Long-distance can work

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Long-distance can work
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 8:00am
As I have just written down my experiences in online-dating and especially in long-distance online-dating as an answer to another discussion I thought I should perhaps re-post it as an own topic so that more people in a similar situation can read it and let me know about their experiences. If I can help anybody, I am here and will try to answer all of your questions!

I am into online dating now for about 2 years and it has always been long-distance so I have a few experiences to share. I am from Germany (so please forgive my sometimes not so perfect English) and have always been fascinated about North-America and it's people. Spending vacations there regularly but wanted to have more personal contact so I tried an online-dating service just to find a friend to talk to.

My first contact turned out as a guy I really liked and I can talk to as if we have known each other for years. After we knew each other for about 4 weeks (and talked daily per email and (because of the time difference) on the phone at weekends) he decided it's time to see us in person and came to Germany for a week. It has been his first flight out of the States but we both felt like we want to meet in person. We spent a fantastic time, made future plans and I thought I had found the man of my dreams. Four weeks later I made it possible that I can fly over to see him again and unfortunately that was not so great. Still do not know what really happened we just did not get along so great in his place as we did in mine. After I returned to Germany we continued talking for a while but it was mainly me who tried to work on our relationship. He told me I am a great friend but he cannot imagine anything else anymore so we broke up in early 2002. We are still in contact and a part of him will always be in my heart but....

Lesson learned: be sure to see each other in both of your places especially if you live in different countries. Most important is of course the place you plan to live in together later!

The next chapter is not that great but I am willing to share that as well. I met another US guy online at the same dating service last summer and very soon we talked on the phone daily. I was planning on another vacation anyhow so he suggested we should do that together which was approx. after we knew each other for 6 weeks. Seems okay to me even if he started telling me things he had not been honest about just after I booked my flight. Nevertheless I flew (with an already bad feeling in my stomach)and when he stood in front of me at the airport I knew immediately that will never work out because there was absolutely no chemistry. I tried to come through this vacation on a friendship basis but when he went on trying to convince me to have sex with him, I obviously got very negative about the whole story. We cut the vacation short after a week and I spent a few days alone in the NYC area. The minute he went out of my hotel room and I knew I will never see him again was one of the greatest I ever had!

Lesson learned: Always have a plan B if the person you meet turns out as horrible! Have the bravery to even cancel a booked trip if he/she comes out with lies short before you want to go!

After that it took me a while to go on with trying to find a real love online but sometime in winter I just got bored and put a new profile on a new site and very soon received a smile from a guy from Canada. I answered and we started talking in early February. All was very different with him because we were instantly able to talk about everything and I felt so comfortable and secure with having him around. I was on vacation in the States in May and he decided to come down to Chicago and meet me there. We both had the feeling that we will just need that personal meeting to confirm what we already know but nevertheless we agreed on having 2 hotel rooms the first night and the option of saying goodbye if we won't click. Everything was more than great and our biggest problem was how we will get over the time where we will not be able to see each other. We are still on the phone daily, send each other emails when we are not awake the same time (six hours time difference) and try to work out long-distance dates as best as possible, e.g. see the same movie at the same day and pretend we are there together; or watch some sports events which are at live coverage in both of our countries while talking to each other on the phone. Finally I've found a flight which fits in my financial frame and so I will fly to Toronto at July, 8th for a week and see how we will get along there. We are very serious about each other and so I can only ask everybody who reads this to keep your fingers crossed!

Lessons learned by now: Be honest and be yourself and once you met trust in each other and in your love and everything will fall into place! There will be hard times where you think you cannot stand missing each other so deeply anymore but then you find out he thought about you in a very special way and the sun is shining again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 9:23am
Wow!!! Thanks for sharing and I am sure you will help someone else.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 10:12am
WOW! What a wonderful post. Let me just say this first, WeLCOME! Well, your English is perfect to me, so dont worry. Very well put my dear.

You just summed up our whole board in one post. lol Good job. You live, and you learn and that is all any of us can do in our own lives. Well, at least in the end you have found someone you click with and seem to have a future with. Yes, I do agree LDRs can and will continue to work as long the two people involved are open and honest and have a common goal.

