Keep my options open?
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| Mon, 08-28-2006 - 10:05pm |
Posted this on another board, will take all the help I can get!!j
So I started dating this guy last week. I like him a lot....we have great chemistry, we can sit and talk, or just be quiet, he's very affectionate like me. I've been chatting on-line with another guy who I haven't met yet, but we seem compatible as well.
I like the first guy a lot, but nothing has been said (because it's way too early) about exclusive dating. Do I keep my options open?? or stop chatting with the other guy on-line?
Also, can anyone answer a question for me? The first guy was telling me about a conversation with one of his male friends..his friend told him that he knew a mutual aquaintance who was now single & suggested that this guy go out with her....and he TOLD ME THIS telling me how funny it was. What does that mean?? also obviously, he hasn't told his friend about me :(
Thanks for any advice

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No, it isn't lying. I just think that, if I asked ANYBODY (my mom, the guy in the office next door, the clerk at Walgreens) if they were free saturday, and they said, "I have plans," I would immediately, without even thinking about it, follow up with "cool, what are you up to?" Just as a matter of making conversation. I don't think that's being nosy.
In any case, I think I am being misunderstood. Again, I do not think it would be ok/tactful to just tell someone you are dating that you are dating someone else. I just don't recommend lying (and I would consider "having dinner with a friend" a lie in this case, as it is intentionally misleading - it's the lawyer in me, sorry) if, and this is a big IF, you find yourself cornered with an innocent, making conversation type question about your plans for a given night. I found myself in this situation a couple years ago. I was hanging out with a girl from work, not really dating yet, and around the same time, was set up on a blind date. Well, having no commitment to anyone, I ended up going out with each of them a couple times. I handled things just as you are suggesting ("I have plans with a friend," etc.) when asked by one what I was doing on a weekend or whatever. You'd be surprised how quickly things snowballed into full-on lies and deception. At the time, I barely knew either of them and I just wanted to make sure nobody's feelings got hurt. It turned into a nightmare (this was all in the period of about a month and a half) and I desperately wished I would have just been honest from the beginning. I'm just trying to help - don't want to see anyone make the same mistakes I did.
And, if she wants to reply "I don't want to talk about it" when dude asks her what she is doing Friday night, that's fine. However, if she feels she has to BLATANTLY LIE in order to protect dude's feelings, than, yes, something is wrong.
And again, to clarify, there would be nothing wrong with saying "I have plans" either, I just don't think it would work.
Hope noone's mad at me; I'm really just trying to help.
Huh. I could not disagree more that saying that is intentionally misleading, and I'm a lawyer too, LOL! I think most people who are dating someone but not exclusively understand that "I have plans" and/or "I'm having dinner with a friend" is code for "I have another date but I don't want to rub it in your face".
I'm sorry that you had a situation that snowballed but at some point you must have made the decision to be full-on deceptive, because I don't see how saying what you said about having plans with a friend would lead anyone to feel deceived (unless they had unrealistic notions or expectations about exclusivity--but that is a different issue).
Sheri
I'm not mad ;-), I just strongly disagree that saying you have plans with a friend is a "blatant lie". It's the truth. OTOH, if someone asks me a direct question, "do you have a date?" and I say "no", when I do, THAT is a lie. I would answer that question truthfully if asked.
Sheri
I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that first point, Counsel!
Hey, it's entirely possible that just saying, "I have plans" will be enough, and dude will follow the code. I'm sure I would have thought so before my situation a couple of years ago. I'm just saying that IF she finds herself in a lie-or-truth situation, she should opt for truth to avoid a mess later on. Moreover (there's a legalese transition word for ya), I am not trying to plead innocence as far as my earlier situation. I screwed up, and I'm not proud of the way I handled things. However, had I just engaged in full disclosure from Day One, I never would have been faced with the decision to become deceitful in the first place, and, looking back on it, I wish I would have gone that route.
This has been fun. Now, who do we bill this hour to?
Mark
Ok, fair enough ;-)!
And on a more serious note, I do agree that if at any point the OP or anyone is faced with a choice between having to flat out lie, and being truthful, honesty is the best policy.
Sheri
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