Just friends??
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Just friends??
| Thu, 03-03-2005 - 7:46am |
I'm not sure what to do in this situation. I've gone out twice with a very nice guy. Attractive, lives in my town, intelligent, great conversationalist. Here's the issue: he has been divorced 2 yrs and 1 1/2 yrs of that he was in a 'transitional' relationship that ended last Nov. So he says he's never really dealt with the breakup. He talks alot about his feelings (which he says he's never been able to do before), says he needs to have a good cry but can't, he thinks he's weird to have all of these emotions, blah blah blah. I can understand since I'm also divorced and I listen very well. But what I'm afraid of is that he'll take all the 'help' I'm giving him and say "thanks, I'm dating so-and-so now..." He says he really appreciates the fact that I hang in there thru his talks and thanks me for understanding. We did make plans to go out again. I haven't gotten even a hug after a date yet, but I can understand that he's not ready. Should I wait and continue to be his friend?? In his profile on match his headline is "looking for a friend and maybe more..." - could that mean a therapist!!! LOL (gosh, that started to happen with Mr. "not over my ex" guy!!! I knew I should have gone into counseling!

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No Donna, I feel that it's normal to feel somewhat afraid of not having anyone... Sure we feel sad at times. I think most humans want to feel loved and accepted by a mate, to have someone in our lives to share the good and bad things with. Unfortunately, it usually doesn't happen in the time frame in which we want it to!
I knew I wasn't ready for dating once I started right after my divorce, I thought I was ready but learned I really wasn't, so I stopped and worked on myself and my divorce issues. I wanted to be healthy so that when I did come across a good relationship I would do things better. It was part of the healing process I had to go through after the divorce.
I took a 12 week class called DivorceCare that is offered through Baptist and Non-demoninational type churches. But even though it is run through churches it isn't totally churchey. It has 2 parts and the first is a video on the things you may feel as you go through divorce, like lonliness, depression, raising children on your own, self doubts, etc, and the second half is group talk which I found so helpful to find out that it is totally normal to feel as I did and that there ARE actually people going through and feeling the same doubts and the same things that I was. Everyone is at a different level in their healing process depending on how much they truly want to work through it and understand it. The class locations are listed online under www.Divorcecare.com.
I feel that the classes were really beneficial in helping me to feel more positive about myself and that I wasn't a loser because I got divorced, but actually was a smart lady to get out of a bad relationship. There was a guy in my class who was taking it for his 4th time, said he still wasn't getting it through what he called his "thick head" and wanted to make his future relationships better now. Once you buy the $20 or $25 book, you can take the class as many times as you want to for no charge. I know you are past this, but I thought maybe it might help someone on here possibly...
You said about this new guy, "...And I don't really want him to drag me back into that..." That is exactly how I felt at first when I was attracting those types. Are you a real nurturing type person also, because I think those types sense our great capacity for caring and want to be cared about and taken care of by us, rather than deal with their issues so that they become healthy and are ready to move on and have a "real" relationship.
I tried to stay "just friends" with some of those "needy" guys, but found I couldn't do it for my own growth, as it was taking me backward in my steps to healing, rather than forward. Besides, how many times do you want to hear about ex's and what they did to that person?!!!
I sense you are a strong person Donna and won't let this guy drag you back into that. Be strong! These types of guys are so into their pain that they have no time for a lady in their life to develop a relationship with - they just want to wallow in their self pity and unhappiness and have someone say - oh you poor thing. I'd rather be saying other things to him!
I had to learn to believe in myself and to know that I was a good person, then I became stronger and things began to fall into place more. After being lonely and sad in a bad relationship for so many years, I adjusted to being single and the sporadic lonliness I feel in this life is no where as bad as what I felt when I was married! I just live day to day now...
Sunshine
Hi Donna,
Weren't the classes great?! I have recommended them to so many people - even a guy I had a first meet with one time awhile ago because he was so sad and down and I told him he wasn't ready to date - he was at the tail end of a divorce. He actually emailed me a few weeks ago and was taking the DivorceCare classes and thanked me, which I was very happy for him that he was taking charge of his life and told him so.
I am fortunate in that my children are grown, so I've been able to work through this healing process from divorce without the additional problems of raising the children on my own. But I have single friends who have children and I know the struggles and frustrations that they go through on a daily basis - and their kids know just how to push Mom's guilt buttons also! They learn to manipulate at such young ages!
Yeah I felt I was normal also, but wanted to make sure that when I was eventually ready to be out and dating, I'd have a good outlook, so that is why I took the classes. But I know my ex would definitely benefit from them, but I know he'd never be seen in a class like that. He has filled his life with a bandaid type woman that fits his drinking, smoking, and basically do nothing life style. I just feel sorry for him and hope that one day he'll get his life together, but then maybe he is happy with how it is - who knows. I'm just glad I am not a part of his life anymore! So I just wish him a good life and leave it at that. I'm very fortunate in that I seldom have to talk to him.
You said you have been so busy trying to keep everything going smoothly for your son, well I feel that you do need to take time for yourself also and to do things that make you happy. When we are happier with ourselves, our kids sense that and benefit from it also. I know my 21 y/o son always comments on how much happier I am now in my single life - but even the younger kids notice. Also, they say like attracts like - so if we're happy...
There is a book I feel that was really good for me called - Brave New You, 12 Dynamic Strategies for Saying What You Want & Being Who You Are, by Mary Valentis, Ph.D. and John Valentis, Ph.D. It's just a great book about self esteem, confidence and becoming the person you want to be. We are in charge of our lives and can be whoever and whatever we want to be!
I feel that I am an ever evolving work in progress and hope that I never stop growing in my life, my learning, and in my relationships. Take good care of yourself also Donna, you're worth the time and effort!
Sunshine
I feel that guys who talk mainly about their ex's are not over them and have much work to do to get past the healing stages. I mean, after you start seeing someone, some of the past is bound to come out, but not in the lengthy detail as these "needy" guys seem to recite.
Yes it is rude, but it is a red flag for me that they are not truly ready to include me in their life, as somewhat of a ghost is taking up that spot and there is certainly no room for me - next!
They are mainly into what they are feeling and sad about, and usually not ready or willing to do the work they need to, to deal with their pain, to get past it, and to get healthy, so therefore they are definitely not ready to get involved in a healthy relationship with me.
Sunshine
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