Jumping to conclusions...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Jumping to conclusions...
49
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 10:29am

OK, I didn't want to hijack the other thread, but do any of you think that at times we women are just as guilty if not moreso of jumping to conclusions about guys "just not being into us" because they don't follow some magic formula we have in our heads of how they MUST act in order to be into us?

heather 5-18-10

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 2:53pm

And that is my exact point. Yes, I *can* do that if I want to...since I've decided that's important to me. You don't need to understand *why* something is important to me or anyone else or share the same viewpoints...all I'm asking is that people respect that I've given it a lot of thought and have decided it IS important to me, and that we give other people that same grace. To assume that anyone is jumping to a conclusion because they know they don't want a particular behavior or characteristic in a partner is, IMO, disrespectful of that person's right to think about and choose what they want.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 2:57pm

Ok, if you say so ;-). It makes no sense to me that you'd think that, but if you did you did...I'm not going to worry about it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 3:04pm

I think we all just try to help each other here. I've had people point out faults to me with guys, questioned why I would do that and I didnt get all offended. It's constructive criticsm.

'To assume that anyone is jumping to a conclusion because they know they don't want a particular behavior or characteristic in a partner is, IMO, disrespectful of that person's right to think about and choose what they want'

And it's not disrespectful IMO. It's giving advice to someone and letting them know, hey you know if you changed your ways a bit...maybe you wouldnt be single anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 3:09pm
Just took a cold read of this thread, and uhhh jumping to conclusions?, overreacting? Heck, forget about the guys, we do it with one another. Be nice to one another ladies, we're all here to HELP one another through sharing our own life experiences. I may be a newbie to dating, but I'm not a newbie to relationships in general. Everyone sees the world through their own life experience colored glasses. What works for me may not work for someone else just because they have a totally different set of previous experiences, different wants, different needs and are at a different life stage. LIFE IS TOO SHORT, it is the people you touch that matters most in having had a rewarding life, a life well lived IMHO. But life is too short to waste time with someone who doesn't treat you well, who uses you, who is disrespectful.
I know I make mistakes in relationships by being too quick to see a situation from only my perspective, and I think we all do that.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 3:15pm

I just said basically the same thing to Kerry, but in case it wasn't clear: I do think it's disrespectful to assume that the person hasn't thought about that...that they haven't considered each dealbreaker on their list with that in mind, and made a thoughtful decision as to what should be kept and what should be discarded.

I mean, really, do you honestly think a reasonably intelligent, thoughtful person would NOT have thought of that? Like it's a novel concept or something?

You can certainly ASK if they have...but don't assume that they haven't. Questioning is fine...assuming is not.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 3:18pm

Yes, I agree and if you read the thread then you'll know that was exactly what I was trying to say.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 3:37pm

I wasn't going to bother speaking again on this thread - but your reply to Queenbun had me wondering . . .
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Queenbun Said:

Just took a cold read of this thread, and uhhh jumping to conclusions?, overreacting? Heck, forget about the guys, we do it with one another. Be nice to one another ladies, we're all here to HELP one another through sharing our own life experiences. I may be a newbie to dating, but I'm not a newbie to relationships in general. Everyone sees the world through their own life experience colored glasses. What works for me may not work for someone else just because they have a totally different set of previous experiences, different wants, different needs and are at a different life stage. LIFE IS TOO SHORT, it is the people you touch that matters most in having had a rewarding life, a life well lived IMHO. But life is too short to waste time with someone who doesn't treat you well, who uses you, who is disrespectful.
I know I make mistakes in relationships by being too quick to see a situation from only my perspective, and I think we all do that
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Sheri you agree with Queenbun. What part of the above do you agree with specifically?

The part where she tells us to be nice to one another? To allow others to have different perspectives and opinions etc?

I'm confused because from what I can tell - you were the ONLY person on this thread who slammed a direct insult/label on another poster (me) because I had a different outlook. And you did this more than once.

- Smug
- Judgemental
- Disengenuous
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I'm sorry if the tone of my original post offended you - and if the tone did in fact come across as smug and judgemental than I apologise to all the women on this board for my insensitivity.

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Funny that you chose to label "me" as judgemental

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 4:21pm

I agree with all of it. I did not feel that your post was "nice", because it made very clear that your viewpoint is that those who don't take your approach only do so because they are negative, jaded, closed off, pessimistic, etc. I felt that you chose your words deliberately to send that message, because it would have been easy enough to choose different words if that wasn't what you intended. So that was why I objected to it...because I felt it was mean-spirited and judgmental.

If you feel it was judgmental of me to object to you being judgmental, then ok, that's perfectly valid...I did indeed do that.

The WHOLE POINT of my posts in this thread is that we should NOT judge others for having different viewpoints...that everyone gets to choose what they want, and shouldn't be judged negatively for it, nor should it be assumed that someone hasn't put thought into why they want what they want. That's exactly why I found your post troubling. I felt you were heaping a whole bunch of negative connotations on those who make different choices or have a different approach than you do.

However, if you are sincerely saying that was not what you meant, then I apologize for taking it the wrong way. And I apologize to everyone for going on about this...it's obviously a hot button issue for me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 10:04pm
My understanding about the book is that it basically gives women who tend to make too many excuses about a guys (bad) behaviour an opportunity to look at how they are being treated and decide whether they like it or not.
Obviously a woman has to decide what she considers to be bad behaviour and what she can live with.
I would suggest that if women want a better idea about "interaction" between men and women through dating etc they check out this ebook http://www.catchhimandkeephim.com/

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