Long distance relationship
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| Sat, 12-09-2006 - 8:03pm |
I've been on yahoo for less than two weeks, and nothing very exciting has come my way until earlier today I got an e-mail from a guy I find very attractive.
The only problem is he is from the other side of the country.
He _says_ that he is planning to move to my area and that's why he is searching in my area.
However, he is not clear about when he is planning to move. He just says he will be coming to do some business in January and hopes to meet me then.
My concern is that I don't want to invest in meeting the guy (assuming we still want to meet, come January) if he isn't going to move to this area within the next three or four months. I don't want a long distance relationship, especially since relocating isn't an option for me.
So what are some ways that I can convey to this guy that I am not interested unless he really is planning to move here in the near future? I do find him attractive, so I don't want to scare him off.
Elsa

I honestly don't know how you could convey your feelings to him without possibly turning him off and causing him to lose interest in even meeting you.
If it were me, I'd play it by ear. I'd keep communication between now and January at a minimum and then see how the date goes. You could meet and not feel an ounce of chemistry or things could work out and he could decide to move sooner because of you.
You won't know until you actually meet him.
Or you could always just tell him you're only interested in dating someone who lives in your area and to look you up if he moves there.
Good luck!
I agree with the other posters, I think you should tell him to contact you when he moves to your city and that you are only interested in dating ppl who live in your city.
Yeah, I was wondering if he just wants a contact for when he is in town. That in itself wouldn't bother me, if he told me so openly and were someone who came into town regularly. I am open to "just friends" types of dating relationships--but I want to know what I am getting into.
I'm more worried that he is just looking for a pen pal and may not really be coming here on a regular basis at all.
But I guess I just have to wait and see. You are right that my only choices are to wait and see or to tell him outright that I don't want a long-distance-relationship and he should call me when he has actually moved to the area.
Elsa
This happens with me a lot, men who are supposedly moving here, in the
Oh, I wouldn't put my social life (such as it is) on hold for a guy who says he's going to be moving to the area but isn't around to date. The only reason I'm doing OLD is to meet people to go out with. I'm just wondering if it is worth the trouble to even begin an e-mail friendship with him.
The question is whether I would be better off saying, "Call me when you are settled in the area but not before," or saying, "I'll be glad to meet you when you come into town, but I want you to level with me about whether you are really planning to relocate or just have to visit the area occasionally on business," or just playing it by ear and waiting to see what develops without investing too much thought/energy on the guy until/unless he actually moves to town. (This is assuming I continue to find him interesting and he feels the same about me.) The danger of this last course of action, of course, is that I might let myself believe that he is seriously meaning to move when he really isn't.
I think for now I need to play it by ear (at least until we've exchanged a couple more e-mails), but in the long run... I really don't like to be in limbo. It makes me cranky and irrational.
Elsa
Then I would just say let me know when you move to town and your settled i.e. look me up then continue to date men in you area, end of story. No need to analyze it - there are no right or wrong answers...the next man you will seriously date or get involved with - will happen regardless i.e. things happen for a reason.
If you're not comfortable with any limbo at all, then don't put yourself in limbo. Ask him to email you if/when he's settled in the area (you don't need to say "but not before", IMO).
If you can make yourself comfortable with a small amount of limbo, then email him once a week or so until his visit in January and if you both want to meet then, do so, and when you do, if you're at all interested, then ask him what his plans are for his move, and depending on his answer, go from there.
Sheri
Hi Peanut,
I find it useful to "overthink" things. It helps me be clearer on what I want to do and why I want to do it. It helps me make fewer mistakes that I afterwards regret.
Dating after all these years (I was with my husband for 23 years) is very strange. Online dating is even stranger.
You are absolutely right that most men don't think about dating half as much as we do. But maybe that is because we have more emotional intelligence.
Elsa