A little nervous about the first reunion

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
A little nervous about the first reunion
24
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 5:54pm

I have been emailing to a guy from Canada. I live in another country. This guy is married, have one small daughter. He and I have exchanged email messages for more than 1 yr, I think, but only email messages we have exchanged, we have never chatted simulteneously or even talking on the phone, nothing, just email exchange. In his emails he always tells me about his job, his family, the trips to other places he has made with his family, etc I also email him telling similar things about job, etc only with the difference Im single, no married, no kids. We both are in our 30´s I guess he has found me a very nice, outgoing lady, etc. Last year he emailed me telling me that one of this year´s plan was to go in a cruise to the Caribbean (which he already did with his family) and also another plan was to travel to my country, I dont have anything to do with it, because in general he has heard nice things about my country, touristicly speaking. So he will be traveling to my country next week. Taking advntange of that, when he told me his plan was to visit my country, more than 2 months ago, he told me he would like to meet me for the first time. Well now the time has come and next week he will be coming to my country. But since he told me he was going to come to my country, he told me his brother will also come along, but just the two of them, his wife is not coming in this trip with him, unlike other trips where he and his family have travelled together. His wife has like 5 months pregnant, so for that she is not coming, I hope that is the main reason and not another one. The past weeks we have been exchaning messages speaking about this trip to my country. He wants to meet me so he had set a date for us to meet. Next Sunday 27th, before that, I mean days before that day eventhough he will be in my country, he will taking some sightseeing tours and the only day he could meet me is on Sunday 27th after 4pm. He asked me my phone number so he can call me from his hotel on Sunday. During this emails we have been exchaning the past weeks, he made me think he want me to meet me by himself, I mean he wont take his brother to the meeting or dont plant to ask his brother also to meet me. At first, I thought that was strange, because he is taking this trip with his brother why dont he ask him to join us as well, why will he and I be only by ourselves. Perhaps his brother does not want or does not plan to be a third wheel. But I told this email friend to ask his brother also. I mean he is a married guy, we are going to go to a food court mall to eat, nothing wrong with that, just a reunion to meet us for the first time, but why he wants to be alone with me, that is why I told him to invite his brother as well, he is taking the trip with him also. He told me he will ask his brother if he wants to go with him to the reunion, but the last word will come from the brother if he wants to go or not, is up to him.

This friend also asked me if he picks me up at my house, I mean he does not have a car because by the time we will go to the mall, he already returned the car to the rental place, because that same day, it expired the time of having the rental car, he will come by taxi and pick me up to go to the food court mall.

I have told my parents about this situation, and they told me that it is better the guy will come to my house so they can know who he is, instead of me meeting him right at the mall. I sent him a last email to the guy before he departs from Canada to Costa Rica in the next 2 days, and told him what he will think about that, I just have to wait for his reply.

Would it be better my parent´s idea, to meet him and/or his brother in my house?

Also Im a little bit nervous about this encounter, I have never met in person a person I only have met thru the internet, this will be my first time and with a guy is not even with a girl, which I would have felt more comfortable I guess.

Any ideas in to calm a little bit and that the gathering will turn out smoothly?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 6:38pm

Good afternoon, starlettos. You sound very sensible, and I just wanted to point out a few safety measures.

I strongly suggest that you bring along a girlfriend, at the very least, to your face to face.

I'm glad your parents will meet him. However, if he pulls up in taxi and says, "hop in the meter's running", make sure you take charge and tell him to let that taxi go and you can call another later on. You are the host and call the shots.

I probably don't need to say this, but that never seems to stop me, so I'll say it anyway: whatever happens, please keep in mind that he has a woman back home bearing his children and waiting for his return.

Good luck, and thanks for asking!

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 11:28pm

Hi! Im not remotely romantically interested in him in any way, we have never met each other in person so it is impossible for me to have feelings for him other than a simple email pal. So his wife and family is safe, believe me, Im not interested in him, as I said we have never meet each other until now.

You said that I should bring a girlfriend to the meeting, well the problem is that I dont have girlfriends or friends of any kind, so Im on my own here. For the same reason is why I suggested him to bring along his brother, but I guess he never asked his brother to join us or never thought to even ask him or perhaps he did ask him but his brother thought he was going to be a third wheel so he does not want to bother or simply he does not want to come, I dont know the real reason though, Im just assuming several possibilities. He told me he would ask his brother, but if his brother does not want to come, I cannot do anything about that, it is up to him to decide not me, I just suggested the idea, but his brother is the one who decides. I hope he decides yes.

Will it be too discriminating to ask him how he will look like or how he will be wearing? I mean, Im afraid he will be a sloppy guy, with his messy hair, jungle type look that smells. I mean I would like him to be presentable at least, becuse I have never seen a picture of him before. I dont know if I have time alrady to email him again and wait for his reply because I believe he will leaving from Canada this coming Sunday.
But how can I ask him about his looks without sounding so discrimatory?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 11:29pm

>>unlike other trips where he and his family have travelled together. His wife has like 5 months pregnant, so for that she is not coming, I hope that is the main reason and not another one.

As Dear Abby (or is it Anne Landers) would say in her advice column.

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE.

What exactly do you think he's coming over there without his wife for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 9:38am

Okay, I'm getting a better picture of the situation. Or maybe after a good night's sleep and 3 cups of coffee I'm finally thinking straight.

My advice? Do not meet this person at all.

Just because he said he would be with his "brother" doesn't mean it's true! And why would that be a safe thing anyway?

