Just read the book JNTIY

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Just read the book JNTIY
18
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 10:29am

Hi All !
I finally went out and purchased the book, He's Just Not That Into You,
because I have heard many of you make reference to this book in your past posts .
Once I started reading I couldn't put the book down... and got through it rather quickly.
I commend the male author who co-wrote this book. His open frankness and honesty about how men really think, helped to bring out major clarity as to men's true intentions and/or lack there of.
It certainly does explain alot of my own personal dating scenarios that I have run into over the years. Wish that this kind of book would have come out years ago, I could have saved myself alot of unneccessary waste of my own emotional energy and time in relationships that clearly were going nowhere.

For that matter, I wish I would have read this book before I started the 'old' thing.
After reading this book, I feel that I have found new meaning & greater clarity to the concept and physical action of 'moving on' etc. (in a very healthy way that doesn't involve 2nd guessing yourself or your actions taken).
On a scale of 1 to 5, I give this book a Five Star rating !
For others of you who have already had the opportunity to read this book,
What were your thoughts about what Greg and Liz had to say ? and What overall rating did you give the book ? LM :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 10:52am

On Wednesday, Oprah is having the author back on her show for Round 2. So set your VCR/Tivo!

I think the concept is right on but I haven't read the book. From the first Oprah show, I completely got it. And now it's operational in my life. I don't feel bad if a guy doesn't call me back when he says he's going to. HJNTIMe and I really don't want to be with someone who doesn't do what they say they're gonna do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 11:22am

I think the book is brilliant and can be summed up nicely by the concept that they use in the book (slightly paraphrased).

A guy who is into you does anything to get you and keep getting and there is no excuse they'll make up about why they cannot see you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 11:58am
Yes, it is a good book. But now that you have finished that book, go out and get the book that was written after it. It is called "be honest - You're Not That Into Him Either" by Ian Kerner. It was also good and shows us why we might sometimes put up with the bad behavior, because he was an in the meantime guy. What I did enjoy about the author is that he doesn't say anyone is making a mistake. we all make the right choice for us at that paticular time. I found it very interesting and it is a quick read. I'd love to know what you think after you finish reading it, so please post.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 1:53pm

I wrote this post on another board recently (in response to someone who read it and said, "what's the big deal, it's just common sense"):

--------------------

Artie...I would agree with you...when the book first came out, I'm like, duh, that's just common sense...but look at the hundreds and hundreds of posts we get on this and other boards where the fact that HJNTIY is staring the OP in the face but she doesn't see it???? For better or worse, common sense and dating do NOT go hand. Reading the made-up letters in the book, I often felt like I was reading a post from this board or Guy Talk...(especially the ones where the original letter writer comes back and says, "yeah but..."). How often have we seen women say, "he's really busy with work, that's why he's not calling me". Um, sweetie, no, HJNTIY. If he were into you, he'd be calling, no matter HOW busy he was, even if it was just to say, "I'm slammed but I'm thinking of you and I will call you on X day when things calm down, I promise", and then he would follow through and keep his word.

I did end up reading the book (borrowed it from a friend also) and I thought it was well-done...with kindness and a sense of humor. I actually liked Liz's contributions a LOT...because she presented the "yeah, but" side that many of us feel (I could especially relate to her writing about feeling like you have to settle because it feels like there aren't many good men out there). I thought the most valuable part of the book was the short chapter towards the end about NOT thinking that you are the exception to the rule. BTDT, that's for sure, but it's true...almost 100% of the time, you are the RULE, not the exception!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 7:33pm

Response from the old Chicken-in-the-Barn (age 67): I don't know if any of you remember any of my few responses from the past, but once a week or so I come to this Message Board and read some of what's been going on. And I always find your responses interesting, so I thought some of you might find occasional posts from someone in my age group interesting. By the way, when I first started looking at iVillage message boards I was kind of fascinated with some of the message boards dealing with sex. They about blew me away! Good grief, sexual practices sure have changed since I was young! But after a few days, I started to find them totally boring, and I quit looking at those message boards. However, I find the online dating message board continually fascinating. Most of the messages on this board seem sensible and often heartwarming. It gives me (sorry, this is going to sound patronizing) great hope for the younger generations.

