just want to vent
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just want to vent
| Sun, 07-03-2005 - 12:33pm |
I've been reading some of the archives about ghosting and it all makes me so mad why people do this. I look at it as being very cowardly and unfeeling to the other person. I don't know if women do it as much as men since I only have experience with men doing it. Can anybody tell me if they do? It's happened to me lately and it does make me mad that they don't have the common decency to email and tell you why. I've only met three men from online(not many,I know) and two of them ghosted on me and I know I'm not to blame. I have a pretty good idea why the first one did but the second, I don't have a clue. We got along so well during the meet, it baffles me what his problem was. He knew I was interested in seeing him again and he let on he liked me too. What a joke. Before we left the coffee shop, he told me he'd IM me that night and even told me the time he would be on. Of course, he wasn't there. He told me I was the second woman he met from online so he was fairly new at this too but that's no excuse for what he did.
Any feedback would be appreciated.
Edited 7/3/2005 1:00 pm ET ET by dream_angel2005
Any feedback would be appreciated.
Edited 7/3/2005 1:00 pm ET ET by dream_angel2005

I have "ghosted" after just a date or two if I wasn't interested in taking it further. However, I don't SAY that I'm going to call or whatever...I agree that that is bad behavior, to say you're going to do something and then not do it. But there's nothing you can do about it...so if you're going to get frustrated, perhaps OLD isn't for you (although it happens in "real life" dating as well).
Personally, I don't think there's any obligation to let the other person know you're not interested if you've only had 1-2 dates. I would prefer that the other person just not call me if he's not interested, I don't need to be TOLD he's not, ya know? I can figure that out for myself ;-).
But the main thing for you is to realize that you can't control how other people behave, all you can control is how you react to it.
Sheri
I know that ghosting is hugely unsettling.
However, I don't think the ghosts are your biggest issue. I think your expectations have to be "readjusted."
OLD is a difficult, frustrating process at best. I can speak with experience after being on and offline for 3 years and meeting a lot of people and going on dates, even having 2 somewhat serious relationships. It really is something I do on the side as an amusement factor - something like making sure I look good when I go to the gas station.
Many people online are looking for someone who is right on the screen. They have their own sets of issues, setbacks, problems, expectations and dreams for the right person. When you meet someone in person after an online search you have to decide "coldshot" whether or not you want them. There is no chance to build a repoire as you have IRL. So most people "delete" because that is safe. When we get older there are more issues - kids, no kids, jobs, interests, smoking, drinking, religion. Personally I have deleted so many guys just because they smoke or ride a motorcycle or because they are not the right religion - I just can't budge on those.
I don't think you should take it personally. Just move on. You don't need a reason. And if you expect everyone to ghost then you will be surprised when someone who likes you calls. Even then, that is no guarantee. I think you have to hold your heart back and expect this whole process to take a lot of time.
I have found that it is better to be really busy with a lot of other things and working on making a lot of new friends than to sit at my computer and worry about it.
I don't think you should take it personally - just keep going on and on. You have a lot to offer the right person - and all you need is one person - that is the best part!! :-)
Hope this helps!!
I do know how you feel.
However, maybe he got back with his old girlfriend or he found someone he likes more. It has nothing to do with you I am sure. Maybe he was saying all of those things because it felt right at the time. Maybe he will call in 3 weeks. Maybe he won't. :-)
At any rate, keep your head up and keep on going. Don't try to connect so much and be so serious - just enjoy meeting people and go with the flow. Keep it light.
I think you have to hold your heart back more and just keep at it.
Have faith - and try to enjoy this journey!!
No, he didn't get back with anybody because he was back on the dating site yesterday and today. I can't help but feel the way I do, so mad. I guess it's because that's not the way I am and I'm expecting others to be the same, which I know is wrong but that's the type of person I am. It wouldn't matter if it was OLD or not, it still bothers me. To make it worse, when we were IMing, he told me I seemed like a nice girl and he was liking me a lot already. Yeah right. I hate when people are inconsiderate. Now I really don't think that there are many guys who take online dating seriously. I'll be happier when he deletes my name from his msn contact list. Then all signs of him will be gone.
