Long Distance Confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2013
Long Distance Confusion
5
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 2:04pm

I am in a real mess. I have feelings for my best friend. My bestie and I met through my ex-boyfriend over a video game we played online (this man lives 2200 miles from me atm). Jason and I hit it off right away, talked, and talked everyday for 2 years. We would stay on vent until 5 am, he would call me and we would talk for hours, and we would often Skype. We are very similar in personality, our pasts had similar situations in them, to a point it was scary how much alike we are. After 2 years of Skyping and us talking every day, I told him I had feelings for him beyond best friends. He told me if I lived closer, I would be his girl and that he knew I would make him happy and that he could see settling down with me. After that he stopped talking to me for 3 weeks.</p><p>Once he shares something personal with me, he tends to not talk to me for a week or so. I confronted him about it and he said he needed time to think because we are so far apart and we are both very sexual people he didn't know if he could be what I wanted. I told him that was fine and I stopped texting and calling him. Another week later I got a call from him telling me he missed me and he hated we hadn't talked. Things went back to normal. Jason calling me hunny or sweetie and telling me he wants to be with me, Skyping, all of it. He always calls me when good and bad things happen first before anyone else. This has gone on for 5 years now. I fly to see him and he sees me, too. This past week I was in TX to see him and he bought me a bracelet and had me help him look for work clothes for him. Bedroom wise we were great, but then the day before I left he got awkward. He said he was glad we were friends and I made him relax and was low drama. I still haven’t heard from him. He gave me a hug and left my hotel. What do I do? He acts like he wants a relationship, then he doesn't...I am so lost. Help me! (Pardon any mis-spells)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 3:54pm

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 03-17-2013 - 3:53pm

rissaeden3 wrote:
<p>Logical advice. I see what your saying. We have talked about me moving closer and him closer to me. We come up with good ideas and then we just leave it at that and do not discuss it again for months. He is a shy man and I know he is scared from past relatinships, as am I. I just don't know what our future looks like.</p>

No one does... and you will continue not to know unless you two get out of each of your ways and push through the discomfort of talking about the intent of the other.  You have to be ok with being told what you don't want to hear.  Proceeding in ignorance on a subject such as this is not wise.  Discuss it and stop taking his shyness or his being hurt from past relationships as hurdles you give up on before even trying to get over.

Most people by a certain age have been hurt... that is the nature of relationships. He is not unique in that sense. If he is so scared, then he shouldn't be trying to involve your feelings by yanking on your chain then letting it go slack when you give him attention.  He should either man up or stay home alone.

You both need to know exactly where the other stands before you can make any moves in any directions.  That is only fair to each of you.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Thu, 03-14-2013 - 11:14am

His hot and cold behavior toward you would leave me confused too. It also concerns me. He can say anything he wants but his actions are what count. He says you would be together if you lived closer, but is that really the truth? Sure you guys talk a lot online and you even visit each other for conjugal visits but then he gets awkward. This has many qualities of a friends with benefits arrangement. He seems to like where things are at and he does not seem to want to take it beyond what it is. I think if he really wanted a LTR committed relationship with you, he would have moved more in that direction by now, 5 years later. He likes to keep it on the friends level, telling you he was glad you are friends after you just got done having an intimate visit with him.

So in my opinion I do not think this will turn into anything more than what it is right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2013
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 4:50pm

Logical advice. I see what your saying. We have talked about me moving closer and him closer to me. We come up with good ideas and then we just leave it at that and do not discuss it again for months. He is a shy man and I know he is scared from past relatinships, as am I. I just don't know what our future looks like.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 03-13-2013 - 4:05pm

rissaeden3 wrote:
<p>I am in a real mess. I have feelings for my best friend. My bestie and I met through my ex-boyfriend over a video game we played online (this man lives 2200 miles from me atm). Jason and I hit it off right away, talked, and talked everyday for 2 years. We would stay on vent until 5 am, he would call me and we would talk for hours, and we would often Skype. We are very similar in personality, our pasts had similar situations in them, to a point it was scary how much alike we are. After 2 years of Skyping and us talking every day, I told him I had feelings for him beyond best friends. He told me if I lived closer, I would be his girl and that he knew I would make him happy and that he could see settling down with me. After that he stopped talking to me for 3 weeks.&lt;/p&gt;&lt;p&gt;Once he shares something personal with me, he tends to not talk to me for a week or so. I confronted him about it and he said he needed time to think because we are so far apart and we are both very sexual people he didn't know if he could be what I wanted. I told him that was fine and I stopped texting and calling him. Another week later I got a call from him telling me he missed me and he hated we hadn't talked. Things went back to normal. Jason calling me hunny or sweetie and telling me he wants to be with me, Skyping, all of it. He always calls me when good and bad things happen first before anyone else. This has gone on for 5 years now. I fly to see him and he sees me, too. This past week I was in TX to see him and he bought me a bracelet and had me help him look for work clothes for him. Bedroom wise we were great, but then the day before I left he got awkward. He said he was glad we were friends and I made him relax and was low drama. I still haven’t heard from him. He gave me a hug and left my hotel. What do I do? He acts like he wants a relationship, then he doesn't...I am so lost. Help me! (Pardon any mis-spells)</p>

Do you want to be in a relationship with him?  If so, it would appear that you will have to move closer to him in order for that to take place. He has said that if you lived near him, you would be.  Is he interested in moving to be near you?

Before you do ask about logistics, however, you need to ask him point blank if he wants a relationship with you, what he would think about you moving to live near him--not with him--secure employment, find your own place and take it from there. Do not move to go live with him because if things don't work out once you're in the day to day of a relationship, then you will have the means to take care of yourself and not be in his space while trying to get over him.

Him going incommunicado on you appears to happen when you two open up to one another and he has to go off by himself to process what he's heard and to decide how he wants to proceed. I don' t think you should look on that as a bad thing.. I think that you should accept that that is how he integrates what you are saying and he's giving serious thought to what you're saying. That's not a bad thing.

Don't expect him to act the exact way you act... you process things your way; allow him to process things his way.  When he wants a little space to integrate, don't make it about him rejecting you because it's not.