Last minute planning

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Last minute planning
31
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 12:24am

So Sean the-lunch-guy IMed me this morning, said he hadn't forgotten we were going to "do something" this weekend and he'd phone me this afternoon. But he didn't. He probably has a good reason. He really has been swamped at work. I'm going to guess that he had to work late today just as he did yesterday and when he got home he was too tired to phone me.

The problem is that he never said which day (much less at what time) on the weekend he was planning for us to get together. He didn't check to see if I was available at that time. I think that it is rude.

Anyway, I am tempted to make plans on my own and when (if?) he calls me tomorrow it will be tough, I didn't hear from you so I went ahead and planned to go shopping (or the movies, or iceskating or whatever) with another friend. I can, at least, make some phonecalls to see if one of my women friends is free.

The problem is I am worried that it will be rude. It's partly my fault for not insisting that he tell me what day and what time and roughly what it as that he was proposing we do. As I said, I am thinking Sean isn't going to be much use as anything but a Platonic friendship. But -- I also think that he has been rude about his "invitation."

Also if he forgets to call me (and he might) then I will be stuck with nothing to do all weekend because I made no plans waiting for him to call.

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Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 3:13pm

I interpreted 10:00 PM positively. I ask not to be called after 11:00 PM, so if he had just begun to feel human after being sick from his cold, and he realized what a rude idiot he'd been not to phone the previous night, I could see that he would call at 10:00 before it was too late to call that night.

As to it being Saturday, all but one of the (few) dates that I've been on since my divorce have ended between 9:30 and 10:30 with the exception being the guy who wore earplugs to a concert and was sulky when he realized we wouldn't get home until around midnight. (As the initiator of the concert scheme, I was to blame for keeping him up.)

Sean says he likes to stay out late, but his talk is all about going to bed at 11:30 at the latest, so he may have thought that 10 was late enough to have come home from whatever I might be doing. And I assume that if he considered that I might be out, he would have told himself he could at least leave a message on my voice mail.

I really saw the call as a sign that he didn't want to wait until today to apologize/talk. Which doesn't make it okay that he didn't call on Friday or e-mail sooner to apologize. Now *that* was rude. And no, I'm not entirely forgiving it. I just figure maybe he made a mistake because he was feeling sick and I'll wait and see how it goes from here.

Elsa




Edited 1/28/2007 3:19 pm ET by elarisa
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 3:27pm

Ah, ok. If you had already given him permission to call you up until 11 PM, then that's different. I just think it's impolite and intusive to call someone who is not a very close friend or someone you're already in a relationship with after about 9 PM or so, absent express permission from that person to call later.

But if you hadn't given him permission to call you late, IMO an email with an apology, an explanation, and a promise to call you at a decent hour today would have been MUCH more polite and less intrusive.

Sheri

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Registered: 04-09-2008
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 4:07pm

Maybe I'm being cynical, but I think he's full of hot air, and you are so sweet

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 6:10pm

Yes, I agree, 9 PM is the latest I will call anyone unless they've told me it's okay to call later. But I do tell people it's okay to call as late as 11. I told Sean when I first gave him my phone number. I'm happy to talk on the phone until late.

I thought you were bothered because it was Saturday and people assume (or like to pretend) that you are out on Saturday night. If he'd called around 7 I might have been annoyed that he was assuming I had nothing to do that evening. (And I might not have picked up his call.)

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Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 7:17pm

Devorah, I understand what you are saying, and believe me, I don't do "doormat" real well, so it's not going to be an ongoing problem.

The thing is, there was no definite date. We had talked about dinner "maybe Friday or Saturday." To me that said, "we'll go out this weekend." But I can see how he might have remembered/meant it more loosely. He may have remembered "maybe dinner Friday or Saturday."

He apparently forgot that he had told me he would call Thursday night. He remembered only that he'd said he'd call me (no specific date) to decide what we'd do. He talked about how he should have called me on Friday to say he was sick, but he'd just been too sick to think straight etc.

The way I look at it, he didn't stand me up because nothing was definite and when he didn't call on Thursday it sort of freed me to do whatever I wanted. Sure, he was at fault not to call on Thursday, but that's not the same as leaving me waiting for a date that didn't materialize.

Of course he should have e-mailed on Thursday or Friday at the latest. I can forgive his not phoning on Saturday morning because I don't like to make phone calls when I am not feeling well, but again, he could have e-mailed.

But if what he remembered was that we'd not had any definite plans and he forgot he'd said he'd phone, I can see why he wasn't in a big anxiety about contacting me. It's not okay, but I can see how it could happen. I have forgotten to call people that I said I would. And only a few months ago I thought a friend understood that I couldn't do something with her, but I forgot to tell her specifically, so she was counting on me.

He apologized. He does have the excuse of illness and and overwork. I'm willing to give everyone ONE chance.

I am not going to cancel or reschedule Tuesday because that would just be an example of irresponsible, last minute changes of plans. But if he asks me out for next weekend he's going to find (and it'll be no lie) that I am busy -- an event at my son's school on Friday, a group of friends going to see a play on Saturday.

Ideally, this will remind him that I am not always available, and he will encourage him to make plans a little in advance.

We'll see.

Elsa

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Registered: 04-09-2008
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 8:40pm

Hey Elsa,


Hopefully this

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 11:54pm

Thanks.

I plan to eat a good dinner on Tuesday anyway. :)

Elsa

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Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 1:55am
Order lobster .... KIDDING!

Photobucket

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Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 8:06pm

He sent an e-mail this morning saying he was looking forward to dinner tomorrow, which is encouraging.

The funny thing is that if I weren't irritated at the way he didn't call when he should, I might be worrying about whether I should offer to pay for my share of the check (it will be our fourth date, if you count the original "meeting" one). But I think he owes it to me to be extra nice.

:)

I'll let you all know how it goes, but I doubt much will happen unless I decide I just don't like him. If I continue to find him good company, the real question is whether he will ask me out for the weekend. (I can't go out with him this weekend, but it'd still be nice to have him ask.)

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 11:20pm
Cool that he sent you the email about dinner :)