Jumping to conclusions...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Jumping to conclusions...
49
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 10:29am

OK, I didn't want to hijack the other thread, but do any of you think that at times we women are just as guilty if not moreso of jumping to conclusions about guys "just not being into us" because they don't follow some magic formula we have in our heads of how they MUST act in order to be into us?

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 1:38pm

Smug and Judgemental?

If being happy with myself and who I am makes me smug and judgemental . . . well so be it - I guess I am :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 1:41pm

Hi Sheri,


Not asking anyone to defend themselves here... but for me, if what I'm doing is not working or getting me to where I ultimately want to be, then I question my actions/formulas and look to others' so I can see what to "fix." That's all I was saying, but maybe not as clearly.


:o)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 1:43pm

There are ways of conveying that without putting the choices of others down and if that's what you had really wanted to do, you would have done it. You strike me as a pretty intelligent, well-spoken woman...you knew exactly what you were doing, so stop being disingenuous because you were called out.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 1:46pm

I understand. I guess I just feel it's presumptuous for any of us to assume that others HAVEN'T done that and decided for themselves what to keep and what to discard.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 1:55pm

Sheri,
"I'm curious, why would you assume that because someone has reasonable standards that they've put a lot of thought into, that they are not capable of feeling butterflies or are no longer optimistic?"

I don't think Barbara was trying to make that connection between those two aspects in the cut-dry way you seemed to have read it... I know from my own experience that I can miss a lot of the good feelings about men, good stuff' if I am too focused on the weight of bad experiences, the logic of what I'm not looking for, and the negatives. I think each guy is unique and we have to look at his overall self as a whole and not assume he is horrible b/c of one bad quality, even if that quality was the deal breaker with someone from the past (Caliber of 'no one is perfect'). I think someone else mentioned this earlier on the thread. Now, I'm not talking about a guy being a chump right when you meet him and doing things like asking for pics of you scantily clad..lol... I'm more speaking about a guy who seems respectable enough after the initial security check...lol

We are really getting analytical in this thread! It's funny! Overall I think we are all on the same page

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 2:12pm

So if I've decided, after giving it careful thought, that smoking is a dealbreaker and I don't want to date a smoker, that must be because I'm too focused on the weight of bad experiences? I don't agree with that.

Or like you said in another post about wanting someone who is reasonably interested in health and fitness and at least has the potential to get into shape, for the reasons you gave...why would that be a valid choice, but not something else, like punctuality or reliability or honesty?

Deciding not to continue to date someone because they have a characteristic or have exhibited behavior that's a dealbreaker for us doesn't mean we think that person is "horrible", it just means we've concluded they are not a good fit for us.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 2:32pm
sheri, i have to be honest in that I dont always understand your way of thinking. From what i've read of your posts/advice you seem to always want the man to do all the work and you say, oh if he's interested, he will contact you, let him contact you, let him ask you out. yeah you know, sometimes this is true....in some cases we SHOULD let the man come to us...but there's nothing wrong with taking a little initiative and showing interest so the man knows...beyond saying, thanks i had a good time on this date. You cant always sit and wait for things to happen and assume the man is going to do everything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 2:32pm

That's not what I meant at all, Sheri. I am refering to negative qualities that can be outweighed by other good qualities. I'm sure each person here has some qualities that can outweighed by other qualities. That's all I mean. We each decide what those are... it's more an attitude I am trying to convey rather than specific examples here b/c specific important issues will vary from person to person. There are some things I could budge and be flexible on if there are other good qualities, but then there are things that I won't like smoking and health.

Personal example...I'm going to give a guy a chance this week who didn't call me when he said even though that was habitual with an X and caused downfall, because this guy has some other important must-haves that are hard to find and far more important.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 2:41pm

Okayyyyy...but that is exactly what I *am* talking about (dealbreakers we've put thought into). I thought I'd made that clear from the beginning of this thread.

As I said to vexer a whole bunch of posts back, if it's not a dealbreaker or a pattern, then sure, give the guy another chance. The point I've been trying to make is, if it IS a dealbreaker, there's no reason for any of us to judge whether the dealbreaker is right or wrong. Everyone gets to decide what they want.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 2:52pm

I knew we were on same page with that, but you didn't seem to know. I was just clarifying myself and why I could understand what Barbara was referring to...she did make some great points.