At any rate and to get back to the point of this post, I have also just finished reading "He's Just Not That Into You," since I found so many references to it on this board. And I definitely do NOT think that the author speaks for all men. I think the author speaks for certain personality types and for men of the younger generations (40's and under). But I think there is a certain group of men who approach love and relationships much more cautiously than other men. And I think these men often like to think and ponder a lot before getting into a relationship very deeply. Also, when people in the upper 50's and older start dating, sometimes the most bone-chilling and romance-killing words in the English language become "estate planning." As one single man (whom I met online) told me, "My accountant said that if I even think about getting married again, 20 years of estate planning will start going straight down the drain." In other words, dating among the older generations involves things like property rights, estate planning, and the attitudes of adult children, and these factors tremendously effect older men's and women's attitudes about starting new relationships with the opposite sex. And I don't think this really has much to do with whether the man is into the woman or not. Greg (author of HJNTIY) may say the problems I mentioned above are just more examples of what he is talking about, but I think issues involving adult children and property are way more complicated than that. Just thought you might like to hear from the other end of the age-spectrum.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 10:15pm

Sorry, I don't buy that completely. Even if a guy isn't interested in getting married for estate planning reasons, if he's into a woman, he will still call her, treat her well, and generally show interest in her. So long as he's upfront about his reasons for not wanting to get married, and both parties are ok with that, then there's no problem.

I don't think anything in the book implies that the man has to jump in with both feet or throw caution to the winds. The guy I'm currently dating is taking things slowly but there is no doubt in my mind of his interest in me.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 11:06pm

"So long as he's upfront about his reasons for not wanting to get married, and both parties are ok with that, then there's no problem....I don't think anything in the book implies that the man has to jump in with both feet or throw caution to the winds."

Your points are well-made, and they reflect common sense. However, I got the distinct impression from reading HJNTIY that IF a man is really into a woman, he DOES more or less throw caution to the winds, and his strong feelings for her lead him right down the path to the marriage altar, never mind any previous excuses he has used (like estate planning) to avoid getting married.

Maybe I read through the book too fast, but again, I was left with the impression that if a man truly loves a woman, from then on it's "damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead."

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 11:38pm

Dear tea4all,

I appreciate your outlook on things. Although I am in my mid 30's...well, I guess I am actually on the downside of 30, since I just turned 36, but that is another post. My current BF is soon to be 41. Up until recently I really thought I wanted to be married. However, I guess it was for all the wrong reasons. We have a good relationship. It would be nice to know someone will be there when I get older. And being able to split the bills...now that just sounds wonderful. But at the same time I am very frightened to get married because I am afraid of losing the things I have worked so hard for. I hear so many horror stories. A good friend of mine bought her current house 3 different times. Once when she moved there with her first husband. Second time, she bought him out of it when they got a divorce. And the third time when she had to buy her 2nd husband out of the house. That just seems like a lot of wasted money.

Of course, if a person wants to have children that is another story. We women only have so much time for that. Yes, sometimes I would love another baby, it is the child that is much more difficult to deal with. So, I don't think I will be having anymore children.

I do appreciate your take on the JNTIY theory. I feel like I am not going crazy, other people feel the same way. I also believe that if someone really wanted to get married, it isn't a problem. The people that come into our lives are actually there for a reason and if you are with someone who doesn't want to get married you have to look to yourself to find out why you are with that person. A person just might find out some information about themselves that they probably didn't want to see. If a person leaves that situation and just ends in the same situation, then you know the issue is with you and not with the other person.

I do believe that if someone was really into you they would do what they say. If I was into a guy I would immedialtely return their messages. But if I am not, then it may take me three days to get back to them. It doesn't mean I don't like them...it just means I really don't know them well enough to like them that much and I have other things going on in my life. I would get the guilt trips from these guys. When I got that it just turned me off even more. But once in a while we all need time to ourselves and not check in with someone all the time. So just because a day goes by and that significant other doesn't call you doesn't mean a whole lot. Of course, if it is consistantly happening, then you might just want to think twice about it. That is when the message is loud and clear.

I am unsure if I made my point. But I feel better now that I wrote all that. Thanks for taking the time to read it. Do keep on posting, I have enjoyed your take on things and appreciate the insight.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 11:41pm

Interesting that we'd come away with different perspectives ;-)! I read through it twice, actually, and didn't come away with that impression at all. I read it more as, if a man is interested, he will show appropriate interest, and you'll know he's interested (i.e, you won't need to make excuses for his behavior).

In fact, I'm pretty sure there was an example somewhere in the book of something along the lines of a man who'd gone through a recent divorce and told the woman upfront that he needed to go slowly, but he continued to make his interest in her clear and in time he eventually overcame his issues and they got married (don't remember the exact details and I borrowed it from a friend so I can't look it up).

Maybe part of why you got that impression is the way they've phrased things in the negative? E.g., he's not that into you if he's not calling you. But that doesn't mean that he has to call a certain number of times a day or a week in order to be into you. The key is that you can feel his interest from his actions.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 9:04am
iteach, you have written a very interesting post. And your words "We have a good relationship" say a lot. At my age I have known too many people who have never had even ONE good relationship with the opposite sex during their entire lives. And the man I am in relationship with now once told me that he thought there were far more married people of our age sticking together through bad relationships than there are people living in really happy marriages. So having a good relationship in itself means a lot.

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