Just wondering

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Just wondering
10
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 2:06pm
What type of questions do you ask a potential when you first meet?

I was thinking of what we talked about in Bible study Wednesday night and it was about asking the right questions before getting involved into relationships. The just of it was before getting married, having children know who it is. Cut the chase, if you feel you are ready to settle down then ask the settle down questions, like religion, family values, if they believe in roles of a household (ie man brings home the bacon and the woman cooks it up), what type of family did they have growing up and how does that affect there outlook on relationships. Or if you just want to date then you talk of the fun stuff to begin with because dating and not being ready to settle down you are in for the fun stuff so you want to know about hobbies and such. I think you all get the point now, I hope... LOL What type of questions come to mind for you for either relationship and say which they are for?

Marie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 2:53pm
Marie, I hope I am not the only one to respond all day to these questions. I wonder where everyone is?! lol Okay, well here are my answers anywho.

I think there are certain things you should know before you walk down the aisle or even move in together. Personally, I have asked Mark all the appropriate questions and such. I have asked him about his parents and whether they were married, and of course he has went into specific detail about his childhood and his brother. His grandparents played a big part in his child rearing years and was in boarding school mostly all his school age years. So, he has had a pretty structured life. I have asked him about religion and we are pretty much on the same page with it. Spritual, not religious. We have both described the sort of church we would want to be members of and all that. WE are in agreement. We have spoken about the what if's. Such as, what if one of my kids came to you with a problem and didnt want you to tell me, blah blah. We have talked about all that. We have talked about our finances and what we expect from a partner. That is really alot of what we speak about. What our individual views are on all issues. We have both been married before, so it helps us to know which questions to ask. We are both alike in a lot of ways, but of course that is all right now through distance. We will have to know each other on a different level when he comes over next month. It will be more detailed and such. So, as far as it goes, we are on the same page with all the must know before we proceed. I have this certain qualification process for men now, and it is funny, but it has helped me to weed out alot of the bad ones early on. I am very demanding and if a man cannot handle that, well he is history. I expect alot out of my relationship and it will be everything for me or nothing at all. That is just my take on things. SO, next!! lol

Gail

P.S. Oh, and have a great weekend everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 3:53pm
When it comes to the internet I will ask "why did oyu join match.com? If I get "to meet some people" or "to find the right person" I may follow up with "what do you mean by that?" I try not to ask too many pointed questions. Instead I bring up seemingly innocent topics like - living in manhattan (which I do), travel, reading, movies, nephews/nieces. Here are the things I have learned within the first ten minutes (and usually the first five) of a phone conversation with various men (and this is after a nice email!):

He thinks his sister in law is a b__ch even though she lets him live at her place;

He continuously violates copyright/trademark laws in his business (and this is with knowing that I am an intellectual property lawyer)

He thinks Sex and the City ruined oral sex for men

He screams at his neighbors

His sister in law got plenty of money in a divorce settlement

He had a bad breakup recently

His wife left him for another woman

He married someone to help her get a green card, and they have a child

He enjoys living with his parents

He has 7 published appellate decisions (this was the second sentence of an email to me introducing himself). Hmmmmmmmm

Of course the break up one is ok - but it is the timing that is off. I didn't ask any specific questions to get that information - what I did do was raise lighthearted topics, let them do most of the talking and listen very closely for voice tone (I can tell depression from a mile away) and whether I am asked any questions about me, and what they are. Out of the men I mentioned above - I met the last one - what a mistake - second question at dinner - he chose an expensive restuarant "do you have any published decisions" (should have written on a napkin "I decide never to see you again" signed it and passed it to him and left!) - I answered him - and when the check came, after telling me ad nauseum about all his money - he accepted my offer to split the bill, and then asked me out again. So, moral of the story - if something seems off - and listen to the man closely - NEXT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 4:31pm
Wow Deena! You seem to have this down to a near science! I cant believe some of those answers or volunteered information LOL. Truly I find it all rather baffleing, I've never dated in such a way as many people have, or online as it seems to be popular now. I am not certian it really sounds like fun anyway. Good luck to you in finding a gem amongst all these rocks.

