Kids.....a touchy subject
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| Sat, 01-15-2005 - 5:11pm |
OK, once again, I need your opinions. This guy on match contacted me and we've been emailing. He has a son, 17 and a daughter, 15. I don't know the whole story, but I gather that the son lives with him and the daughter lives (or lived) with her mother in Puerto Rico. We finally agreed to meet last weekend for coffee. The kids were visiting their mother in Puerto Rico. Before we could meet, he emailed me to cancel because the kids called him frantically (from Puerto Rico) that they didn't want to stay with their mother anymore. So, he dropped everything and flew down to Puerto Rico to get them. Both kids are now living with him. Fast forward to this weekend. We were suppposed to meet for coffee tomorrow morning. This morning I received an email from him that he got an email from the ex saying that the daughter was smoking pot and drinking while he wasn't there. Who knows where she got this information from, but it might be the son. Anyway, he has to deal with daughter's behavior issues this weekend and doesn't know if he can meet.
One the one hand, I applaud him for being such a good and loving father who wants the best for his children. On the other hand, if these kids really have such "issues" do I really want to deal with it? From a bystander's perspective (an opinion because I really don't know the whole story), it appears that these kids are manipulative...pitting one parent against the other and playing a game of oneupmanship against each other as well. Also, does he really need the WHOLE weekend to deal with daughter's issues and can't take an hour for himself? And, he can't take her with him everywhere he goes.....he can't watch her 24/7....he DOES have a job.
IF (and a big IF) he is telling me the truth, I am not sure that I even want any part of this. OK, I'll be honest. If there was someone else waiting in the wings, I wouldn't hesitate to say NEXT! But there isn't any Next and at my age, maybe I'll get another Next in about 6 months. Part of me says no way and the other parts says you have nothing else, so go out with the guy, children and all.
What would you all do? As I am not a parent, I'd be especially curious to hear the opnions of those of you who are.
Ann

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It sounds to me like he actually doesn't have any spare time left over for dating. Men (in my opinion) seem to find single parenting alot harder and more complicated than women do. I'm not saying they don't do a good job, but it is more difficult for them to do so. I've corresponded with several "single father's" who had custody of their kid(s) ranging from 1 up to 4 and wound up NOT dating any of them simply because they couldn't find any extra time for me. If you're wanting more personal attention from him, you may want to just move on. It doesn't sound like he's going to have too much to give.
Jeanie
If you are not a parent, don't go there. Take it from the parent of a 25 and 20 year old. When I was going through the teenage years (I did it alone), it was hell. Even I wanted out.
If you don't have to be in that situation. I'd advise you--don't.
Sometimes it seems like there is nothing else out there (I'm 44 and sometimes I feel that way too). But where I'm from they say "es mejor estar sola que mal acompanada" (better to be alone than in bad company.
I'm Puertorrican and boy it seems like they live for drama!!!
Take it for what it's worth.
Good luck,
Claribeth
I agree. I had a date with a guy who has joint custody of his two kids and as he was describing his hectic days and the kids' daily dramas, I thought, how does this guy even find time to date? I don't have kids and thought it wouldn't be a big deal to date someone who does, but now I'm not so sure.
Actually what really turned me off about him was when he smugly told me the odds in our area are in his favor because there are so many more single women than single men around here. Gee thanks, I needed to be reminded of that. Putz. And he was no Brad Pitt, trust me.
You said it, ic -- what a putz!! And being Brad sure didn't help Brad did it? He's got dumped by yet another woman. I have just left him an I-Told-You-So message on his voicemail.
Anyway, back to you ann. I am a parent of a teenager which doesn't help at all in this situation. The problem is you have a grown man who has teenager problems. Get ready for a lot more drama, since he seems willing to drop everything and ride to the rescue.
Nothing wrong with casually dating him, however. Look at it as practicing for the real thing!
Thanks for your candid opinion, Claribeth. I think maybe I'm going to take your advice. It's too bad, since he seems like such a nice guy, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this is only the tip of the iceberg of rotten teenage behavior and there's more, much more to come. With Momzilla living with me, I have just about as much drama as I can stand.
P.S. I don't know what part of the deep dark recesses of my brain it came from :-), but I actually understood your Spanish phrase!
Ann
Amjay, nice to see you back...I've MISSED your sometimes right-on-the-money caustic wit!
Hmmmmm.....drama. I have enough drama, thank you very much. You're right....he DOES drop everything, don his white hat and ride into the sunset to the rescue. Which means I see a lot more cancellations and reschedules in my future when kidzilla decides to have a crisis.
I have to think about whther or not I even want to date him casually
Ann
Jeannie,
Thanks for your opinion. I was thinking the same thing myself. Geez, if his kids tie him up that much that he doesn't even have time for coffee, that doesn't set well with me.
Ann
Icarrie,
Yup, that's what I was thinking.....how hard could it be dating a guy with kids? What a bozo I was!
Ann
Hi there- If you don't have children, it is easier to date somone who doesn't have children. I never dated someone with children until after my daughter came along. Since then I have dated both men with and without children. Men that didn't have children expected all my free time to be spent with them. Therefore I had no time to be just by myself. Perhaps if I was really into them I wouldn't have mind, but I do think we all need some alone time.
Dating men with children and ex's can be filled with drama, but it could also be filled with drama on my side. A child that is having a substance problem, I would not leave home alone for any given amount of time until I was able to trust that child again to make the right choices. Therefore I can see how he can not go out for coffee.
Some men that I have dated that have children want to schedule things around their schedule and don't really seem to work with my schedule. They want me to find a babysitter in the middle of the week for dinner since they go to see their children every weekend. I use to try hard to do this, know I pretty much don't bother to schedule anything unless it is my free weekend.
I like to say I found the best of both worlds, however, there still is a lot of compromise. My current BF has a 16 year old son who lives in another state. We all do get together when he comes in, but he has only been here 4 times in the last year. However, I still hear about all the problems with the ex.
My only issue with it, and it would probably be another post, is that my daughter adores him. He is not use to being around little girls. He has a son and his ex-girlfriend had all boys. So he isn't so lovey dovey with my daughter. Which in some ways is kind of good, because that might be creepy if he was. However, since my daughter adores him she always runs up to him and gives him hugs and it seems like he gives her a half hug back. We have discusssed this and he does tell me that he just isn't use to little girls and what to do with them. I just don't know if I should take it for more that what he tells me.
If you do decide to go out with this man, just remember you willnever be the first priority. Just like another man wouldn't be your first priority if you had your own children. And I'm sorry to say, but you just won't understand until you hold your own child for the very first time.
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