language skills how important?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
language skills how important?
3
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 12:42pm

We live in a country (Those in US and Canada can relate most) where we meet people from all origins and backgrounds.
I ve met people from India, China, Eastern Europe, Northern Europe, Middle East, Latin America, Africa... I feel that many of the immigrants here share the culture of this country in a way. The only thing that sets them apart is their language skills. My question:
how comfortable would you be dating someone who shares same values/lifestyle as you but is not a native speaker of your language. Do you feel it is enough if they are comfortable expressing themselves in that language and wouldnot mind few mistakes here and there or you require someone who has complete mastery of the language? How much are you willing to compromise for a someone you like? and where do you draw the line?

I went on a date with the French guy who is 4 yrs younger. He is tall, really good looking and interesting person. Problem is his English is terrible. And the French accent is soooo strong :) My French is not bad. I m actually taking an intensive course in French Writing so we talk in French when together but I prefer to be with someone who speaks better English. I think I mentioned before that I met a bubly Italian Guy when I lived in Spain. And he was soooo charming and easy going and life loving but I broke up with him because it was so painful to talk! his English was terrible. And we would have dictionnary all the time with us (I was younger and more patient then) but after 3 yrs he called me once to tell me he is getting married to a Romanian girl and his English was sooooo good! so I felt I made the wrong decision by not sticking around :) I wish him all the best though but if he ever gets a divorce I would certainly reconsider (I feel so evil for saying this )

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 8:19pm

My last boyfriend was first generation American, his parents moved from Mexico. He didn't speak English until he was maybe 7 years old, and while he was definitely fluent in English, everyone once in a while he wouldn't know what word to say in English, sometimes he couldn't translate figures of speech and things from Spanish, and sometimes I'd use language he didn't understand (I grew up in the south, and we use, um, strange words sometimes). And when he got nervous he'd lapse into Spanish. :-) I wouldn't have it any other way. It was part of what I liked about our relationship.

Now, if he barely spoke English, I probably wouldn't have been able to handle it, but I'm totally ok with someone who has a good handle on English but isn't completely fluent. Let's just say I wouldn't want to carry a dictionary on dates.


Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 10:57am

First off I would not get involved with an immigrant who is not a citizen yet. I've seen too many people end up married to the wrong person because they wanted a shortcut to easier citizenship and of course the relationship ends badly. Maybe some of you would say that's a horrible stereotype, but not when you've repeatedly seen the damage firsthand.

That said, I have a terrible habit ingrained in me by my mom who was a teacher... I am pretty nitpicky about grammar and I constantly want to correct people. Now I know it's rude in most situations so I've learned to curb that urge (LOL)... but if someone's English is REALLY bad, it would drive me nuts.

Any second language takes a long time to master but there's a point... I don't know, let's say 70% fluent?... where it's good enough. Then again, a lot of people who ONLY speak English are maybe 70% fluent, so those are the ones who REALLY drive me nuts!

In an OLD profile, if you know you don't write well, there is NO excuse for not using a spelling/grammar check before posting it. So that's why I'll NEXT someone with a really poorly written profile - it's just lazy and shows that they don't take it seriously.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 2:01pm

I am sort of trying to make up my mind about this myself. I went out recently with a guy who has been in this country for 5 years. His English was good but on our first date, I repeated a word he said to myself after I was not sure if that's what he meant. He commented to me that I was correcting his English when I said I was not and was just repeating it to myself, and I felt like I upset him by doing so. There were also a couple of instances over the phone when he said words that did not translate properly into English and he sounded offended by the tone of his voice when I asked him if he meant what I thought he meant even though he said yes and I was correct. I'm not one to correct others but I want to make sure that I fully understand what someone else says so they're not offended later on when they recall it and I act like I'm hearing it for the first time. Some people are very self-conscious about their language skills and for them, having a relationship with someone whose English is better is not a good idea. I have a good friend whose English is also not excellent and she does not take offense if I were to do what I did with this guy I previously mentioned so everyone's different.

I also went out with someone for quite some time who was only in America for 8 years and while his English was great, he didn't get some figures of speech. We lasted for a long time and he rarely if ever got offended if I said something he misunderstood or if he needed me to help him with his English midconversation. I would just explain it to him and he had no ego about it which is what I think it essentially comes down to. The guy can't have a huge ego or low confidence, or relating to him if his English isn't perfect will drive him and you nuts. I'm a stickler for proper English but when it comes to non-native speakers, I have no qualms as long as the guy has no problem with my English being better and as long as we understand each other. Maybe this is because I'm an immigrant myself though I've lived in the U.S. for most of my life. Honestly, I've met American men whose vocabulary and language skills are worse than the foreign men I've met so I am totally open to dating foreign men as long as they feel the same way about me.