Winter

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 5:02pm
Thanks - right now I am seeing someone (not from the internet). But, as far as what I need to know to commit as opposed to meet for coffee -that is much more serious and yes I ask lots of questions if the topics don't come up - I need to know his vision of a Jewish home, views on discipline, drugs, alcohol (I won't date someone who still uses illegal drugs, for any reason, or who drinks excessively) - I need to know a lot about his work ethic (but that is from observation mostly), etc.
Avatar for linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 8:03pm
Well, I usually go for the normal, how old are you/where are you from Q, I ask about their families....how many siblings, are they close with their parents, etc, what they like to do in their spare time, pretty much the normal things that will help me get to know them better :)

Lindsay

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 1:05am
Linds, just my opinion. But, knowing you from the board and some of the guys you have talked or the relationships you have had. I feel you want a more long standing one and the more committed questions should be the route you go. It may not lead to marriage but it would give you more insight because the questions you asked are very general. They are questions asked in a chat room and sometimes go no further or maybe offline messages but nothing long term (in my experience). I know deep down you want the long term and from your own raising the stability of a relationship but maybe a more upfront approach will help. I also know you are reading this and thinking this is not you, I know you are the peace keeper. :) I use to be that way but I had to change that, and have noticed the difference in guys since I met my first online or even my sons father and how it will make some guys high tail it out of the place because I am putting it to them a blunt way.

This I will not put in an email, but remember I am not attacking you and your post will help too fold. I will be emailing this to a friend because she is similar to you. Just the kindest sweetest person but guys just neglect it and sometimes it does have to do with words.

Let me know if I am off base or not....

Marie

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Avatar for linds8300
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 11:03am
Awww thanks Marie! I know your not attacking me....so don't worry about it! Your right, I do want something long term....I'm 20 years old and I've never had a relationship last longer than 3 or 4 months. I want to be on that like highest level of love with someone that you can get to...and I've never gotten there, I can say I've been in love, but it was one of those things that happened so fast I question myself if it really was love or if it was just me having these incredibly strong feelings for someone.

I've never been a good question asker, lol. Thats why I go with the general stuff, because I don't know what else to say. I don't want to get too personal too fast and offend the person and I don't want to ask these questions that have bad answers that are going to make us both uncomfortable. I know I'm still young and I'll learn eventually and find the guy thats going to sweep me off my feet....I just want it to happen now!!! lol

Lindsay

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Avatar for salsal2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 12:31pm
WEll... if I'm really interested in a person (not for fun and good times) I do ask a lot about their past, asking about the future doesn't mean much to me since if someone asks me what I intend to do or even wish, i can't give a real answer... I usually ask something about religion and philosophy, it doesn't matter to me if they don't have any firm beliefs, or the same beliefs as mine, it's the real zealots I avoid. Then... I ask about money, to see how materialistic and money-oriented they are, and what they think about a woman's income, should she have one, and if so, should she contribute 50%? All of it? I ask about children...

And after all that careful research, I generally tend to close my eyes and ears and go for the ones who are absolutely, disastrously "wrong" for me anyway.

Sal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 11:55am
Hi

To continue this questions about the past...what is acceptable and what is not?

1)Drug abuse in past,not now.

2)Fellony charge,but cleaned up act now

3)misdemeanor for something light eg:dui or shoplifting

4)alcohol use,now been through 12 step program

5)had kid with gf in highschool,not there for kid then,now mature and responsible

Actually I wonder what men look for in women's past too

sexual partners?drugs?a winona ryder type case...are these okay?

Just wondering aloud.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 9:59am
I am sure someone will date Winona Ryder even after her run with the law! lol So, I think it totally depends on what you are willing to accept about a person or not. If you think, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes, then we can move on from a past shoplifting incident. Now, if you meet someone and they say, "Well, last week I was picked up for shoplifting". I would say, that would be a no go for dating! lol Anyway! Just had to add to your posts.

Gail