Know the answer already

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Know the answer already
9
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 8:20pm
Thought I would turn to my sisters on IVillage for a little advice. My BF and I broke up in September. It was a devastating breakup for me but that was all in many other postings so we won't go there. Meanwhile, I decided to try OLD again.... I met somebody and right up front told him that I wasn't looking for a purely physical relationship, etc., etc. I think I am full of crap. Our first date we met at a brewery and although I drink maybe once or twice a year if I am lucky, I managed to empty a bottle of wine in 4 hours all the while spewing my issues and how upsetting this breakup with my BF was. How EMBARASSING! We ended up in the front seat of my car making out like a couple of kids. AGAIN - HOW EMBARASSING! I cannot tell you how out of character this behavior is for me. Ladies, I am not even attracted to him. Even worse, believe it or not he called again, asked me out for dinner and I accepted. I don't know why. We had a nice dinner, not much conversation but now I think he thinks we are an "item". I ended the dinner with a thank you and maybe we would see each other again, blah, blah, blah and the next day I got a dozen roses at work. Beautiful, expensive, OMG roses! He did not "do it" for me at all but is a nice guy and seems to want to indulge me. He wants to see me again. THe selfish side of me is saying this,"OK, let this guy spend his money on you, get some no commitment sex out of it and be on your way." The intellectual side of me is saying, "What the HELL are you doing! This is not you! Don't just go have sex with this guy because you miss it. You know you aren't ready for a relationship and you would be using this guy who seems to be into you."
Anybody been here before? This is new territory for me. I read this and it sounds ridiculous to me. I am far more intelligent than this. I think I am trying to purge all of my feelings for my ex BF by using someone.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 8:25pm

It does sound like you know the answer. The right thing to do here is to call or email this guy and let him know that you've enjoyed spending time with him but you don't feel that the two of you are a match (and/or that you are still too much in pain from your breakup to be dating, but if you say that then you need to take down your profile because otherwise he will know it's a lie).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 8:41pm
Hi Maria,
Maybe you have not had enough recovery time from losing your boyfriend. Just a thought...Turning to drinking indicates you are having trouble with some issues that were there before this poor guy. Can you try going out with him a few times without the booze? From here, it sounds like you are having trouble respecting yourself. Slow things down or let him go. You don't seem ready for what you're getting into. Take care,
E
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 8:50pm
another thought... if you told him all about your ex and he ends up sending you roses the next day, he might like the chase, knowing that you're not over another guy/not available, etc. then again, he just might be a nice guy. but if you're not feeling it, don't force yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 3:45am

>This is not you! Don't just go have sex with this
>guy because you miss it. You know you aren't ready
>for a relationship and you would be using this guy
>who seems to be into you."

I've been told that this is the reason why there are so many male "jerks" using OLD. Stop being a jerk!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 9:07am

Give yourself a pass for acting inappropriately one time. Call this man and tell him that you appreciated the roses but you need to take some time for yourself.

Chalk it up to experience and move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 3:00pm
You are right. This behaviour suprised me. I am not this person and did not enjoy it at all. He is a nice person and will be make some gal very happy, just not me. I did let him know that I appreciated our time together, the flowers, etc. but that I needed to spend more time on my own. I don't want to hurt anyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 3:03pm
You're right. The fact that I am acting out of character is a huge indicator that I need to take some steps back and be solitary for a while longer. Alcohol is not the way to go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 3:07pm
Hi Sheri- I did just what you suggested. It is amazing to me that I am still in pain over this breakup. I felt as though it was subsiding to a point where I could do a little dating. Obviously, I am wrong. I feel like one of those women that goes around treating guys like crap because they got treated like crap and I DO NOT want to go there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 11-24-2005 - 10:25am
Now that you have told him that you're not ready and removed your profile, don't beat yourself up over this. Pain and grief make us do funny things so don't feel badly about this. Just take time for yourself, get over your ex and then move on when you feel ready.

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