Long distance dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Long distance dating
7
Fri, 02-22-2013 - 8:22am

I met this guy online in Oct, we had our first date in Nov about 4 weeks later after emailing and texting. So far he's been controlling the times and dates of our dates. We always meet in a public place and do sightseeing, lunch, dinner etc. Last date he was in a hurry to leave town, doesn't answer text or phone calls after 8PM, even tho he said in the beginning that he also has grown children and lives alone. Matter of fact it didn't dawn on me until the next day that he has never hugged me or kissed me (except our first meeting, we embraced each other) I don't to be too hasty calling the whole thing off, since I have a very impulsive nature. However, I have been doing online dating since 2008 and have NEVER met an honest man. On our last date he told me that his 23yr old daughter wants to move back in, but he didn't sound convincing, now he has asked for a 5th date and assured me that he will come to my city. By the way we live 150 miles apart, I am not an insecure person, but I don't want to waste anymore time by having this guy using me as a back up plan. My gut feeling is telling me that there's more that I need to find out about him. Do I ask, leave it alone, or end it. There's no way I can move to an intimate relationship with him until I know more about him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 02-22-2013 - 9:00am

However, I have been doing online dating since 2008 and have NEVER met an honest man.

Then why are you still doing it?  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Dating, online or otherwise, is a number's game.  There is no reason to be exclusive with this person.  Instead of agonizing about whether to make a hasty decision now, keep seeing more people and let the chips fall where they may.  You need to go through a lot of losers to find "the one"; and it could be ages if you are only doing it one at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 02-22-2013 - 10:43am

I assume that by now you know his full name and where he lives--try Googling that to see what you come up with and also Google images--look on Facebook too.  I would be very suspicious of someone who won't answer the phone after 8:00 pm--I would assume that he's married and trying to have a woman on the side.  I'd like to see his reaction if you ask to visit his town--would he get very nervous about it?  I haven't had much luck lately w/ OLD and have mostly stopped doing it, but except for one scammer (who I never met) I have really not had problems with men being dishonest.  I do think that a key is meeting in person ASAP.  But I also think you need to listen to your gut feeling--if you have a sense that he's not being honest, I would go with that.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 12:24am

hibbens wrote:
<p>I met this guy online in Oct, we had our first date in Nov about 4 weeks later after emailing and texting. So far he's been controlling the times and dates of our dates. We always meet in a public place and do sightseeing, lunch, dinner etc. Last date he was in a hurry to leave town, doesn't answer text or phone calls after 8PM, even tho he said in the beginning that he also has grown children and lives alone. Matter of fact it didn't dawn on me until the next day that he has never hugged me or kissed me (except our first meeting, we embraced each other) I don't to be too hasty calling the whole thing off, since I have a very impulsive nature. However, I have been doing online dating since 2008 and have NEVER met an honest man. On our last date he told me that his 23yr old daughter wants to move back in, but he didn't sound convincing, now he has asked for a 5th date and assured me that he will come to my city. By the way we live 150 miles apart, I am not an insecure person, but I don't want to waste anymore time by having this guy using me as a back up plan. My gut feeling is telling me that there's more that I need to find out about him. Do I ask, leave it alone, or end it. There's no way I can move to an intimate relationship with him until I know more about him. </p>

What kind of a job does he work? Does he have to be up at 3am and that's why he doesn't answer the phone after 8?  I do--I have to be up at 3:30am and I don't answer calls after 8p unless they're emergencies from my family.

However, that aside, it sounds like he's got a Significant Other living where he lives and he doesn't want any awkwardness when he's with her, so he goes incommunicado after 8p.

I would say that if you're not prepared to just cut your losses now to just maintain an holding pattern and observe for the time being.  When he begins sounding like he's controlling when you see him, you tell him when you can see him and that his times will not work for you.  Relationships are about compromise and if he won't see you unless it's when it works for him but not you, then that doesn't bode well for future success and happiness in this.  Not to mention 150 miles is enough distance to be carrying on a whole 'nother life that you will not be privvy to---you know what he wants you to know about his life, not the truth of what is going on in it.  Living in the same city would grant you that.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 1:38pm

 Treat him as a fun thing.  Do not lock yourself up with one person,ever!  Date around and enjoy living your life.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 7:41pm

Thanks all for the response! I've spent 22 yrs in the military, just retired and I have never dated anyone outside the service. The dating site that I met where I met this guy was my last, even tho I subscribed for 6 months I have already canceled my membership and took my profile down several weeks ago. Thanks for all the comments, they are all helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 9:12am
Thanks, that's where my thoughts are heading at the moment, since the last date he was in such a hurry to leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Sun, 02-24-2013 - 9:18am
Sounds like a good idea, too many times I have closed my online acct because I believed that I found Mr. Right. Anyway I wanted to start the new year making a committment of no online dating so I have already closed my acct and hide my profile. Thanks.