Jumping to conclusions...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Jumping to conclusions...
49
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 10:29am

OK, I didn't want to hijack the other thread, but do any of you think that at times we women are just as guilty if not moreso of jumping to conclusions about guys "just not being into us" because they don't follow some magic formula we have in our heads of how they MUST act in order to be into us?

heather 5-18-10
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Registered: 04-09-2008
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:51pm
...exactly Sheri, I got the "just phoning it in"...he didn't seem sincere.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 1:54pm
"We women have a tendency to overanalyze things and also jump to conclusions."
If I have learned anything in my brief experience w/dating it is that I have to step back and not jump to conclusions, to take all the book dating advice (especially HNTIY) w/ a grain of salt. However, I also have to be wary of putting up with bad behavior and letting myself be taken for granted. I know, for me, it comes from a nearly 30 year history w/ a progressively more abusive spouse.
I made every mistake possible w/ 3-mo Fling Guy, I am soooo embarrassed by how emotional, insecure, and overly reactive I was w/him, but he was the 1st guy I'd been w/ after my X, so I cut myself some slack. That being said, I did break up w/ him over a last minute breaking of plans, I know I was overreacting now; however, in hind sight I realize things weren't feeling "right" for a while before that. That is what I picked up on in Chanadevorah's initial post. There was something not right about this guy's behavior towards her in general, so she decided to stop wasting her time. I applaud her decisiveness. I regret wasting 3 weeks being strung along by Horse Racing Guy, he still e-mailed everyday, but in spite of my broaching the topic of seeing one another again 3x (we'd had 4 dates in the previous 3 weeks) he wouldn't commit to seeing me again. So...NEXT, and for me next was my current BF.
We women also tend to accept being strung along and get hurt because we think there's more to a relationship than is really there. With M, my current BF, I try to think would I accept this behavior from a girlfriend?
IMHO, it is a difficult balance that each of has to find in each new possible relationship- do we just let things happen or do we stand up and be assertive when things don't feel "right". I guess it really comes down to how into him you are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:14pm

And I'm not judging either!

heather 5-18-10
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:29pm

Well, in her case, it became clear it wasn't just the breaking of the date, and I think that's true more often than not. It's not just one particular event, usually, it's a cumulation of things and the "one event" just ends up being the last straw.

But if it really is just one small thing that's not a dealbreaker, sure, give him another shot. But I don't think that happens very often.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 5:18pm

Im not wholeheartedly agreeing or disagreeing with this situation. I think everyone who has responded to this sitauation is female though...i dont want to sound sexist, but sometimes females are simply needier than men are...we need more reassurance. I'm not trying to offend anyone in the slightest, I will say that I am definitely someone who likes a lot of attention from a guy i'm dating and it is probably a big reason why i'm single. I think that if many men heard this situation they'd certainly not see what the big deal was and say that there was an overreaction here...i'd have felt the same way as the OP though. It seems like when i DO take that *I dont care* attitude, that's when the guys are banging down my door...it stinks. Because i very rarely have the i dont care attitude...but a lot of guys seems to like that.

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Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 5:57pm

I know what you are saying, but it seems like women are more serious about relationships in general than men are. I have been one of those women who hung on to hope and bent over backwards to try to accommodate a guy who was simply not making much effort to meet me halfway. I have done it and I know a lot of other women do it.

No guy is going to be 100% perfect for any of us, but I think oftentimes we settle (I know I have) in order to have someone in our life. Sometimes even when we settle but decide to stick with the guy, he still ends up breaking our heart. That is what I am still dealing with myself.

Then I go back online and look at the prospects and some of those same guys who were on there 2 years ago are STILL on there. I saw the profile just a few minutes ago of the guy who claimed that his sex skills were his best quality. Then I get pretty depressed thinking of the odds of meeting someone decent online. I know it has worked for others. I'm pretty cynical of it right now. Been burned too many times I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 6:53pm
I think that it's ok to let some things slide because no one is perfect but what we let slide and how much we are ok with, is all an individual choice. Some people won't tolerate not being called 4 times a day others will be ok with a man calling only once a week. The whole point is that you need to figure out what is best for you and what you can handle because it varies from person to person. There are different types of men out there to suit each one of our different needs and expectations. For me, I will be ok if a man cancels on a date once in awhile for good reason,but if it becomes a regular thing I won't tolerate it and if I sense that he's pulling away not calling as often and doubting and questioning too much and I no longer feel good about the relationship, then I'll say something and rethink the situation I'm in. I don't allow men to get away with too much but I try to let a few things slide here and there because we are all human, it just depends on what it is that this person is doing or how often they are doing it and if it's making me unhappy or if I'm indifferent about it. I like to think I"m confident enough to be able to handle certain things but I can tell when a man is in general putting me on the low priority list and I'm not ok with that and will walk if the situation is making me unhappy and if there is no resolution or compromise.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 9:20am

I just saw this post and think it's great... I too believe that many women (myself included) have these "formulas" in our heads of how a man should act. He should call us first if he wants a date, he should have the next date set by the end of the first one if he's truly interested, he should call X times in a week, he should go out with us X times before we have sex...


I'm not saying we should settle, but I think we have to stop attempting to fit the guys into our formula. And I think the more we defend our formulas, the more we have to wonder what it is we're really defending...


Great post Vex...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 12:42pm

I see the same trends as you do on here.

So much of the advice that is posted re: how to deal with a guy's behavior or what to make of it is soooo cut and dry. Forget him . . . don't call him first . . . don't expect anything . . .

I understand we all have our preferences and alot of us on here have had more than their fair share of disappointment.

But there is alot of negativity and reduced expectations among the board.

Like I said - I understand it . . .but I'm very happy not to be there "yet". I still get the butterflies over guys . . . I still go home from a date and day dream about it and look forward to "what may be" . . . yeah when things don't turn out it's disappointing . . . but isn't that what life is all about ??

I hope I never have the suit of armour around me that prevents me from getting swept up in a whirlwind . . .

. . . Corny - but better to have loved and lost than never loved at all . . . same can be said for "like" and lost . . .

. . . and this may be off topic - - but just a thought that some who have been so disappointed and jaded get to the point where they actually "look" for the bad qualities in those that they would otherwise fall for the hardest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 12:52pm

Barbara, Great post!! You said:

"I still get the butterflies over guys . . . I still go home from a date and day dream about it and look forward to "what may be" . . . yeah when things don't turn out it's disappointing . . . but isn't that what life is all about ??

I hope I never have the suit of armour around me that prevents me from getting swept up in a whirlwind . . .

. . . Corny - but better to have loved and lost than never loved at all . . . same can be said for "like" and lost . . ."


I was just thinking about this point yesterday. It feels so great to get caught up in that rapture of having a crush on someone. I'd rather spend life that way than not having experienced it at all and being lonely. It's easier for me now to realize that those feelings don't mean the relationship will go anywhere, but there's always the possibility it will turn into something long term. :-) and that's just simply fabulous...