Just venting....
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| Mon, 04-25-2005 - 1:11pm |
I think I'm more frustrated than angry. My current BF of 6 months has been doing this "flip-flop" for the past 3 weeks and it's diving me crazy. I had posted about this a couple of weeks ago and I really didn't think it was that big of a deal...chalked it up to just a passing phase.
The time we spend together is wonderful. It's the time in between that's causing me angst. He hardly or doesn't call/email for days. He may not always answer voice or emails. Then he'll call everyday for a few days and then the cycle starts over again.
I've asked him if anything is wrong and he says "nothing". In the book "A Fine Romance" it states that when a man responds with that it means "go away" or "Everything is fine, now leave me alone."
When I inquire about a specific instance that he didn't call he's said "I was busy seeding the lawn" or "I was running around and didn't have my cell" or everyone's favorite, "My cell was off". (Actual responses) Now I don't come on in an accusatory way. I'll say I was "concerned" or "worried". Sometimes he offers a reason without my asking.
The most recent situation is this... I spoke with him Friday evening as he was headed down to work on his boat (2.5 hours away). We had spoken everyday since Wednesday. We had a good conversation and he said he missed me and wished I could have gone with him. He said he would call on Sat to let me now if he'd be home early enough on Sun to get together.
Well, Sat came and went. I finally called him midday on Sun. Got his voice mail and asked him to call me back. (Hey, I got a life.) He never called, but responded with an email this morning. He appologized and said that working on the boat was very frustrating and that he didn't feel like talking to anyone yesterday. He'll be at a late meeting tonight (Take my word for it, it's legit.), so he won't call me unitl tomorrow. This is a simliar secnario that has played out over the past 3 weekends. Plus he acts like everything is just fine. Arrrrgggh! I could just spit!
Up until now I have continued to call/email as I usually have. But today I'm fit to be tied and I have not responed to his email and my cell is off. I really don't want to speak to him in current frame of mind. I probably wouldn't handle it well. I need to cool off first.
Thanks for letting me vent.

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Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with him on this? Something like, "your comfort zone is to be ok with not talking for a few days between seeing each other. Mine is to talk every day. I'm having trouble with your comfort zone; is there a compromise we can agree to so that both of us are comfortable? Say, not going longer than 48 hours without speaking? Or if that doesn't work, please, make a suggestion, I'm all ears."
I don't think you have to say you're 'concerned' or 'worried' to justify wanting to speak to him every day. It's just what you prefer in a r'ship. And I also don't think that him not speaking to you for a few days means anything's wrong...it's just HIS preference. The key is figuring out a way to meet in the middle.
And if he won't, you'll learn something very important about his ability and/or willingness to compromise.
Sheri
I hear your frustration. I’m in a relationship of 5 months and things do change (experience talking) but agree if you had tentatively scheduled Sunday he could have at least called you back to say sweetie I’m not in a good mood or whatever but to leave you hanging?
There is a new reality show called Marriage 911 tonight on Fox at 8. The narrator or shrink from the show was also on Talk Radio this am saying that 71% of women surveyed said they got more annoyed with their husbands then kids on a daily basis, ha! See, it only gets better (joke).
The Small Peanut
Thanks all.
I agree with Sheri and Sposa. Sposa's point about not calling when he said he would was really the crux of it all for me, plus not to responding to calls and emails.
He did send 2 more emails and a voice mail. I responed to one email and outlined for him my frustratung weekend (which it truly was and not necessarily related to him/us) and added that it would have been nice to connect with him.
He did call me this evening between work and his meeting. He didn't have long to talk. He appologized profusely and said that when he's upset he likes to be by himself, sometimes for a day or two, to sort things out. It has nothing to do with me. He said this is one area we're going to have to work on and I agreed. I told him that I understand and appreciate all that, but that going off by himself, unannounced, leaves me with questions. I said that if he's feeling that way to call me anyway and just tell me. I'll give him all the space he needs, but not to shut me out completely. He agreed to that and then said he would try to be more communicative about things in the future.
I think we gained a little ground here. We're going to talk more during the week.
BTW...Thanks CGUN for you support.
And SP...Thanks for your positive spin and the grins!
Edited to fix typos not cuaght the first time! DOH!!!
Edited 4/25/2005 10:03 pm ET ET by luv2004
Hi Luv,
It sounds like your talk has opened some doors for understanding there with your guy. We all communicate in such different ways and the trick is learning to somehow make them work together for a good relationship.
The guy I am seeing is less communicative than I am and it is frustrating to me sometimes, but he is trying more and I give him credit whenever he does go past his comfort zone and opens up more. I think he had to learn that he was safe to say things with me. It all takes time....
But I think that just being courteous with a quick call doesn't hurt anyone, especially with someone you care about in your life. Best of luck to you two.
Sunshine
I would check to see if the guy was married.... sounds to me like he's leading the double life... I know from personal experience...
TB
Thanks for the FYI, but I know he's been divorced for 2 years thanks to a link LG posted sometime ago. In CT you can do a Party Name inquiry online and you can get all the specifics on a case. Could he have remarried? Perhaps, but I don't think he could afford to maintain to sperate households in this part of the US. The cost of living is VERY high.
It may seem jaded, but when I was doing OLD I would do a search as soon as I had a last name. I had been "pursued" by several married men who pretended as single.
how do you do Party Name inquiry?
Also, to your post, I think that your frustration is very legitimate. It appears to me based on what you have said that he has some other distractions in his life and it could very well be another person. I don't take dropping communication for a few days 6 month into a relationship as a good sign. Sorry, I wish I could be more optimistic here.
Edited 4/26/2005 10:53 pm ET ET by ivos2004
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