Jumping to conclusions...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Jumping to conclusions...
49
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 10:29am

OK, I didn't want to hijack the other thread, but do any of you think that at times we women are just as guilty if not moreso of jumping to conclusions about guys "just not being into us" because they don't follow some magic formula we have in our heads of how they MUST act in order to be into us?

heather 5-18-10

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:00am
Excellent advice! Those of us that are serious about developing a LTR need to remember to keep our expectations realistic and remember the 80/20 rule! Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:27am
cl-vexer, Of course it is a two way street. Everyone has a dating history. That's all nice and diplomatic. Though, don't downplay what experiences women have been through just to point out how men think or vice versa (it's a two way street). There is a difference between jumping to conclusions and actually making a sound decision based on specific traits you don't want in a guy through lessons you've learned in the past. I feel really good when a moment comes a long and I actually put into action some lesson I learned in the past rather than repeating the same mistakes. It lets me know I have grown as a person and in my orientation towards dating/men/relationships.
You said, "No guy is ever going to be everything you want" but it helps to weed out the most important criteria! I don't have a "magic formula" of how a guy should be. Every situation is different. I feel like I make good decisions when it comes to men, and it is better to be alone for a while and chose the right man finally rather than be with someone all the time and the quality be pretty bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:47am

I am absolutely not downplaying women's experiences.

heather 5-18-10
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:55am

I'm sure it happens, but I think most of us have actually put some thought into how we want to be treated and whether our needs and desires are reasonable or not. We're all allowed to want what we want, and if we're not getting it, it doesn't make sense to settle for that person.

I also think most women give way too much benefit of the doubt, personally.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:07pm
I NEVER said settle!
heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:08pm
i probably jumped to conclusions the other day when cancelling a lunch date. The guy had initially asked me out...but as it came closer to the day he just didnt seem that excited about it. I had to ask him about it, things like that. So i lied and said i had something else to do. Maybe i'm becoming jaded by going on so many 'nothing' dates, that's why i'm taking a break. But i dont think i should have to track someone down about our plans when he is the one who asked me initially. However i talked to him last night ( i apologized) he said it was ok, he understood and we'd be able to do it another time. So then he was giving me other days he was around...so it made me wonder, hmm maybe he did really go on the date. who knows...all i knew was that i woudl have had to make some effort to get to this lunch date and i didnt want to do it for someone who i wasnt sure was really looking forward to meeting me. But then there's always that question...did i cancel on the wrong guy? could he have been someone great?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:11pm

Hmmm...I guess I don't understand your point, then. If you KNOW that you can't be with someone who is unreliable, for example, and a new guy shows signs of unreliability, then why would you keep seeing him? If you KNOW that you need to be with a guy who calls you frequently, and new guy never calls, why would you keep seeing him?

You may not have the same criteria and that's fine, but we shouldn't judge what's important to other people.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:19pm
I see both points. On the one hand, yes it's nice to have someone go out of their way to see you, not cancel dates, etc. But after 3 dates, maybe this guy did feel comfortable in being honest and saying, oops i forgot i had other plans. Would i have been thrilled with that? No. But i think we as woman also need to understand that the men we date do have lives, not everything is about us and not all men are going to give in to everything we want. Sometimes women expect that. If chanadevorah is truly searching for the one, her knight in shining armor, the man she will one day marry, then ok i can see why she lost interest in this guy. We cant expect everyone we meet after 3 dates to be perfect though.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:25pm

That's why I said what I did about having put thought into what we want and considering whether our expectations are reasonable. If someone is expecting "perfect", then perhaps that's not reasonable.

Besides, you can tell, I think, when a guy cancels and is sincere and apologetic in his regrets and truly wants to make it up to you, and when he's just phoning it in.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:29pm
well when i cancelled on someoen the other day, i really was lying, but i also went out of my way to be very apologetic and sorry...so I think sometimes you cant always tell.

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