If you decide not to meet with him: If I recall your original post, he has been nice enough to carve out a little time in his busy schedule to fit in a meeting with you (Canadian sarcasm). Okay, when he calls you, just don't be available. Then he can go back home to his alleged pregnant wife.

If you are determined to meet him: It would be much safer for you if you met him in a public place (you mentioned the mall?). Don't let him pick you up at your place.

To answer your question about his appearance: when you say "discrimatory" I think you might mean "insulting"? It could be, depending on how you approach the subject. If you don't know what a person looks like it's perfectly acceptable to ask for a photo. Not that a photo will tell you what he will be wearing at the meeting, but you'll get some idea of his appearance. On the other hand, many people have been fooled by photos and have met with people who looked totally different. So I guess my answer is: you can't know until you see him.

Please take care of yourself and let us know how things turned out.

Good luck!
amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 10:10am

"You said that I should bring a girlfriend to the meeting, well the problem is that I dont have girlfriends or friends of any kind, so Im on my own here. "


Starletto, this might explain why you've spent a year communicating with a man who lives in a different country and who has already admitted that he is extremely married.

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 1:37pm

What is so wrong of meeting for the first time an email pal that does not even live in my country? or what is so wrong to have email pals female or male? Is this a sin? Many people have email friends on the net, they met each other, and the become friends. Is not my case though, but I even have a friend who found her current husband on the internet.

My case is completely different and harmless I presume, just meeting a guy I have been exchaning email messages for some time, and he wants to meet me for the firs time, then he goes back to his country after he finishes his vacations. Like you said I dont know until I meet him, right?

He wont have a car that particular day he will meet me, he will transport by taxi, because he had to return the car on Saturday to the rental agency and I will meet him on Sunday. If he comes to my house it will be by taxi, and my parents would do like to see who he is before I go to the mall with him, that is why he will come to my house instead of me meeting him at the mall, so he will come to my house and from my house we go by taxi as well, to the mall, a very public place, I suggested that place.

Again let me clarify for those wondering why his wife is not coming, HIS WIFE WONT COME WITH HIM BECAUSE SHE IS 6 MONTHS PREGNANT SHE CANNOT TRAVEL!!!!!!!!!! and also she has another daughter at home to take care of. I guess she and him get along well in the marriage, because she allows him to take this trip on his own, because other ladies in other positions perhaps wont allow their husbands to travel on their own, but I guess couple relationships are different for everyone. Im just saying.

Also he is not taking this trip because of me, understand this. Even before we met online, he has this trip planned, coincidently I happen to live in that same country he picked months ago for his vacation. He is going back to Canada Monday 28th, because his vacations already ended at that time.

I insisted him to bring his brother to the mall as well, so far he has not told me anything, he has to ask his brother and as I said, his brother is the one who decides if he likes to come or not, I cannot decide for his brother, I dont know the brother, just my email pal.

I said I was nervous because for me it will be the first time I met a guy I have met before online, If I was used to that I guess I wont be a little nervous, but Im not use to this until now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 4:51pm
Hmmm, remind me what you posted for in the first place?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 7:29pm

Hi Star,

1. What IS it you hope to come out of this meeting? And why be nervous, when it is clear that there can be Nothing lasting between you two.

2. DOES his wife know he is coming to another country, to meet an unmarried woman? Whether that is his main reason for travel or not, she should be informed.

3.This just sounds wayyyy too 'tuna' to me--So Fishy! NEVER get into a car or go somewhere remote to meet with someone you do not Know. I Know your Mama taught you this, please take her advice!

4. You are spending a lot of time on a man that cannot be a relationship for you. You say you have no friends? He cannot be That either, since he lives far away. Many of the dating sites have a "friends" area and I have met 2 or 3 nice ladies in my area, to have a glass of wine with, and chat once a month. What about work friends?

Maybe we have all gotten the wrong impression here, but this is a Sharp group, so I doubt that. We all see a common thread: Not A Good Idea...Ding Next!!

However,yours to decide, but please the advice of those here, they are Truly right!

truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 11:09pm

1. Im nervous because Im a nervous, shy person, I was born like that. And also because is a first time I will meet a guy I met online first. Would you not feel nervous about a first encounter, even if it is a blind date for instance?

2. How can his wife does not know about his trip? It is his vacations abroad, how can she not know he is going out of the country? I did not know that when the spouse goes to a trip, the wife or husband simply doesnt know, they live together righ they speak to each other, they are a couple living in the same house. It is obvious the partner know things like this. Of course she knows. I again tell you, he is taking vacations from his job!!!! and he had already planned to come to this country even before we met online!!

3. So you would prefer me to meet him right at the mall and my parents never know who he is??? He is coming by taxi not his own car, I said.

4. Im not persuing any love relationship with this guy, I did not know that meeting guys on the internet were only for love and date and not friendship. People meet friends online, not necessary forlove. Internet is not only to look for love, that is not my intention, my intention is just friendship, have email friends, that is it, I dont pursue love on the internet. Work friends, Im currently unemployed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2005
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 11:29pm

Hi :)

1) I understand that your intentions with this man are purely friendly.

2) Does his wife know he is meeting you? Obviously, she knows about the trip, but if a man has been chatting with another woman and plans to meet, for over a year, and does not tell his wife, that would say something to me about his intentions and character. It seems rather duplicitous to me, and something that could hurt you in the long run.

3) Online dating = meeting= public place. Please, for your own safety

4) Nothing wrong with having online friends- I have a few myself- it's always nice to have a few girlfriends you can have fun with in person, though...

5) May I just ask, why you are friends with this person? Do you have things in common? If there is no physical or emotional attraction, what is the friendship attraction?

Good luck with whatever you decide. Be safe!

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