Keep my options open?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Keep my options open?
18
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 10:05pm

Posted this on another board, will take all the help I can get!!j

So I started dating this guy last week. I like him a lot....we have great chemistry, we can sit and talk, or just be quiet, he's very affectionate like me. I've been chatting on-line with another guy who I haven't met yet, but we seem compatible as well.

I like the first guy a lot, but nothing has been said (because it's way too early) about exclusive dating. Do I keep my options open?? or stop chatting with the other guy on-line?

Also, can anyone answer a question for me? The first guy was telling me about a conversation with one of his male friends..his friend told him that he knew a mutual aquaintance who was now single & suggested that this guy go out with her....and he TOLD ME THIS telling me how funny it was. What does that mean?? also obviously, he hasn't told his friend about me :(

Thanks for any advice

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 11:43pm

Keep your options open for sure, until you have a specific discussion and agreement with someone about dating exclusively. If I were you, I'd try to schedule a meet with the other guy ASAP.

As for the story--who knows why he would tell you that. It sounds like he's clueless for sure about appropriate topics to discuss while you're on a date ;-)...that would be a huge turn-off for me, personally.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 12:10am

I agree! Definitely keep your options open. When I started dating again I was foolish enough to not meet anyone new. I definitely let a couple good guys go because of that! Plus from experience I believe the other person is usually seeing other people until the topic of seeing eachother exclusively is brought up. So go out and get 'em girl! The guy may have brought the idea of him being hooked up for a date with someone else to get a reaction out of you as well. There's really no telling why he's say something like that. Good luck!

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 11:44am

It's definitely fine to see other people, but do so carefully. Things can get serious between you and guy #1 quickly. I'd set up a meet with guy #2 as soon as possible. Also, while you don't have to come out and volunteer info about guy #2 to guy #1, be sure not to lie about it (e.g. if guy #1 asks you what you are doing on Friday and you happen to have a date with guy #2 that day, just tell him the truth: it will save you a lot of drama later on).

As far as guy #1's curious comment, I can tell you for a FACT that he was just trying to impress you by making himself seem desirable. Guys are stupid like that (I should know). Believe it or not, you should be flattered. The common rule is, the more other people like you, the more your date will like you. Some people take this prinicple and stretch it a bit too far. Why does the fact that a friend wants to set him up make him seem likable? It doesn't. But believe me, this is what he was going for - I've seen it done before. Don't hold it against him though, common male faux pas...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 3:21pm

I disagree with telling Guy #1 she has a date. I would hate to hear that--it's one thing to assume someone's dating other people, it's quite another to be TOLD that. I would just say "I have plans".

The exception would be if he comes right out and asks if she's dating other people, then she should say yes, but without giving details.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 10:52am

I agree with Sheri 100%.

heather 5-18-10
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 4:02pm
To clarify, I didn't suggest that she volunteer info about another guy. In fact, I specifically suggested she not do this. Rather, I suggested that she not lie about it if confronted. If there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing someone else, why would finding out make him feel bad? You can't have it both ways. Either there is someting inherently wrong about it, or she should feel free to discuss it with guy #1. Besides, do you really want to start out what might be a lasting relationship with a lie? And I definitely don't think saying "I have plans" will solve anything, because I guarantee you the next question will be "what are you doing?" It's just conversational reflex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 4:12pm
And I hope I don't sound preachy. I just happen to speak from experience on this point ;)
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 4:40pm

Hmm. I've said that to guys I'm dating, and most of the time, have NOT been asked "what are you doing". On the rare occasions when a guy DOES ask me that, I just say something like I'm having dinner with a friend, but I'm definitely thinking MAN, this guy is WAY too nosey given that we've only had a couple of dates!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 4:43pm
Well, I guess I just look at it from the perspective of how SHE felt when he told her that he could be dating others.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 4:44pm

And I *strongly* disagree that if you're not willing to discuss it, that means you think you're doing something wrong.

IMO, it's just plain tacky to discuss your other dates. That doesn't mean the dates themselves are "wrong" if you have no agreement to be exclusive, but if a guy starts talking about a date with another woman, I am instantly turned off. I know he's going out with other people if we haven't agreed to be exclusive, I just don't want to HEAR about it!

And who said anything about lying? Saying I have plans is not a lie.

Sheri

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