The "LJBF" speech...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
The "LJBF" speech...
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Sat, 03-19-2005 - 11:48am

I just couldn't do it last night. I had posted in another thread about deciding that I'm simply not attracted to this guy I've gone out with 4 times now, although I do like him as a person, enjoy his company and would be happy to go out as friends from time to time. But I couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth last night. I was very non-committal when he said something about how busy I am and it would be nice to spend more time together, and when he took my arm a couple times, I kind of pulled away (not in an obvious way but I'm sure my body language was clear). I'm feeling a bit like, gosh, I haven't seen him for weeks, can't he take a hint? But I know that's unfair, I need to say something. We basically went dutch last night btw...he bought dinner, and I treated him to a Sonics game.

So, especially for the guys on the board, how would you prefer to get the speech? I know *I* would prefer to get that in an email, because that way I wouldn't have to deal with it face to face (e.g., pretend I wasn't upset even if I was). On the phone seems awkward...and I don't plan to see him before I leave for Vietnam and I don't want to leave him hanging from now until we see each other again (which would be mid-late April).

Ugh. I hate this part of dating.

Edited to add: for those who don't know the acronym, LJBF stands for "let's just be friends".

Sheri




Edited 3/19/2005 12:51 pm ET ET by northwestwanderer

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 12:17pm

Sheri, my comments are based on two factors: that you have some dating history (4 times) and it appears he really likes you and wants to progress.

I think you are obligated to call him and just tell him that aren't interested in seeing him anymore (in the nice chick-kinda-way). Sure, it's awkward and uncomfortable but I think (and don't you, too?), think he deserves more just than a SeeYah Email? And I mean phone; not in person.

I'd skip the LJBF/Buddies speech. I doubt he's interested in hanging out at baby showers and shopping sprees.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 12:30pm

Well, I actually DO want to see him again, just not in a romantic capacity. But that, of course, is up to him.

And if we did stay friends, we'd be going to basketball and baseball games, out to hear music, movies, things like that, not typical "chick" stuff. Does that make a difference ;-)?

And no, personally, after only 4 dates, I would STRONGLY prefer getting an email to having an awkward phone conversation! That way, I can respond or not respond as I feel is best, and not be put on the spot. I would feel differently if it was someone I'd been dating for a couple months, however.

Sheri

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 1:25pm
I know you didn't mean you wanted to do 'chick' stuff with him; that was my very meager (and apparently, failed) attempt at dry sacastic humor.
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Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 1:43pm
Sheri, I gotta agree with john on this one. Because you have been on 4 dates (even if they were not romantic) AND if you want to salvage a friendship out of this, I think you owe him at least a phone call. Sure, we would all rather avoid the awkwardness of actually speaking to the person and avoid that inevitable situation where that person tries to talk us out of it because they are more into us than we are into them. But, that said, in order to end it amicably with any hopes of continuing a friendship, I think you should tell him in a real conversation, not an email.

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Registered: 01-01-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 1:47pm

Hi NWW-


Just MHO, but usually the dumped party still cares for the dumper and "LJBF" usually turns into the dumped one trying to convince the

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Registered: 10-26-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 1:55pm

Hi Sheri,

Do what is best for Him, not you. If it is obvious that you think it would be kinda brutal to tell him in a call, then email him--but I would prefer a call. Neither are easy, but they are neccessary, right now.

I don't think I would go into a lot of "why you are not the one" talk. DO point out his positive qualities and then say you would like to remain friends, but that choice is up to him. He might retreat, then come back after he soothes his hurt 'feelers', let him.

Here is what I said: "You are a kind, caring man, but I do not feel that we are headed for the same goals. It is clear to me that you want a physical relationship,which you Deserve with the woman in your life. I do not see that happening between us. I would like to continue our friendship, as long as you understand my feelings, but that, too, is your choice. "

He said that he was shocked I felt that way (no idea why, I had done as you did and shied away from physical contact), but he understood. He disappeared for a while, but now we im. Never did want to get together again, but I understand--why spin your wheels, when you want to cover some ground?

Just mho. :)

Truly,
Cupcake

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 3:42pm
Your first paragraph is great and I agree entirely. As odd as it sounds... it is easier on the soul to get dumped in a 'guy/gal-way' then to be told 'We Can Be Friends'. That's like being neutered.
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Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 4:37pm
I would prefer email at the early stages.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 4:56pm

Thanks for the thoughts and feedback. I haven't decided what to do yet, but I do appreciate the various viewpoints!

Sparkle, do you really consider it to be a "dumping" situation after only 4 dates (if it matters, there hasn't been any kissing or even any hand holding)? I really wouldn't consider him to be an "ex" at this point. I've actually become good friends with two guys where I wanted "more" but it became clear that wasn't going to happen after a handful of dates (2-4). After the initial slight ego sting, I was fine with being platonic friends with both guys, because I just *liked* them so much as people. And there's no question of hanging on to the hope of "more" as one is now married--I went to their wedding and am friends with his wife as well--and the other lives with his gf.

Sheri

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 5:54pm
I did the "LJBF" email in Feb. to 'not over my ex' guy after two 'dates'. I wrote that "due to distance, his feelings, and religious beliefs" that I didn't see anything going further with us. I told him he was a great guy and that I'd love to hang out at the beach when he comes down for the summer. His reply was "Wow, I didn't expect that. Can we talk about this?" So I called him and tried saying the same thing over the phone. I think it sunk in alittle. He still calls to talk, but not as often and emails me to say hi. We'll see. Good luck with everything. (did I miss something...what are you going to Vietnam for??)

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