Legging it

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Legging it
9
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 4:49pm

I read below where one of the members "legged it" out of a date even going to the extremes of having the waitress bring the bill into the restroom after she called on her cell phone. Then she left him high and dry.

That brings up a real good subject. What right do we have to do these things? I realize that the date may have been a liar and a real downer but at the same time he was a human being with feelings. How embarrassed do you think he was when you did this? Even if the other patrons around him didn't know but the waitress did and I am sure she made sure that everyone that worked there did. And I can guarantee they had a good chuckle about it.

Can I relay my own story? I use to post here a few years back and I had met a man on-line who lived in Washington State (I'm in California). We spoke on the phone for a few weeks and really connected so he hopped a plane to visit for the weekend. We met face to face and it was very nice. He was real nice when we got to my house bringing me a lot of little presents and they were significant to conversations we had had. We "sat" around the rest of the evening and talked and woke up the next morning and continued to "sit" around and talk. *wink wink* It was good. It was pleasant and I had no idea what was about to happen. He told me he loved me. Yep.....then he realized he was out of cigarettes and wanted to walk somewhere to get some. I directed him towards the closest market and waited for his return. In less than 15 minutes he returned content with the smokes and for a few minutes we snuggled and watched TV. Then he decided that he wanted to take a walk to the local antique store down the street. He never asked me to go with him. He leaned in for a long kiss...told me he loved me. I told him that I would shower, shampoo and shine by the time he returns for our "hot" date that night. I went into the bathroom and he left. Boy did he leave. In a few minutes I had forgotten something, left the bathroom and headed into the kitchen. The kitchen is where he dropped his bags and they were gone. I checked everywhere. (Even typing this gets me choked up and this was in 2002.) He was gone. GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE. To this day I still don't know how he got from my little California town to the airport and back home again. I have never felt like this my entire life.

So I guess you can say I am an expert at this subject. What I would have expected from him is to be honest with me and I would have been disappointed but I would have driven him the 2 hours back to the airport for an earlier flight. But no....he had to take the coward's way out. I get some pleasure out of knowing it was over 100 degrees that day and if he hitchhiked...well you get the idea.

I am a firm believer in karma and this man in the end will suffer all the punishments he deserves. Trust me I had a few friends and family who would have paid to fly to Seattle and kicked his butt but that would not have changed a single thing.

I still reel from the experience and it has permanently changed the way I date. I am so afraid of feeling that way again.

BTW: He did send an email the next apologizing.....karma.

So if you are in the position of being in a bad date take care of it with all the dignity and integrity that the other person deserves. Make a good choice and protect your karma.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: fluffybuttdiva
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 5:11pm

I think it's incredibly insensitive.

My friend used to date this guy, one day the three of us went out to lunch and he said that he would go out on dates, if the girl wasn't as pretty as he expected or he wasn't feeling it, he would excuse himself, pay the maitre d and leave the girl there by herself.

I told him straight to his face that he was a cad, it's beyond rude to do to someone. It won't kill someone to finish your drink, pay your bill and say you had to go. But sneaking out the side door, and leaving the guy there is just rude in my opinion and is not respectful of someone elses feelings. I don't find it funny at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2005
In reply to: fluffybuttdiva
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 6:40pm

I haven't "legged it" but I do like that expression! I have to admit that I often have a prearranged call from a girlfriend so if a guy is a bad date then I have an excuse to bail.

The one where she left and legged it from the bathroom was excusible because the guy had lied so badly, much older and much heavier than his profile. It would be one thing if a guy used a picture that was a few years old, if he still mostly looks like the picture then it's not like he's a big fat liar or something. But if he's like 10 or 15 years older and 100 pounds heavier he gets no sympathy for me.

If it is just a case of not really liking the guy then it is best to be honest, or at least to not sneak out. Just end things after a drink or lunch and say you have to get going and thank you for the time. If a guy wants to ask you out again right there then probably best to say you'll think about it and then say no on the phone or in email so you don't hurt his feelings right there, I feel bad when they look like a puppy that got kicked.

But if you don't want to go out then don't use the "I am not going to be dating for a while" excuse. It is dumb to lie like that when he is going to see your profile still on the web site!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: fluffybuttdiva
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 7:26pm

Lies or no lies I would never treat someone so poorly.

My ex-husband cheated on me, flaunted his mistress all around town, ran my name through the mud trying to get others to think **I** was at fault for the divorce and I NEVER treated him in a poor manner the entire time, despite being humiliated, hurt and angry, I treated him with respect right up until the end, didn't even fight him in court for anything, I went through a mediator and ended things gracefully.

It's easy to treat someone badly when you have "excuses" to do so (ie. he is a liar, he cheated on me etc.) but I want to know that I am treating people with respect even if they aren't showing me the same courtesy...maybe it's the old karma thing or that I would feel really hurt if someone just left me sitting at a restaurant and had slipped out the side door. Being courteous, paying the bill and saying goodnight wouldn't have taken much effort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
In reply to: fluffybuttdiva
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 9:45pm

Delurking again. Fluffy and Sally, I commend your consideration for other people. That quality seems rare at times. OTOH, there are limits to how much a person has to take. I hate to think of any of you being treated the way dvl was. If her set-up artist (I won't call him a date) were just a fellow who didn't know better, I'd say next time work up the courage to educate the guy about OLD ettiquette (sp? dang, but it's late).

