Lessons Learned

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Lessons Learned
3
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 2:59am
I know everyone of us here have previously met and fell in love (?) with othe guys online before meeting our current online bf.

What are the lessons you've learned from that failed relationship(s) that you can share with us?? Who knows maybe one of us can learn from that.

Great day to everyone.!!

muahhhhh :)

~jen


PS: Gail, woo hoo to u oh i can hear your heartbeat getting faster n faster for Mark's coming.Anya can we have an update from ur online bf? And BTW i received a card (postmail)full of love from my honey today, makes my day...yahoooo.!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 7:36am
What I learned (and what most of my friends/acquaintances have learned) is that online interaction is largely irrelevant to whether you have potential for a romantic relationship with that person, for many reasons including chemistry, body language, tone, manner, presence, personality (can be radically different in real life - mine is, for example), looks (to a lesser extent) and misperceptions/inaccuracies/lying (to a mcuh lesser extent). I also learned that it is not like meeting a stranger in a bar (which I wouldn't do anyway) because with all your senses involved in person, you can tell and perceive and observe much more about the person - and very important things - that you can never know on line, with respect to a romantic relationship. I also learned that there are someo men who prefer on line contact because they like the fantasy aspect of it but cannot interact in a healthy, sensible way in real life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 10:10am
Well, Jen...Ofcourse, I am excited. GIRL! One month and my man will be here. Oh sweet cherry pie!!! What to do? What to wear? What to say? Hope I dont sweat too much when I get nervous. Me and my gf have decided when we pick him up at the airport, we are going to wear overalls and some fake nasty teeth, so he will think we are truly the hicks people think we are here in the south. lol Ok, so yeh....as the weeks go by, the tummy gets one more butterfly! Oh, and for you...and your sweetie. Any closer to a date to meet him??? I will keep you in my prayers for a quick meeting!!

Ok, but to answer your question....what I have learned, most definitely has been quite alot. Since I am divorced, I have learned enough with that alone, but keeping it strictly on line, here is what I know.

***Do not waste time with someone on line or off, that cannot comitt to a date to meet. Now, obviously there are circumstances that cause someone not to be able to meet right away, but if you are someone who needs the in person right away, dont settle for anything less. Meet ASAP! Now, do not mess with men who lie and tell you everything you want to hear, but never give out their number or tell you their last name. Let us be reminded of the red flags of on line men or women. Research, research, research. That is the best advice. lol Now, let me explain a few things here. I myself, was once caught up in the fantasy of the on line and all that junk. I met man only a few states away from me, normal it seemed. Single dad, me being a single mom, had tons in common. Well, it took this man three months to call me on the phone and that was with me begging! Then, he wouldnt give me his number, said he was a private person. I like him so much, and had seen photos, and his son's pic, that I accepted this. I thought we were on a road to meeting soon after the call he had made. The only call he ever made. Then, things got real interesting. He went out of town, and told me where he would be staying and that he would call me and all this. Never called, so the day he was checking out, I just took it upon myself to call and ask if he had checked out or not. I was worried since i had not heard from him. Uh...he lied to me about his name. Then, when I confronted him, on line, not over the phone since i had no number on him, he told me I was prying. LOL Ok, so long story short. I had to make a decision. He was either lying to me the whole time, or I was just living in a fantasy. SO, I ended it. Now, before this winner....lol....there was Rob. LOL Ok, he was married when I was married and we met on line. Talked, got to know each other via email and he did call me. Everyday to tell you the truth. Never saw a pic, and finally ended up leaving my husband(not for him, it was already happening before I met this guy) and thinking in my mind how nice it would be if he left his wife. Since we were both unhappy in our marriages, I assumed it would happen between us. WE set up times to meet and something would always come up with him. So, after a year of this, off and on love interest, he tells me I am his soul mate and he is leaving his wife. yeh...ok. Well, his wife had a baby. Imagine that, and I still thought...he might leave her. (stupid me) Finally, with his attempts to convince me to wait for him, I told him it was over. To stay with his wife and to forget me all together. For one, I grew up in that year I left my husband and the year I was so called, "waiting" for Rob. So, he was hurt and upset. Oh, and he did send me a pic finally, and it was right before I told him it was over. Bad timing? lol Well, ended it for the best interest of his family, since he was not man enough to make the decision for hiself. Besides, I figured out what I want in a man and it was not a cheater. Im not saying I am any better for making plans with a married man, but at least I got smart and ended it before we met and got into real trouble. Ya know?

