoughts in mind, I plan is to cut him some slack on Tues. and maybe for a while after that. It will the first time seeing him since we talked and I think it's a good strategy to keep it pleasant and strife free. Besides, I could use some down time from this battle.
My concerns have been clearly stated and I know he heard them. I'm going to give him a chance to "make good." However, if I don't see some genuine effort (I do give points for trying) being made on his part, we will be revisiting this subject again.
Also, something SP said in an earlier thread. He could be seeing me as a life long mate. I don't think he was prepared for that to happen. Now he may need to digest that.
Bingo!
Out of the mouths of babes ;-). The thought about him having forgotten how to be a bf is exactly what I was trying to get at earlier with my thoughts about him being set in his ways and needing time to adjust to being part of a couple. When you're used to pretty much just thinking about one person, it's a hard adjustment to thinking about two!
Your plan sounds like a good one. Give it some time to sink in and see if he at least is making an effort.
Sheri
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