On-line Dating and Time Consumption

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
On-line Dating and Time Consumption
8
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 10:54am
I feel kind of strange asking these questions, but I'm wondering how time consuming old seems to other people. Sometimes I've been open-minded about the guys who contacted me and it seemed like a part-time job. It's also a little over-whelming when first getting on a site. How do you prioritize your initial contacts? I'd hate to ignore a guy I might be interested in, but I want to go with those I find most favorable first. Maybe none of this will be an issue this time, some of my pictures are kind of plain, more "real". Then, of course, there's "the slump" after the first little bit. I tend to feel that if none of the guys who were first interested worked-out, what are the odds that later ones will? Also, how much does anyone let their emotions go? It's so hard to gauge a guy's sincerity and I don't want to be "in love" with a stranger. On the other hand, I don't want to be so unemotional that it runs them all off. Still, it seems that a lot of guys date just to see what they can get and I don't want to encourage that. I guess time tells them apart. I'm having some mis-givings about starting dating again, but I would like to make at least a good friend or two, hopefully something more, but definitely friendship material. Hope I don't sound too neurotic. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 11:47am
It is time consuming but go at your own pace. If you feel like a date with Bachelor No. 1 on Saturday then go. If you feel like a date with Bachelor 2 on Wed then go.
 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 12:13pm

Time, you can put as much or as little time into it as you want. It depends to some extent on how selective you are in who you correspond with and meet. If you decide to cast a broad net it can be very time consuming and you have to decide if it is worth the time investment. If you are on the fence about dating you might want to start out being more selective, sort of a dip your toes in first approach. I've tried both approaches and I think that being more selective works better for me at this point in my life but to each his/her own.

Emotional involvement, I don't get truly emotionally involved with anyone before we meet and even the first few dates it tends to be pretty superficial getting to know you stuff and just the beginnings of the tinglies (or not, in some cases :).

If you only want to make friends then you might want to use non-OLD sites - pet peeve of mine, people on those sites who are just there to make friends or hook up. Whatever you do just be upfront about what you are looking for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 1:00pm

OLD has it's moments. Time-consuming became a problem when I had "meet and greets" go for 4+ hours and then the guy never calls or ghosts afterwards. I understand some people may enjoy your company and/or really want to be on a date; but I don't want to spend so many hours with a person who has no intention of further contact. Since I've been doing OLD on and off for 2 years; I stick by my 1-hour meet and greet rule. I usually will state I have some other plans or babysitting issue that I'm only available for about an hour. Most guys have been receptive cause I believe noone wants to spend so much time with a person you are really not vibing with.

I think the best thing you can do is just be upfront about your intentions and based upon the experiences you experience with OLD; just learn from it and move on. Also when it gets overwhelming or frustrating take breaks. You may meet all types of people and over time you will be able to weed out all the BS. Also, keep expectations very low! It's cool that you are comfortable even making a new friend; and with that perspective it should make the process a lil less overwhelming.

Have fun and good luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 12:22pm
Thanks for the responses. They were helpful. I have more questions, if no one minds. Probably the most difficult one is that red flags will go up but I haven't followed my gut instincts in the past. I think I'm getting better now. The other thing is, how much does one say on a first meet? I've been on them before and all but one wanted to see me again. However, I've had an unusual life and am only partially on my feet now. I know how to be a good friend to people but usually end-up on the short end of the stick, so to speak. I've decided I won't date anyone who puts me down for my situation and most seem very understanding. I also know not to say too much initially. However, it's hard to know what to say because it reflects on my life now. Basically, I grew-up very isolated and abused and was married to a man for nine years who did the same. I'm a lot more stable than I have been and feel I am again ready to see what the world holds, but need to take it slow. Thanks in advance for any advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 12:56pm

If you can try to keep it to an hour the first meet. I don't always follow this. I had a blind date thru a friend, our fist date lasted 8 hours and we went out three times and each date lasted just as long (even waited to kiss until our third date, I had to stop the kisses not the other way around) only to never hear from the guy again???

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 1:10pm
I wouldn't go into any of that stuff on a first meet. The first meet is just about seeing if there is a possibility of attraction and getting to know each other on a pretty basic level, not about that deep sort of stuff. That stuff comes later. On a first meet I would mention that you were married before but leave the details for later. How much later depends on your comfort level and will probably vary depending on the guy. I know that I am more open with some people than others. Listen to your gut on this and don't push yourself to reveal more than you are comfortable with. Good luck and I think it's great that you are working through your issues, not an easy thing to do!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 1:41pm

Just curious............

Now if you can spend 8 hours on 3 individual dates; but STOP the kisses on the third; do you think possibly the guy felt that you were playing games or not interested in him? And if you spent all that much time with him on 3 individual dates, why did you STOP the kissing?

Men, sometimes call this game-playing. If you are comfortable spending all these hours with a guy but then when he makes a gesture toward you and you STOP -- well why spend that much time??

I'm confused by this cause I know that you are just getting to know him which means taking your time; but why are you spending 8 hours on individual dates??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 2:06pm