The "LJBF" speech...
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| Sat, 03-19-2005 - 11:48am |
I just couldn't do it last night. I had posted in another thread about deciding that I'm simply not attracted to this guy I've gone out with 4 times now, although I do like him as a person, enjoy his company and would be happy to go out as friends from time to time. But I couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth last night. I was very non-committal when he said something about how busy I am and it would be nice to spend more time together, and when he took my arm a couple times, I kind of pulled away (not in an obvious way but I'm sure my body language was clear). I'm feeling a bit like, gosh, I haven't seen him for weeks, can't he take a hint? But I know that's unfair, I need to say something. We basically went dutch last night btw...he bought dinner, and I treated him to a Sonics game.
So, especially for the guys on the board, how would you prefer to get the speech? I know *I* would prefer to get that in an email, because that way I wouldn't have to deal with it face to face (e.g., pretend I wasn't upset even if I was). On the phone seems awkward...and I don't plan to see him before I leave for Vietnam and I don't want to leave him hanging from now until we see each other again (which would be mid-late April).
Ugh. I hate this part of dating.
Edited to add: for those who don't know the acronym, LJBF stands for "let's just be friends".
Sheri
Edited 3/19/2005 12:51 pm ET ET by northwestwanderer

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Sheri, my comments are based on two factors: that you have some dating history (4 times) and it appears he really likes you and wants to progress.
I think you are obligated to call him and just tell him that aren't interested in seeing him anymore (in the nice chick-kinda-way). Sure, it's awkward and uncomfortable but I think (and don't you, too?), think he deserves more just than a SeeYah Email? And I mean phone; not in person.
I'd skip the LJBF/Buddies speech. I doubt he's interested in hanging out at baby showers and shopping sprees.
Well, I actually DO want to see him again, just not in a romantic capacity. But that, of course, is up to him.
And if we did stay friends, we'd be going to basketball and baseball games, out to hear music, movies, things like that, not typical "chick" stuff. Does that make a difference ;-)?
And no, personally, after only 4 dates, I would STRONGLY prefer getting an email to having an awkward phone conversation! That way, I can respond or not respond as I feel is best, and not be put on the spot. I would feel differently if it was someone I'd been dating for a couple months, however.
Sheri
Hi NWW-
Just MHO, but usually the dumped party still cares for the dumper and "LJBF" usually turns into the dumped one trying to convince the
Hi Sheri,
Do what is best for Him, not you. If it is obvious that you think it would be kinda brutal to tell him in a call, then email him--but I would prefer a call. Neither are easy, but they are neccessary, right now.
I don't think I would go into a lot of "why you are not the one" talk. DO point out his positive qualities and then say you would like to remain friends, but that choice is up to him. He might retreat, then come back after he soothes his hurt 'feelers', let him.
Here is what I said: "You are a kind, caring man, but I do not feel that we are headed for the same goals. It is clear to me that you want a physical relationship,which you Deserve with the woman in your life. I do not see that happening between us. I would like to continue our friendship, as long as you understand my feelings, but that, too, is your choice. "
He said that he was shocked I felt that way (no idea why, I had done as you did and shied away from physical contact), but he understood. He disappeared for a while, but now we im. Never did want to get together again, but I understand--why spin your wheels, when you want to cover some ground?
Just mho. :)
Truly,
Cupcake
Thanks for the thoughts and feedback. I haven't decided what to do yet, but I do appreciate the various viewpoints!
Sparkle, do you really consider it to be a "dumping" situation after only 4 dates (if it matters, there hasn't been any kissing or even any hand holding)? I really wouldn't consider him to be an "ex" at this point. I've actually become good friends with two guys where I wanted "more" but it became clear that wasn't going to happen after a handful of dates (2-4). After the initial slight ego sting, I was fine with being platonic friends with both guys, because I just *liked* them so much as people. And there's no question of hanging on to the hope of "more" as one is now married--I went to their wedding and am friends with his wife as well--and the other lives with his gf.
Sheri
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