Just read the book JNTIY

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Just read the book JNTIY
18
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 10:29am

Hi All !
I finally went out and purchased the book, He's Just Not That Into You,
because I have heard many of you make reference to this book in your past posts .
Once I started reading I couldn't put the book down... and got through it rather quickly.
I commend the male author who co-wrote this book. His open frankness and honesty about how men really think, helped to bring out major clarity as to men's true intentions and/or lack there of.
It certainly does explain alot of my own personal dating scenarios that I have run into over the years. Wish that this kind of book would have come out years ago, I could have saved myself alot of unneccessary waste of my own emotional energy and time in relationships that clearly were going nowhere.

For that matter, I wish I would have read this book before I started the 'old' thing.
After reading this book, I feel that I have found new meaning & greater clarity to the concept and physical action of 'moving on' etc. (in a very healthy way that doesn't involve 2nd guessing yourself or your actions taken).
On a scale of 1 to 5, I give this book a Five Star rating !
For others of you who have already had the opportunity to read this book,
What were your thoughts about what Greg and Liz had to say ? and What overall rating did you give the book ? LM :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 9:11am
I really liked that book. I read it fairly quickly.
My favorite quote from the book is "busy = *ssh*le" LOVE IT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 9:17am
Sheri, I like the way you present your point of view. After reading your posts in response to my note and then thinking about the whole thing, I concluded that I did have an overall negative impression of the book HJNTIY. And I guess we're both right. The author makes some good points, but he does come across (to me) as having an overall smart-alecky, simplistic approach to some pretty complicated problems. And he also, in my opinion, forces a one-size-fits-all solution onto too many situations that are worthy of much more thought and consideration.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 10:36am

Just got done reading through many of the response posts to this thread. Its very interesting to read through the many perspectives. Once again though I would have to say is that the central point that I walked away with , after having read this book is that,

> if a man is genuinely interested in you and perceives you to be the special one that he has been searching for, he will make every concerted effort possible to let you know that he is interested in you and wants to spend time with you/be with you <

Likewise, in an additional book which I picked up on the same evening as the JNTIY book, which is entitled, What Men Want (co-authored by 3 white collar professionals> an Orthopedic Surgeon/Physician, a CPA and an Attorney), they bring up the very same concept in respect to a man showing his interest or lack there of and what that implies.

They identify and discuss that men generally categorize woman into 2 specific groups.
The first is "okay to be with, will take full advantage of whatever can be gotten, but will never take home to meet the parents".
And the second category, is what they refer to as "the marrying type and who they will go above and beyond for to show their interest in that woman, irregardless of how hectic their schedules may be etc."

They discuss that if a man is genuinely interested he will make every effort to call within 2 to 3 days etc.. One of the authors sited a great example in which he talks about how he met a really great n' gorgeous gal who wouldn't directly give him her phone number because in the past when she did men never followed through. This gal simply told him her last name and that she could be found in the phone book. Because he was genuinely interested in this gal, he stated that he must have called 8 different numbers ( and she had a common last name...) before he finally got her actual number.
This is a perfect example of a man who is definately interested in getting to know this woman .... How many men would go through or apply that level of effort if they were only quasi-interested in a woman ???????

Another interesting tidbit that I read in this second book, per the authors, granted men will take what they can get if it is offered but from a guy's standpoint, if you engage in sex prior to the fifth date you will be placed into the category of "okay to be with but would never consider marrying" . They state that Men don't openly admit this, but the brass tax is that generally speaking men do look to marry women who don't have a promiscuous past etc. or don't have the habit of sleeping with men on first and second dates etc.

Hey, what say you LG, Eric, NGOL, talltx ??????

Anyways to reiterate, the central message both of these books discuss: if a man is genuinely interested in a woman, he will take the time and apply the effort in making contact and spending time with the woman of his sincere interest. LM :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 2:35pm

Hi LM,

I read both books and thought they were very interesting. It's always interesting to hear a guy's point of view on dating and relationships. I think more teen girls need to read those books as it might help them in their dating times and arm them with more understanding of the illusive male thought patterns.

I felt the overall themes of these two books were that if guys are interested in you, they will make the effort to call and be with you no matter how busy they are.

Also, in the second book, "What Men Want", they do talk a lot about how they classify women who sleep with them right away from the women who don't. Some guys say it doesn't make a difference, but within my circle of friends, we have noticed it DOES make a difference, so anyone we are interested in for a possible LTR, we don't sleep with right away. I'm sure there are the exceptions, but none that we have run across.

So for me, what I got out of the books was that if he doesn't show a good interest in me - I move on and forget about him! And if I think there are possibilities for a LTR, I wait to sleep with him, no matter how much I may want to!

I am in an exclusive relationship (3 months) now with a great guy that I met OLD and followed the waiting part for sex and knew something was much different with this relationship when he was doing the calling and following through on everything he said. Yes there is a big difference when a guy is truly interested in you, everything feels different and better.

Tea4all, I do like to read your posts. We all have much to share with eachother. I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 2:45pm

<>

I second this! Tea4all, I also really enjoy your posts. They are thoughtful, kind and dignified. Looking forward to more!

As for the book, I'm thinking back to all my past relationships and they have this in common: getting together was either virtually effortless, in which case a relationship was formed, or hard work, in which case the "friendship" was short lived. In the latter case, I always figured the dude kicked my tires and decided finally not to buy. I had too much pride to press the issue.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 2:47pm

Well put northwestwanderer.

I also wanted to add that what a lot of people don't understand is that though it may sound like common sense to many, common dating sense is soemthing that is gained through different experiences in dating. You won't pick these things up if you haven't dated much, have been in a long-term relationship (like me) or have have had very good experiences in dating. These things are learned through experience so what's common sense to some is something totally new to another.

On another board, we were discussing this book and people couldn't understand why I was so enlightened by it. It was simple, because up until 7 months ao, I was in an 8 year relationship with a guy that pursued me for a few weeks, decided I was right for him and we dating happily up until last Sept. When I became nearly single, you can imagine how different dating has become at 26 then at 18. I didn't recognize the signs that more experienced serial daters could. All I knew was what I'd been through and it began pretty ideal.

So common sense in dating is something that varies by each person's experience. For someone that doesn't have that much experience, this book can be very helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 3:22pm

cl214,

I was in a LTR for 25 years, so when I started dating again, it was totally foreign to me! So I can understand that you got something from the book, as did I, that people who have been dating for awhile in this time period may just take for granted.

You said you went from dating at 18, then to 26. I went from age 19 to 20+ years later in my 40's, so much had changed! Yet many things have remained the same also. You are very right in that what is common sense to one person may not be to another. I am definitely different in my views this year than I was 2 years ago! With experience does come knowledge...

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 7:23pm

>>>In the latter case, I always figured the dude kicked my tires and decided finally not to buy. I had too much pride to press the issue.>>> ROFL

amjay, this is way too funny!!! I totally agree!!!

Sometimes a guy can be VERY interested in you...making that interest known and then all of a sudden, he falls from the face of the earth. The book does not cover this scenario. However, I di read it quickly last night as I do not have the money in my budget at this time to buy it!

I just realized that I had previously purchased, "Date Like A MAN" But it has been several months since I was dating and will need to reread it again and see if it says the same things.

Maybe I can quickly skim it before CHAT tonight.

Jennifer

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