A little nervous about the first reunion

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
A little nervous about the first reunion
24
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 5:54pm

I have been emailing to a guy from Canada. I live in another country. This guy is married, have one small daughter. He and I have exchanged email messages for more than 1 yr, I think, but only email messages we have exchanged, we have never chatted simulteneously or even talking on the phone, nothing, just email exchange. In his emails he always tells me about his job, his family, the trips to other places he has made with his family, etc I also email him telling similar things about job, etc only with the difference Im single, no married, no kids. We both are in our 30´s I guess he has found me a very nice, outgoing lady, etc. Last year he emailed me telling me that one of this year´s plan was to go in a cruise to the Caribbean (which he already did with his family) and also another plan was to travel to my country, I dont have anything to do with it, because in general he has heard nice things about my country, touristicly speaking. So he will be traveling to my country next week. Taking advntange of that, when he told me his plan was to visit my country, more than 2 months ago, he told me he would like to meet me for the first time. Well now the time has come and next week he will be coming to my country. But since he told me he was going to come to my country, he told me his brother will also come along, but just the two of them, his wife is not coming in this trip with him, unlike other trips where he and his family have travelled together. His wife has like 5 months pregnant, so for that she is not coming, I hope that is the main reason and not another one. The past weeks we have been exchaning messages speaking about this trip to my country. He wants to meet me so he had set a date for us to meet. Next Sunday 27th, before that, I mean days before that day eventhough he will be in my country, he will taking some sightseeing tours and the only day he could meet me is on Sunday 27th after 4pm. He asked me my phone number so he can call me from his hotel on Sunday. During this emails we have been exchaning the past weeks, he made me think he want me to meet me by himself, I mean he wont take his brother to the meeting or dont plant to ask his brother also to meet me. At first, I thought that was strange, because he is taking this trip with his brother why dont he ask him to join us as well, why will he and I be only by ourselves. Perhaps his brother does not want or does not plan to be a third wheel. But I told this email friend to ask his brother also. I mean he is a married guy, we are going to go to a food court mall to eat, nothing wrong with that, just a reunion to meet us for the first time, but why he wants to be alone with me, that is why I told him to invite his brother as well, he is taking the trip with him also. He told me he will ask his brother if he wants to go with him to the reunion, but the last word will come from the brother if he wants to go or not, is up to him.

This friend also asked me if he picks me up at my house, I mean he does not have a car because by the time we will go to the mall, he already returned the car to the rental place, because that same day, it expired the time of having the rental car, he will come by taxi and pick me up to go to the food court mall.

I have told my parents about this situation, and they told me that it is better the guy will come to my house so they can know who he is, instead of me meeting him right at the mall. I sent him a last email to the guy before he departs from Canada to Costa Rica in the next 2 days, and told him what he will think about that, I just have to wait for his reply.

Would it be better my parent´s idea, to meet him and/or his brother in my house?

Also Im a little bit nervous about this encounter, I have never met in person a person I only have met thru the internet, this will be my first time and with a guy is not even with a girl, which I would have felt more comfortable I guess.

Any ideas in to calm a little bit and that the gathering will turn out smoothly?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 9:10pm
If you're going to meet him, yes, start at your parents' house.

Stephanie, CL of the Dating as a Single Parent board: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-p

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 9:19pm

>>What is so wrong of meeting for the first time an email pal that does not even live in my country? or what is so wrong to have email pals female or male? Is this a sin?<<

I do not believe you. I do not believe that you think this is a totally honest, innocent, friendship-only type of meeting.

I think that you KNOW that this meeting has romantic overtones. I think you KNOW that this guy might very well be looking for a little foreign girlfriend that he can fool around with while his pregnant wife stays at home.

You know why I think this?

Because you are extremely defensive... and because you posted your question on a forum dedicated to online DATING.

Not "online friendship making" or "dealing with your email/pen pals". This is a web site for people who are DATING.

Please stop trying to put us on. You either know, or you darned well ought to know, that this meeting has different overtones than merely friendship. The way you talk about this guy isn't "just a friend" in manner. The whole set of circumstances has almost everyone who's posted thinking something sounds fishy.

Has this guy given you his home number? Have you ever talked with his wife? If not, try this- ask him to give it to you so your PARENTS can talk to his wife, or so your friends can do so.

If it's truly "just friendship" then he shouldn't have any problem with it, because everyone's going to be friends. If he hesitates, you have your answer.

But to be honest, I think you already know all this and are just trying to fool us and yourself with this whole "it's just friends" thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 9:22pm

Well said, NGOL.

:)
amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 9:58pm

Well if you dont believe me that is your problem but Im telling the truth, he in no way has romantic overtones with me. In any way he has come on to me, or even has the slight interest in me other than a friend. I know this meeting has friendship meeting, I know that. I know it is not a romantic meeting, is a meeting when we first meet after only exchaning email messages.

I think I posted indeed on the wrong board I thought at the beginning this was a board related to all online issues related to friendship. I did not know the main purpose of this board had romantic overtones, I thought it involves many thing, friendship, dating, etc perhaps I did made a mistake by posting on this wrong board, I post it because I could not find any other board related to internet friendship and I thought this one was the right one.

