Learning about a person...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Learning about a person...
8
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 12:16pm

Vexer's recent post got me thinking about how much one is supposed to share of themselves. For example, I tend to not be a person who will reveal a lot until I get to know you. Now don't get me wrong, we can talk all day long and it will be fun, but I don't let everyone know all of me until I'm comfortable. Some guys have complained about it, but I still believe that I don't want to divulge all my info to someone I know only a month or so...


So I guess the question is: What is enough? How can another person share enough information so that their date feels they have a good sense of that person but where the person doesn't feel they are baring their souls too quickly?


:o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 12:56pm
I think this is an interesting topic. I also tend to be very private and not share too much until I get to know someone. But for me, sharing little anecdotes about your life is very natural. For example, when I tried a bite of the fishy stuff, I said it tasted TOO fishy to me. Then I went on and talked about how when I was a kid and we went to the Cayman Islands and ALL there was to eat was fish! I was strictly a fried chicken and hamburger girl at the tender age of 9 so we had to work hard to find stuff I would eat. I talked about how we found ONE kind of fish I'd eat so every restaurant we wen to we had to make sure they had that kind of fish! Just a funny little story about me as a kid. He never shared anything even remotely like that. I think you can tell a lot about people from the stories they tell.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 2:10pm

It is a tough balance. It is hard for me to open up with people I don't know well, but at the same time if I don't then people don't get to know me. I think it really has to be a gradual thing - over time you start to reveal more and more a little bit at a time. The question is how quickly that happens.

I really think I am too hard to get to know and so I have been making an effort to be more open - and it is terrifying. I have come to realize that for me it is not just that I am a private person, it is a fear of rejection. I hide who I am because I am terrified that others won't accept me as I am. I realize logically that if someone doesn't accept me as I am then he isn't right for me anyway - but it is still hard to take that risk. I had a guy on eharmony ask me some Qs (at the open ended stage) the other day where my first thought was, if I answer honestly he will reject me so I should just fudge it. And then I thought, I am wasting both of our time if I do that. So I responded openly and honestly. After I sent my answers I felt so vulnerable and insecure, and expected him to close communication - but he didn't, he wrote back that he really liked my answers. It was nice to get some positive reinforcement, that is for sure! The hard thing is that I know it is not always going to work out that way, sometimes people really will reject me for being who I am - and I have to learn to deal with that.

I have to admit I feel vulnerable even admitting all of this here knowing that some of you will probably think I sound pathetic. < Takes deep breath >

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 8:37pm
I don't think you sound pathetic at all. I think its human nature. Some of us just may feel it more than others because of experiences or even shyness. You take a chance and it works out. That's great. Just keep reminding yourself what you said in your post. I say this because I'm the same way. My point is you are human and your not alone. Thank you for posting. It was reassuring to know others feel the same way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 10:46pm
It's not pathetic at all. Very much human nature - we are all afraid in some way of letting our true selves show for fear of rejection. I think we all feel the same way at times (or most of the time!).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 11:46pm

Thanks Eliza & Vexer! :) I have resisted acknowledging my fear of rejection for the longest time and it makes me feel much better to hear that others feel the same way too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 9:14am

I too tend to be reserved until I get to know someone better, and I think that's a very good way to be when it comes to dating. Guys have told me how women they've dated have told them way too much personal stuff on a first date. I would never do that. Imagine spilling your guts on a first date and then the dude ghosts, which happens more often than not. I just don't think it's wise to make yourself that vulnerable right away.

However, the traditional 30-minute coffee date really isn't enough time to get to know much at all about another person, which is why my first meets tend to be longer. Also, my new resolution with OLD is to give people more of a chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 9:45am

Great post cl-bklynchik. I have the same problem too but have also noticed it with guys as well. I still believe I share more about myself -- meaning I share where I'm from initially, why I moved, employment, where I've traveled and general statements about my family. Ironically most of these guys talk about general topics, jobs or their experiences on dating sites; not really about themselves. I believe with online dating and people ghosting, I'm finding that most are not comfortable nor willing to share a lot of personal information.

What is enough for me initially has been: where I'm from, why I moved here, very general statements about my son and/or siblings, family (usually saying, one son who is 11 and 2 brothers and 1 sister); my employment, and places traveled and things I enjoy doing. Of course, I'm not talking about all these things at once but just giving you an idea of what I'm comfortable sharing within the first month. It works for me, but in a few instances have had guys who request more information -- we may not have met yet or request it via email. I'll reply with "sorry, I'm not comfortable discussing my life via email or with a complete stranger".

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 10:21am

I am kind of the opposite - I maybe tell a little too much at first.

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