So, bottom line. Know what you want before messing with on line love! Because if you are unsure of yourself, it is easy for people to lie to you and make you compromise your morals and beliefs! Have the confidence to say no to someone, when you know it is not right, and just be very careful. Check someone out well before you jump into things. Be careful with your heart.

Now, the difference with Mark is this. (sorry this is so long) I met Mark in Feb. this year. We talked over the phone immediately and we were like two open books with each other. Mark knows all and I know all about him. We laid it all out in the first few conversations about all our past. So, we both decided our pasts werent so bad and we connected in ways I cannot describe to you here. It is very cosmic to me. Not at all fantasy. Just in my heart, in a very logical way I know. It is all about the honesty Mark shows to me, and the love I can feel from him. No one has ever opened their life to me so much and done more for me that far away. He has sent my gifts via mail, and calls me everyday to tell me how much he loves me and wants to be here. He makes a point to let me know that I am loved and I am special. He goes out of his way for me. I have spoken to his good friends, room mates, family and all say the same things about him that he has told me. Mark is true to his word. He really is. That man has not once lied to me about anything he has told me. When he says he will do something, well...by golly he does it. That means alot to me in my life. So, the difference in the pudding. lol There you go! Good questions once again Jen! You might need to take my place as co-host here, you are doing so well!!! Good for you!!!!! I will certainly keep you in mind when I get ready to step down. giggles

Gail :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: jen_nv16
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 2:23am
Here are my few online gaga:

I met this asian man at mirc, the 1st guy I have talked for quite a while, thinking tht he is the “one”, I let myself or forcefully let myself to fall for him, talked for him for months , we have some similar likes and thought that’s the only thing tht should be considered. Then red flags started to come in when he sensed that I’m already getting serious over him, he never gave me his contact no. but I gave him mine w/o him asking (hehehe) , but he never called even once hahahaha…and when I said we should meet or he must come to visit me…oh boy, ya know what he said? Said that maybe our embassy will not give him a visa blah blah blah ….already surrendered w/o even trying. So tht knocked my head and felt he also told me so many lies too, talked to him one nite (actually its new years eve 2001) and I said its finally over, oouuchhh!.

Geeezzz im glad I woke up fr tht nightmare…lol.. wat I learned fr tht is don’t force urself to be in love to a person so quickly, giving too much of your love but it was never returned back at ya is always hurting especially if u know u give it all to make it work. Ive learned also that ask, ask and ask many questions about himself even if u repeat urself at times to see if has the same answer. And be sure of what he wants in your relationship, only to be as friends or something more than that? Stupid jen (me of course) didn��t know this guy only wants to be her friend, she only knew in the end. hahahahaha.!!!!

Met other guy near my place, we only talked once on chat, I gave my no. right away, he called me everyday and so we agreed to meet after a month, he liked me instantly I can tell that but I don’t like him (hehehe) and its gud I have not given him my address so he has no way to track me home.. Lesson here is don’t give address or other info if u don’t feel u like him or if ur afraid of him when u meet in person. :p

Ive also wasted my time n my emotions with this other guy, committing the same mistakes. I will not tell the story anymore, too long. Just that I learned that don’t invest all ur emotions, time and love toooooo muuuuchhhhh unless u know he is worth of it in the 1st place to save u from future heartache again.

And after all those heartbreaking experiences, it took me a while to search again for my love online, then there came this new guy from Michigan, a lot lot lot different, we met January, after a week of talking to each day, he nicely asks for my no., and soon he called me everyday, we exchange gifts n cards too, things seemed finally falling in its place, happy to have met him, wre still together up to now. He knows wat he wants from our relationship and ive never been happier in my life. And hopefully soon (no date yet) we will finally be together, awww.

But u know what, all those experiences will make us wiser (hopefully) and more focused to what we really want when we venture again into the so-called online relationship.

Have a nice day everyone.!! Can we hear from others? And thanks Gail *wink*. Marie can we hear ur lessons learned?

~~~jen