Just friends??
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Just friends??
| Thu, 03-03-2005 - 7:46am |
I'm not sure what to do in this situation. I've gone out twice with a very nice guy. Attractive, lives in my town, intelligent, great conversationalist. Here's the issue: he has been divorced 2 yrs and 1 1/2 yrs of that he was in a 'transitional' relationship that ended last Nov. So he says he's never really dealt with the breakup. He talks alot about his feelings (which he says he's never been able to do before), says he needs to have a good cry but can't, he thinks he's weird to have all of these emotions, blah blah blah. I can understand since I'm also divorced and I listen very well. But what I'm afraid of is that he'll take all the 'help' I'm giving him and say "thanks, I'm dating so-and-so now..." He says he really appreciates the fact that I hang in there thru his talks and thanks me for understanding. We did make plans to go out again. I haven't gotten even a hug after a date yet, but I can understand that he's not ready. Should I wait and continue to be his friend?? In his profile on match his headline is "looking for a friend and maybe more..." - could that mean a therapist!!! LOL (gosh, that started to happen with Mr. "not over my ex" guy!!! I knew I should have gone into counseling!

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I think you're right on the mark. My personal opinion is you can't go into these things and try to "save" people -- because you wind up sacrificing yourself and the other person sometimes doesn't even want to be saved.
Dating sites are for dating. Find a good person to date first. Then if you want to be friends with this guy - revisit it. Otherwise your friendship with him may cloud your efforts elsewhere.
Dear Doctor Donna,
I am afraid you are the "transitional girl with a great shoulder to cry on", and you are looking for a Date, not a patient!
I can see where someone might State that they broke up with a person, but all of the agony baggage he is carrying around and bringing out each time you see him, is not good.
You get One carry-on in a relationship, and it Needs to fit in the overhead bin! If you want to be pals, then continue, but I would surely get out there and surf more, and move forward with finding someone to date.
Do you feel any Chem 101 feelings for him? All of the "ex" chat kinda puts a damper on that,huh? You are a good person for caring, but I do not see where you need to take on the problems of someone you do not know well, and someone who does not really have a place in your life and its' ultimate happiness.
Truly,
Cupcake
Should I wait and continue to be his friend??
Absolutely not!
Oh no, Donna - not another not-over-his-ex, please-be-my-friend guy!! Will you never learn?
Your perfect match would be someone who is with you because he wants to know YOU better, not himself.
Get back out there and try again, please.
amjay
This guy is over his ex (she's remarried already) but evidently needs to grieve the loss!!! Whatever....
why are these guys on a dating site and why am I getting them all?!
....and why am I worried that he hasn't emailed me since yesterday? It was an everyday thing. Help me move on.
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Because it's a dating site, not a relationship site. I stay away from "let's be friends and maybe something more" guys because what they really mean is "let's be dinking buddies with little hope of more".
Sorry to harp on this, but OLD will break your spirit if you don't change your expectations and see it as ONLY a look-see, tire-kicking place. It's like clothes shopping -- try this on, try that on, don't engage the heart until you find the right outfit.
donna; I wouldn't give alot of yourself emotionally - treat him as a friend you just met. Meaning you would lightly talk about things such as his divorce. But you wouldn't be there for everything he/she needed to talk about. And if you aren't looking for the baggage, friends first deal, DEFINETLY move on. Its not worth your time. You two are looking for two different things and it rarely changes to the direction you wish for. Close this door and let another open w/ a man who isn't just into friends then more. Or just getting over a break up.
And 6 mnths before he went into a LTR after his divorce? I dunno sounds like he can't be by himself.
Hi Donna,
I have been told I should have gone into counseling also! When I first started OLD, these types of guys were attracted to me and some I tried to be friends with, but eventually I learned that it just wasn't good for my well being or my growth after my divorce. I had to learn to cut off any guy that was needy like that - I couldn't help everyone and be happy myself. I had moved past those issues myself and worked hard to deal with my divorce issues, but I have found many men do not take the time to do that.
They get involved with the transitional relationship and get a bandaid-type relationship to cover those hurting feelings, but when that relationship also dies, they usually feel even worse as they have failed again, and they have to start from scratch to deal with the hurting feelings and pain, to heal and get through what they needed to deal with originally that they ignored. Sure I feel for their pain, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be their counselor - I'm out there for a real relationship!
Just something to think about, but I did review my profile at that time and there may have been some things in there that would appeal to "needy" type men, so I changed my profile some and didn't get as many of them.
I don't think that guy was "over" the loss of his exwife. This post is late, so please excuse it if you are past this guy already!
Sunshine
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