On a more personal note, I am also in an on line, LDr of sorts. lol We are only emailing each other for the last three weeks until he is here, so I guess it is on line now. We met in Feburary as well as you and your guy. Mark is in Scotland, and I am in the states. The south, to be exact. lol So, he is 6 hours ahead of me. Yes, it is difficult for us to correspond our time, but we are so head over heels for one another, that we make it work. That is what really is important in our relationship, is that we both want very much for it to work. We already know how we feel and have seen one another, via pictures, and web cam daily for the past 4 months. We used to speak daily over the phone as well, which we both had to bring down to once a week now that we are saving money. He is saving for his trip here, and I am moving into my first new place. Later for that. Anywho. We are meeting for the first time, although it seems we have known one another for years. We are both divorced, and both have children from a previous marriage. So, we are pretty confident that this meeting will only confirm what we feel. So, fingers crossed for us toO!

Goodluck to you and your relationship, and I hope that you stick around. YOu are very insightful in your posts and we could use another great mind here!!!


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 5:17pm
Gail, thank you very much for your answer. It's always good to know that there are other people out there who make similar experiences and understand what's going on. Some people over here in Germany just think I am crazy sometimes.

In fact it looks like we are quite similar, meeting our guys on-line in February, being six hours apart (you probably know the feeling of somehow living in two time zones and always thinking about "what is he doing right now" or "can I already call him or is he still sleeping" stuff like that) and will finally be together with them in person in July. Are you counting the days as well? Rob and I are down to 18 today!

As we have met in person already once before I guess my meeting Rob again will not be that exciting as yours but nevertheless I can hardly wait to be in his arms again. Of course there will be a lot of new challenges to go through. I will meet his family and friends and see the place I am supposed to live at in the future if all works out well. We both have never been married before but he has a six year old son out of a former relationship who lives with him part-time and I guess that will be one of the biggest challenges for us. He seems to be a great dad and he already has somehow introduced me to his son as well by showing him my pictures and let him talk to me on the phone. Cute boy he is (like father like son!?) and I hope we can both become at least good friends.

I will try to keep everybody updated here and of course I keep my fingers crossed for you and Mark as well. Good luck and let me tell you that if your heart and stomach both feel good about meeting him, everything will turn out fine. That's what is called female intuition probably ;-)


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 2:42am
HI Nicole and welcome! Nice post u have for us.

Like u and Gail, i'm into an overseas relationship too, I'm from Philippines and Joe is from US, 12 hrs. difference, so i too can understand ur feelin about time zones, when we talk, if its 10 pm his side it'll be 10 am my side, we also 2x talk daily, already exchanged gifts, mails etc. He is divorced with 2 kids (1 not living with him) which i already accepted while im still single, never been married and no kids. His family already knew all about me and our relationship , letting them know what he feels for me and that's great to know.

But not like u and Gail, ur both be meeting ur respective sweeties come July, but not for me yet...but hopefully soon.

Well, good luck with your relationship with Rob and hope it'll be the best. Keep us posted and have a happy n safe trip!


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 06-23-2003 - 10:34am
Yes, Nicole we have some similarities, as we do with Jen as well. Over seas relationships can put a whole new meaning to LDrs. lol It is the hardest thing I have had to do. It has definitely taught me patience. Just when I am ready to call it quits cause Im tired of waiting for him to get here(not his fault due to government rules for travel), my friends will tell me, you have waited this long for true love, what is a few more months or weeks. I say yes to my life with Mark, because in my heart I feel so much. Once our eyes meet, it will only confirm what our hearts feel.

You are welcome Nicole, and I am happy to have a board member that can relate to my ideas as well. 6 hours sucks!! lol It is hard for us to correspond times, but when you love someone you will do whatever you have to. Look at Jen, she is a big 12 hours time difference and she is the most happiest girl on here it seems when it comes to love. best of luck to you and to Jen. Hopefully we will all have happy endings soon to update on!!!

Gail :)