He made sure her pic was accurate, then openly shirked all responsibility for being honest. Nice double standard. He started manipulating her the moment she walked through the door. I've no doubt he's an apalling narcissist. The only thing to hurt is his sense of entitlement. Ten to one he wouldn't have allowed her to finish her drink, walk away, and send a polite "we're not a match" email without telling her off. It wasn't about his weight; it was about his attitude.

If one of the guys posted the same story, I'd back him too. I think dvl's strategy would be a terrible way to treat a normal person. But this one? The only thing she could have done better would be to leave a terse note under his windshield wiper.




Edited 8/30/2005 9:49 pm ET ET by onewildlily
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: fluffybuttdiva
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 7:12am

ya know i started to agree whole heartedly with Sally (and Sally i totally understand what you are saying)...but after reading Onewild's (and not having read the other thread yet)...i get it.

Its not that he was 50 and overweight...it was the clear deception and attitude because he went looking for something that he knew wasnt compatible. This is how this guy gets dates and justifies his attitude about how he feels about himself with a very buttbackwards method as if to not realize he could get someone with unconditional love if he looked for it honestly but why try that because he wants what he is not. You gotta be the right person to meet the right person. he is his own double standard but doesnt want to take responsibility...just by being honest...to get it. How unproductive of him.

He is making this all about finding someone who can look past the deceptions and he has it allll wrong and its backfiring on him but he will always blame people for being shallow. what he needs to do to get this life easier is to open himself to those who are already looking for who he is. He is wasting his time...how sad and i can see why dvl did what she did..because she is only trying to find who she wants...she isnt shallow...if she wanted someone older and didn't care about fitness etc...its still about the deceptive and bad attitude, passive agressive, thing this guy is into. Lemme explain why i say that.

I am overweight...i hid behind my favorite (skinny) picture for a long time but ALWAYS laid out the stats weight and all (wow it was hard but i NEVER lied verbablly) but after a long time ..i saw....it sent a confusing message to those who might even be interested sincerely anyway however. It took a long time...courage...but i finally did it and updated my pictures and get more comments about my verbage being honest and for the most part...because its soo honest...i get more kudos for that than just being semi-pretty (they say i am actually prettier in person and i think that has a lot to do with not being scared to see me because i lay it all out in both verbal and pic and it also helps me with the anxiety..cuz..hey...i laid it out there...they know so if they still want to see me...thats their 'fault" lol...

what i am saying is those that read about me dont have to guess and find great comfort in that and it ATTRACTS more (wow have i wasted time..i never thought it would be BETTER what a dummy i was...) and no one can take that away from me or say I am not at least open and honest lol...it ADDED to me instead of taking away...hope this guy learns.

Dvl isnt jumping up and down in her post..she just admitted it was done out of kneejerk reaction and being totally caught off guard..this guy was smarmy MENTALLY. I know that type...ive dated a few. He is so insecure because when he meets he cant escape the truth and in pre-emptive strike he is nearly mean about it to TRY to make you feel bad about physical attractiveness. Very manipulative and stupid on his part.
Lizzie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
In reply to: fluffybuttdiva
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 8:13am

You don't have to agree with me I'm okay with it, it's what ***I*** would do it's okay that you don't agree *wink*

I've had people show up to dates that don't look anything like their pictures, I was totally deceived and I still didn't shimmy out the back door and leave them sitting there. It's not my style.




Edited 8/31/2005 8:17 am ET ET by sniffle_sally
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
In reply to: fluffybuttdiva
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 1:34pm

Hi fluffy,
Under more normal circumstances I would not have condoned dmc's actions and as I replied to her original post, I think she handled the situation with more class than the clown deserved. He blatantly deceived her AND then tried to make her feel shallow when she commented on it. She certainly was not proud of her actions.
Your story is so very different and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. How awful! That man will get what HE deserves.

Chele

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
In reply to: fluffybuttdiva
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 10:47am

This thread brought back an awful memory. In the pre-OLD days, I did the newspaper personals (no photos) and arranged to meet a guy at a restaurant. I got there first, waited in the lobby, he shows up, we shake hands and he says he'll be right back, he has to park the car. He never came back and I don't think any other dating experience made me feel so low. I waited for awhile; I was young and couldn't process the fact that someone would do that to another person. I realize now that the host figured it out before I did; he kept shooting me sympathetic looks.

So while I do sympathize with the poster who was deceived by the 350 pound guy, but because of my experience, I don't think I could "leg" it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
In reply to: fluffybuttdiva
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 12:26pm

Hey Carrie,
That guy who did that to you was total $HIT! He had his exit strategy in place BEFORE he met you and I'll bet that wasn't the first time he did that. I'll bet HE picked the restaurant...and the host? yeah, I'll bet that wasn't the first time he'd witnessed that scene.
I can completely see how a situation like this (the original post) can bring up painful memories if one was the victim of a similar experience. The twist on this is that I truly believe that SHE was the victim here and in THIS particular case IMO she did the right thing. She tried to make it through a date with a man who completely misrepresented himself but his negative attitude and blatant judgement of her pushed her to some drastic reaction. If he'd been a kind, good natured person, I suspect that she'd have stuck it out.

Chele

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