The kid thing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
The kid thing...
14
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 12:40pm

Okay-since I've gotten comfortable here I thought I'd bring up kids.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 8:04pm

Sparkle, I didn't get the impression you were a kid-hater at all. I admire you for being thoughtful about such an important decision.

I have been a single parent since my daughter was 2 (she's now almost-18). Her father and I shared custody so I always had free time. In the last 18 years she has met exactly two other men I was involved with, one by accident since she met us walking down the street. The other I was involved with for a couple of years and he remained a friend of the family. All the others she never met, as I don't believe in "uncles".

After a year in OLD, my original ideal shopping list has been pared down considerably. Mostly from reading all the experiences and opinions of the wonderful people on this board. They helped me think through my, for lack of a better word, biases. I used to believe that I wouldn't date a man without children and if he had children they must not be pre-teen. I now have only one true instant deal breaker left: he must be divorced, not just separated (even if he's been separated for 20 years!).

Dating a single father has its challenges, less so than for a man dating a single mother. Women are quite used to multi-tasking but men, IMHO, are used to having women take care of things around them and seem to turn into idiots when given more than 2 responsibilties at one time.

Also, not all fathers have shared custody (like D and I did/do) but are "weekend dads", meaning getting the kids every other weekend. Seeing their children so rarely, they tend to dote on them when they have a chance. I totally understand that.

Every situation will be different, will have its challenges, when children are involved, no matter what their age. You seem to me to be a very kind, upbeat and open minded person so if you DID meet and fall for a single dad you would have no problem dealing with the situation.

And just one final point and I'll leave you alone: my dear, NOT ONE OF US KNEW how to be a parent at one time. We all just learned as we went along.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 10:44pm

Okey, dokey. I've been hemming and hawwing whether or not to respond to your post, but this a a Subject that is a potential dealbreaker for me and near and dear to my heart.

Disclaimer: ABM is not a kid-hater. She just likes OTHER people's kids and only for an hour at a time. :-)

I've known since about the age of 10 (when I asked my mother if I could be spayed like the dog...she thought I was kidding) that I never wanted any children. I am simply not mommy material. There are no children in my family..... my only sibling never wanted any either. Therefore, I don't know how to relate to children and I am very uncomfortable around them.

If I had my drothers, I'd rather not date a guy with kids. But, realistically, there aren't too many of those around. I don't have a problem with GROWN children, but small children are a dealbreaker. I have never changed a diaper in my life, and I don't intend to start now. I am also not interested in all the activities that go along with having kids....soccer games, dance recitals, Holiday concerts, etc. Having had a LTR with someone who has a son, been there, done that, bought the T shirt. Excruciating, but a necessary part of having a relationship with a parent. I'd also rather not deal with teenagers.....too much drama.

So, that whittles my choices down, doesn't it?

ABM

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 10:48pm

Hi Everybody-


Thanks for talking about this with me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 11:45pm

>>I think it's dangerous to get kids involved in with dating...but how can it be avoided? <<

Well, you avoid it by not dating the kids- you date the parent. :)

I think that some people have their kids's lives so wrapped into their own that it's nearly impossible to keep the kids out of the dating scenario... and when I ran across a gal or two like that while dating, I simply got out of the situation.

It's not that I only dated women without kids; I'm willing to do that, because I like kids. But I want to date HER, not the kids. I think that a date probably shouldn't be meeting the kids until things are fairly serious, and even then that the date shouldn't become part of the kids's lives until the couple is thinking about long-term.

I do think that while the kids's needs are very important, the need of the parents to be fulfilled in their own lives is also very important. I think it is wrong to give kids "veto" power over a dating partner. I met one gal who said she wouldn't get involved with someone if her kids didn't like them- guess what? Her kids "hated" every guy she met, so she was totally (and ONLY) into them, and they ran her life.

That's a recipie for turning out a completely self-centered kid. It's one thing to say that raising the children is the first and main priority, and it's another thing to let the kids run the adults's lives.
.

>>Do you think it's beeter for people with kids to date other's with kids?<<

Hmmm... probably, but I think that people should be open to it either way. But that's just me; obviously someone like ABM is going to have a huge preference towards only dating men without kids.

The important thing, I think, is to have thought about it a bit beforehand and have an idea what you feel/think about the whole situation. It would really stink to get involved with someone and then later realize that you have no intention of raising kids, or the opposite (to be totally into kids and wind up with someone who is vehemently opposed).

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