"Has this guy given you his home number? Have you ever talked with his wife? If not, try this- ask him to give it to you so your PARENTS can talk to his wife, or so your friends can do so".

No he never has given me his phone number and I have never given him mine, in all this time we have exchanged email messages we have never spoken on the phone. Our communication is only by email as I said.

You said that I should ask him for his phone number and my parents could speak to his wife, that will be the most embarrasing thing to do, Put yourself in my shoes, would you like your parents to call the wife of a friend of yours just to check if it is ok, he will have coffee with the friend? That is so embarrasing!!! Im not in my 20´s, Im not a minor.
As I again says we have never asked each other for our phone numbers, I gave him my phone number until now when he asked me in order to call me to set up the gathering at the mall, that is the first time I give him my number. He has told hiw wife about me, he has told her he has a email friend, I guess she doe s not have aproblem, I mean, I dont know what kind of relationship this guy has with his wife, that is their problem not mine, I dont get involved in their relationship, I mean he and I only exchange email messages that is it, that is the only thing we have exchanged so far.

Well this guy left his country yesterday, so he is no longer in his country, I guess he and his brother already are here in my country.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 10:12pm

star, I think the thing here is that in America, we are much more cynical about this kind of thing. There are very bad people online that try to take advantage of naive, trusting people. We all think it is much safer to meet a complete stranger in a public place not at your home. You live with your parents so at least you do not live alone but you know nothing about this guy other than what he has decided to LET you know. He could be a great person, but he could be one of those that we hear about that uses his power and anonymity to take advantage of people.

I think the fact that he doesn't want to bring his brother is suspicious. The fact that he wants to come to your home is also strange. You obviously have ideas of only friendship and he claims to also, but in this world we live in, it is so much better to be safe than sorry. Yes, there is a 99% chance that this guy will not come to your home and kill your family or rob you or do anything to hurt you. But that small chance of something bad happening is what people out here are trying to help you avoid. By meeting him in a public place, your identity and residence remain protected. If your parents would like to meet him to make sure he is OK, how about bringing them to the mall where you were planning to meet him? They can meet him to make sure he is OK then they can go have coffee or a snack or walk around the mall while you two talk on your own. Then they can drive you home. I think this might be a good compromise for everyone and you stay safe.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 12:29am
Good luck, and be sure to let us know how it turns out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:25am

that is why I told him to meet us at a mall, in a food court, it is a public place indeed. But my mom is the one insisting on meeting him first to see how does he look like, that is why my parents does nto want me to go by myself at the mall, if they cannot see how he looks like first. That is why my mom prefer him to come to our house, introduce himself,and just minutes after we go to the mall by taking a cab. The only thing I could do to protect my home as you say is to lie to my mom and tell her that the guy cannot come to my house and fromt he house we go to the mall, that it is easier for him to meet me at the mall instead.

My parents cannot go with me tot he mall, that particular day they had a dinner already planned, at a friend's house, so they cannot go with me at the mall, they just have time to say good bye to me, see the guy when he comes to the house and then my parents leave to the dinner.

Yes I do believe that in USA people are more cynical about that but where I live, bad things like that never has happened before. I mean that when a person meet for the first time live a person they met online, they dissapear, kidnapped, killed or something like that, here where I live cases like that has never happened before, I live in a small country, so situations like that has never happened before. I just know people have to be careful when meeting a person for the first time. I also have told him to bring his brother also but he has told me that his brother is the one making the decision whether he wants to come or not, he cannot force him to come if he does not want to. He will suggest him that, but is up to his brother to come or not.

You are exagerating way too much in saying that this guy wont come to my house and kill my family or rob us! Why you have to think always in bad things, be positive!! Not everything in this world is bad, I know there are bad things in this world, but there are also positive things as well.

I know I have to be careful, but I guess we are just going to talk about his vacations here in the country, how is his life in Canada, to tell me about his wife and family,etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:31am
Since you are clearly not interested in the advice you asked for on an advice board, do what you think is best. Perhaps we're not cynical. Perhaps instead you are incredibly naive.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:37am

You've received a number of different opinions and now rather than debate, it's time to consider the feedback and make your own decision.

Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 10:01am

Look, hon - I am on your side! I dic not attack you or your ideas and I was trying to offer you some positive ideas and reinforcement about this situation. I am saying that yes, chances are he is not going to harm you or your family. But while you are from your small country where nothing bad happens, he is from America (or Canada as the case may be) where these things DO happen. This has nothing to do with being positive or negative. It has to do with YOUR safety and being realistic in that you never know what can happen. He is a stranger even though you have been talking online for a year. There are cases every day here about people getting killed, robbed or otherwise taken advantage of by people they have met online. We are trying to educate you because we see this happen. Just because it doesn't happen in your country doesn't mean there won't be a first time. I think your culture is very different from ours but this guy is from our culture, not yours.

You came out here for advice and we have done our best to give you some but you shoot all of us down and make excuses for everything we say and get rude when all we have been trying to do is offer help. I tried to be nice and defend you when others were being a little more blunt. But I see that perhaps they were right. Take the advice here and decide what you'd like to do. Good luck.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo