The "LJBF" speech...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
The "LJBF" speech...
21
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 11:48am

I just couldn't do it last night. I had posted in another thread about deciding that I'm simply not attracted to this guy I've gone out with 4 times now, although I do like him as a person, enjoy his company and would be happy to go out as friends from time to time. But I couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth last night. I was very non-committal when he said something about how busy I am and it would be nice to spend more time together, and when he took my arm a couple times, I kind of pulled away (not in an obvious way but I'm sure my body language was clear). I'm feeling a bit like, gosh, I haven't seen him for weeks, can't he take a hint? But I know that's unfair, I need to say something. We basically went dutch last night btw...he bought dinner, and I treated him to a Sonics game.

So, especially for the guys on the board, how would you prefer to get the speech? I know *I* would prefer to get that in an email, because that way I wouldn't have to deal with it face to face (e.g., pretend I wasn't upset even if I was). On the phone seems awkward...and I don't plan to see him before I leave for Vietnam and I don't want to leave him hanging from now until we see each other again (which would be mid-late April).

Ugh. I hate this part of dating.

Edited to add: for those who don't know the acronym, LJBF stands for "let's just be friends".

Sheri




Edited 3/19/2005 12:51 pm ET ET by northwestwanderer
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 6:08pm

A much needed two-week vacation!

Sheri

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Registered: 10-17-2002
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 8:31pm
Have fun but you will certainly be missed out here! Tell us all about it when you get back!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 9:20pm

uncanny. im dealing w/ this senario right now as well. im still on the fence but the talk went through my head today as I drove back from his place this afternoon. there is no easy way to put it except to be honest. im sure thats what the guys have said to your post. ugh. good luck, please update how and what you said... i'd like to know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 9:43pm

Here's my favorite guideline for a gal dumping me. This falls into the only-my-opinion catagory.

1 Date: Don't answer your phone when I call. I'll get it. That's cool.

2 Dates: Send me the 'Sorry, I....' email. That's cool.

3 Dates: Either do the same as after the #1 date or the #2 date; it all depends on how good it really seemed to go on the prior dates. That's cool.

4 Dates: Call me to dump me. We'll discuss it. I'll try to convince you to change your mind. You'll roll your eyes, wondering when you can get off the phone. I'll stand strong, bow my back and ask what your problem is. You'll hang up on me and we'll both call our friends and tell them how messed up in the head each other is. That's cool.

Alternate 4 dates: You'll tell me how great of a guy I am but... romantically it's just not there. I'll understand of course. Then... 4 weeks later we'll go to lunch and shoe shopping. LOL. That sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 9:53pm

thanks.

we're def past the 4 dates. and i would never do it via email at this pt...i respect the guy too much to do that anyhow. i hate giving and getting "lets be friends" speech. and the romantic feelings not there is exactly what is missing. I hate that cuz we get along SO well. We talk about everything and we've become great friends. I'll figure it out, and hopefully will turn out that I find some romantic feelings...

Avatar for bluebird1234
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Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 10:49pm

Well, I have been dumped after four dates via email, and it was okay, but in person or by phone would have been preferable. Every other guy has done the disappearing act, generally after 2 - 3 dates, so the email was at least an improvement.

As far as me 'dumping' the guy, I prefer to call them on the phone, rather than email, it seems more 'grown-up' some how. Its like something you don't want to do, but have to, because that's how I'd want to be treated. A necessary evil of dating. I generally tell them that though I think they are very nice, we don't have enough in common for me to feel it could go any further, and/or I'll sometimes say I'm just not feeling the chemistry. I don't like to hurt feelings, so just using the 'we don't have enough in common' works well for me. I will send an email if it's only been one date, sometimes two, but 3 or more deserves a phone call.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 8:22am

Sheri (and all...)

I agree that after four dates, the guy deserves a phone call.

I am also pathologically non-confrontational, so have done this over e-mail three times. Two were at the 4-5 date stage, one was after a couple of months and a trip to Chicago for the weekend (yeah... I suck.)

Two of the three guys, who were outraged at receiving this information in an e-mail (I never suggested friendship, just the ambivalent "we're not right for each other...") called me anyway, so I had to do it on the phone, too, complete with eye-rolling and the aforementioned "WHEN CAN I GET OFF THE PHONE???" agony. Not only did they call, but they were already cranky -- it would have been easier to do the phone call without them being agitated.

Sounds like you've got the same minor fear of conflict as I do, so if you're comfortable with e-mail, do it. But if you want to truly stay friends, he deserves a phone call, I think...

Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 8:52am

I am sooo guilty! I have emailed a 4-monther my goodbyes! I detest those you're-nice-but... conversations. Luckily, he didn't seem to mind. I guess he preferred to hear it by email and not in person. I didn't mention being friends, though.

I would like to say that I will change my ways, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. If they need to talk about it they can phone me.

amjay

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 3:26pm

Well, he sent me an email yesterday saying that he'd wanted to hug me at the end of our date but wasn't sure if that would be ok (I guess he was picking up on my ambivalence)...so I decided that responding by email was ok. I simply said that I really enjoy his company but don't think we're a match romantically, but that I think we'd make great friends, but I would understand if he didn't feel comfortable with that. He called me soon after I sent the email and I screened (I thought of your post and thought, oh no, he's going to be upset with me, I'm not going to answer the phone!). Turns out his voicemail said he's FINE with being friends (and he did sound sincere). So I'm relieved about that. I hope we do end up being friends, I really do like him as a person...there's just no attraction there.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 3:33pm

You didn't even answer the phone? I'm just surprised because wouldn't he know you're at home if you emailed him?