Edited 7/3/2005 6:45 pm ET ET by dream_angel2005
Edited 7/3/2005 7:15 pm ET ET by dream_angel2005
First, let it go and let it go now. NEXT.
You cannot take anything they say at face value as far as if they will call and see you again. I told you this on your other post, IM is a waste of time. Get their number or give them yours after you meet providing you like one another. To sit by a PC for 3 hours on a Friday night - sorry, but you did that he didn't. He also said he may not be on and to remind you AGAIN it is 4th of July weekend, the guy DOESN'T have your phone number and chances are he's not on his computer. Your blowing this way out of proportion and there is still a chance he'll contact you after the weekend. Go out and have fun and stop dwelling about what you had in common and how you connected he probably felt something too but maybe you're not quite what he's looking for.
Listen, I was on a date today right and my OLD fellow was saying his first OLD date ever was with a yoga instructor, nice etc but he didn't like her New York brashness - something he new would ultimately get on his nerves so he decided not to pursue it. Who knows what this guy was thinking, maybe you do something that isn't quite a match for him so don't take it personally. Also I don't care if it's OLD or real life meetings you can't control it and getting upset is wasted energy. after each date no matter how great unless they ask you out on the spot after your first date go on as if they will never call therefore you can't be let down.
I will say form experience like today the guy I met he asked me out for Wednesday and I said yes. He was happy with our connection and wanted to seal down the second date. Most guys form OLD if they like you will ask for a second or ask what your week looks like and again, get their numbers or give them yours, waiting by a PC is not value added. Real life relationships you talk on the phone so start that process as soon as you meet.
I know your upset but the sooner you laugh about it and think hah, that's old for you the better off you'll be.
Good luck!
Ms. Peanut
Can't YOU delete him from your contact list so you don't have to see him online anymore? Maybe MSN doesn't work the same way as Yahoo Messenger (which is the program I have) but I would imagine it would have a similar feature.
As for what he said before meeting, I think if you're going to date (whether OLD or otherwise), you have to be able to accept that graciously ("oh, how nice of you to say so") but in your mind be thinking, "yeah, right, you don't even KNOW me yet!" The proverbial grain of salt, if you will.
Sheri
We've all been there and I was there as recently as last week, although my guy was not from OLD (I met him at a party that a friend was having), he was very persistent about wanting to take me out last Tuesday, he did actually call last Monday and we had a really good time. He said he wanted to go out for drinks last Thursday and that he would give me a call on Wednesday night. As you can guess, no call, no date for Thursday, nothing. This guy was saying how he wanted to see me again and was laying it on pretty thick, even holding my hand at the end of the date and referring to future dates and I can honestly look back and not recall a single awkward moment in our date.
Bottom line, who knows what the heck is wrong with these guys? My biggest peeve is people who do not follow through on what they say so this guy was doing me a favor by basically standing me up. I also do not feel like dealing with someone who is a flake and on that level as well this guy was doing me a favor. I didn't call him and if I wasn't already somewhat cynical about dating I probably would've thought something had happened to him and called local hospitals because of how intent he was on taking me out again.
It happens, you can't see it as a reflection on you and definitely don't try to analyze why this guy blew you off suddenly, there could be a million and one reasons why, just move on to better things and you will find better things :)
We will never know why HE (any "he") didn't call again, but here are two reasons: a young man may have found someone more exciting (the bird in the hand being more enticing than the bird in the bush...or over the computer); an older man may get cold feet.
Other times, you just don't know. I met "the man of my dreams" last fall. We had lunch twice, as we worked near each other. Then his emails, formerly long and interesting, got short, shorter, shortest. Why did he even bother writing to me if he didn't want to see me and could only spare me five words? That was what puzzled me. Months later, he came up to me in a store and was super-friendly....but didn't answer my subsequent email.