Just venting!!!
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| Tue, 08-16-2005 - 10:59am |
We met from lavalife in the end of May. We started to see each other every weekend since then. He showed so much interesting on me in the beginning. He said he stopped to look for others after the first time we met. He said he saw the potential between us and wanted to see if we could work out.
I have lurked in this board for a while and learned lots of things. I was watching all the red flags people mentioned here and told him that I worried the infatuation in the beginning stage. We talked about what we were both looking for the long term relationship. It seemed we wanted the same thing.
A couple days ago, he seemed a little different. He didn’t want to talk too much and had very bad sleep for weeks. He mentioned that he would sometimes be in depression without reasons. He said he didn’t want to surprise me. This was the first disagreement we had. I said I understood you but I had never experienced depression without reasons. I always could found the reasons for my depression, I might unconsciously deny them.
Last week he had a big assignment which gave lots of pressure on him. He needs to work long hours and work at the weekend. This situation will be probably continued for 1 or 2 years. He asked me how I felt about him. I said I liked you. I cared about you. He said that it was hard for him to think about it since we were not in the just-meet-eachother stage and we were not in the further stage in a relationship.
Last night, when I called him, he said he thought it was good for us to stop to see each other. He said it was because of his work and depression.
It is true for a guy to break up the relationship just because of work pressure and depression!?
I was more mad than hurt last night. I asked him if he was ready for a long term relationship before. He said he was. Last night he told me he thought he was but he is feeling not ready now.

Sorry to hear that...but I don't think that focusing on the reason for the breakup is helpful. The bottom line is, he's decided after a few months of dating that the two of you aren't right for each other. It happens...you can't take it personally.
Let it go and move on so you can find someone who *is* right for you.
Sheri
Thanks Sheri,
One side I know it isn’t helpful to focus on looking for a reason. It was over no matter what reason I find out.
But on another side, I wanted to find out the real reason. Then next time I will watch it and won’t let it happen on the same reason again.
I am going to send him the below email, at least want him know what he did is not appropriate. Welcome and thanks for any suggestion on the message to him!
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It was out of my expectation that you decided to end up the relationship without giving me any signal. You shouldn’t have asked me come to see you on the last weekend if you weren’t sure how the things would go. You could have asked me more time to think about it.
It was out of my expectation that you end up with me on the phone.
I would have appreciated it if you could have told me in person instead of on the phone.
As a man, it is a respectful thing to do when you wanted to end up the relationship that she had put the commitment emotions on. I deserved that you say sorry to me in person.
But that's the thing...you have no control over the reason why someone wants to break things off with you. So I don't see how "watching" next time is going to do any good. It's not going to prevent someone from deciding that the two of you aren't right for each other.
I'm sure you know the email won't do any good, but if you feel you must send it, then you must!
Sheri
Hi there,
I'm really sorry about your breakup and I have to say this is not unusual in OLD. My first visit to this message board was to seek advice in getting through a similar situation (this happened to me twice actually). These folks are awesome.
The bottom line is that he didn't want to continue the relationship and if there is an underlying REAL reason that he hasn't told you...do you really want to know? What good could it possibly do to know, because chances are it would be personal and probably hurt you. In OLD, I think for the most part...guys just get bored and want to explore the next best thing that is only a Wink away. That's it. Move on and don't look back. I'm not sure if there are any signs to look for the next time to avoid this happening again except in both my situations they moved really fast. Wanted to meet right away and we were exclusive from the start. Daily phone calls and emails. Seeing each other 2-3 times a week. I got caught up in the momentum and everything moved very quickly then BOOM.
All I can say is next time...go slow and take control of the pace of the relationship.
You've come to the right place for support and advice. Keep reading and posting.
The best of luck to you.
Chele
I agree with you that I have no control on other's action.
But I have control on myself about who I will date next time. If the real reason was because he wasn't ready and not stable this time. I would carefully watch it all the way next time.
Thanks for your replies!
Ok, I see what you're saying...but isn't that something you'd evaluate in a potential partner anyway?
Sheri
Thanks GM and Chele for your replies!
That’s a good way to think about it – he did me a favor. It’d better to end up now than 8~9 months later when I couldn’t stand his actions during the depression. He said he wouldn’t like to talk and the situation would last more than one month.
Hmm...Sheri, I think it is something I could use to evaluate in a potential partner. If the reason is because of my part that’s something I couldn’t change or something we couldn’t match, I will find this out early on next time. If the reason is his problem – unstable emotion, couldn’t handle work pressure and depression well, I will watch these signs on the next person.
Another thing I learned is that I won’t believe what they say about being ready for a long term commitment relationship next time. Is it the difference between man and woman? I won’t end a developing relationship when I am under work pressure and depression.
I think it's not so much a matter of "not believing" someone when he says he's ready for a LTR, as taking it with a grain of salt, because in the first few months of dating someone, you have no idea if he's an honest person or not. Or, a guy might mean it when he says it, but then realize that it's really not true. All you have to go on is what they allow you to see. So, you need to remain open, but skeptical and take everything with a big grain of salt in the beginning.
Sheri