The kid thing...
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The kid thing...
| Sat, 03-12-2005 - 12:40pm |
Okay-since I've gotten comfortable here I thought I'd bring up kids.
| Sat, 03-12-2005 - 12:40pm |
Okay-since I've gotten comfortable here I thought I'd bring up kids.
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In my age group (mid-40s), it's pretty much unavoidable to date men with kids. I've always been open to doing so, but at least one man I liked a lot decided not to get involved with me at least in part because I *didn't* have kids and he didn't think I'd be as understanding as someone who did (we're good friends now so he told me that after we became friends).
I was seriously involved with one man who had his son every other weekend, so it was workable. I didn't meet his son until a couple months into it, when we had decided we were serious about each other (which in retrospect was way too soon of course. With another man I dated, I didn't meet his kids the whole time we were dating (5 months) because I never felt we were in the "serious" stage). I would sometimes have dinner with them the weekends he had his son and stay and watch a movie or whatever, but never stayed over when his son was there (because we both felt it was inappropriate to do so until we were at least engaged). I enjoyed his son and would have liked being a stepmom, I think. We broke up due to his dishonesty and unwillingness to stop having profiles online (even after we'd made a commitment to date exclusively), not the fact that he was a dad.
I think a man with children can definitely make you the top *adult* in his life, and that you can be among his top priorities. It really depends on his parenting style though...does he parent out of guilt, for instance, and confuse wants with needs, so that the child gets his or her way even when it's not urgent?
Sheri
Seems to me that maybe you KNOW you don't want to bother with men with kids, and that is OK. If you are settled in your "carefree" life, kids may mess with that... and as long as you are up front and no one gets hurt, I'm sure you can find a man(men) who either have older kids, or don't want kids either.
Another perspective though... I am 31, single mother to two little girls(8 and 2.5) and made it a top criteria that anyone I date DOES have kids. HE needs to understand that if something comes up... sick kid, ex doesn't take them, WHATEVER... that THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GONNA BE.
I actually met someone from OLD about 6 weeks ago, that I have been "exclusive" with since, who is a 32 year old divorced dad of a 2 year old little girl... with custody. We both understand where we stand with our current kids, making it TOP PRIORITY, and neither of us feels slighted...
I guess if you know where you are at, and what you want... you certainly can find men who DON'T have or want kids in your age range.
Was this meant to be addressed to me? Where did I say or imply I didn't want to date men with kids?
Sheri
You asked: Do you think it's better for people with kids to date other's with kids?
Hi Spark,
I think that depends entirely on the people involved. My sons are later teens, so I do not prefer to date men with kids Younger than 13,(and let it be known) for the same reasons you do not think you and a man with kids would 'get' each others' lifestyle, I agree!
My sons do not meet a man til I am serious with him,although they may ask where we went, what he drives (car loco boys! lol.) No need to parade people through their lives that have no bearing, plus I do not expose them to people I do not know their character well; that is a "mama bear' thing.
I think you are wonderfully honest to state that you do not want to have children, if that is your choice. It is a lifetime committment and one not entered into lightly; I Love being a Mom, but I Chose that. You might meet a man and your opinion could change, if you fall in love with him. It also depends on what Kind of parent they are; informed and involved at a normal level, in denial (yuck!), etc.
Per your preference, you might not 86 an Entire group of men, just because they have children. Take it case by case, but at your age, it is fair to let them know you do not want kids. Even at 48, I have had to state that clearly! I adore "Search and Destroy", my sons, but No mas, please!!!
Hope this helps. Hugs on the ugly step-parentage thing too....:(
Truly,
Cupcake
OHHH, I definitely didn't think you come off as a kid-hater... quite the opposite. I thought that you are very comfortable and confident with what you are doing and where you are at in your life... at 37, that certainly can be a decision you have/were been able to make confidently.
I guess my point was, that if you ARE comfortable with YOU now, and maybe kids isn't in your cards, for whatever reason (and I am sorry you felt the need to disclose your personal issues) it is OK to seek out people with the same game plan.
I hope I didn't offend you.... you know how it is sometimes trying to see what is really being said behind the keyboard.
Hi Spark,
I have two friends who chose not to have children, but they are wonderful to and with my boys, so I don't think that people would think you are a kid hater,(though some might, I guess) if you do not have them. It is an informed, adult decision.
Also, please Spare me the people who bring a child into this world and then do NOT want to be a parent to them; so they let them run all over everyone they come in contact with!! Biology does Not make you a parent, so though you may not choose to have any, and your medical issues are to be considered, you might still be an Awesome mom to a step-child!
I kinda see it as a preference, and it is Not for everyone!
Truly,
Cupcake
I agree with Sheri that a man with kids could make you the top *adult* in his life, but the kids needs will always be a higher priority until they are grown... and still after that sometimes.
How do you not get the kids involved? Yeah, that's a tricky one for me since I'm the only parent. It requires arranging for a sitter whenever I want to go out. Not terribly convenient. But also good in its odd way because it makes it impossible to invest TOO much time & energy with a new person. It'll make you appreciate your time together with your date that much more. I would also agree that it's inappropriate for kids to meet a new bf/gf until it's fairly serious i.e. considering marriage. At that point, seeing how the person gets along with the kids would be one of the final clues as to whether the r'ship will last. But, this "rule" may not be right for everyone, and even if it's right, some people don't follow it. For me it was learned the hard way.
If parenting/step-parenting doesn't feel like the right choice for you, you probably should rule out people with kids from the get-go. If you're not sure, eh, play it by ear. I have one and was undecided about more... originally thought if I was going to have more than one, I'd want them to be within a few years. Well my son is 4-1/2 now and that window is fairly well closed. Besides which a recently discovered "structural issue" might prevent me from having anymore anyway, or at least make it extremely high risk. So now I'm trying to focus my search on people who already have one or more child/ren and don't want any more. Or, who would consider adopting as I have also considered.
Not sure if there was an answer in there, but maybe my perspective gives you something to think about. :)
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