Long Distant Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Long Distant Love
8
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 12:43pm

I met this great guy via internet, he has come to see me numerous times, I have children and so does he. He gets along great with my children and my family. I have yet to meet his family because i have not made it up there to see him in his city yet but will do so in feb. We were talking about me moving up there with my children when school is out. I did my research of the city and the area and the schools, I have compared the cost of living and so forth. The problem is that my kids dont want to leave my family that is here, and I could never ask him to leave his family there, because he is so close to his daughter.I am like stuck in a stand still, because we are in love, he has asked me to marry him,and i said yes but due to my kids not wanting to leave i really dont know what to do, I dont want to take my kids from my family because we are all so close. I havent told him yet,that my kids dont want to leave. Just the thought of this is really depressing . I've even been out and about seeing if i can find some kind of interest in the men in my city, but i really dont have a feel for any of them, that i have met. I also have a best friend who is a male that i use to date, he doesnt live here anymore but we are still in contact, he has mentioned to moving back here. Even though I still have much love for him, i know i cant trust him because how he left our relationship (even though it was an open one, he's been away for 3 years). I guess i am looking to the ex as a back up plan (Backup plan are the wrong words for this, but i am going to leave it in anyway, being that someone already commented about me using those choice words.) I know that sounds bad. I just don't know how to tell him that there is a strong possiblity that i wont be moving.. I love him but i can't be at a distance with him forever.. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTION? HELP..

Edited 12/28/2005 2:26 pm ET by ?seanique




Edited 12/28/2005 2:28 pm ET by ?seanique
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 1:01pm

Sometimes it happens that with kids, you can't relocate, either because you feel it's not in their best interests or because the court says you can't move them away from their other parent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 1:08pm
The father is no part of my childrens life.. it is just me and them.. We are a very close knit family which is the thing that makes it hard for me just to pick up and move. I have had a sister do the same thing just pick up and move to be with a man she loved, and now she is having a HARD time with them, the change from how the use to be to how they are now is SCAREY.. and i dont want that to happen to my kids if i did decide to move.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 1:12pm

"I guess i am looking to the ex as a back up plan. I know that sounds bad."

First, if you were so dedicated to your boyfriend/fiance, then this wouldn't even be a consideration. It does sound REALLY bad- it just sounds like you NEED to have a relationship- and you are debating your risk towards your kids.

Why didn't you think about this issue before you started dating? It sounds like you jumped first, then thought about this later. This man was always long distance, so what did you think would happen if things worked out?

Your children should be your FIRST priority, after all relationships can come and go. And particularly if you are the only person to do the sacrificing, I would question the relationship to begin with. It sounds like you NEED a relationship- and if that is the case- and you need a back up plan- then I would deal with that issue in itself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 2:22pm
Well first of all I DONT NEED a relationship.. I still have feelings for the ex.. but that doesnt mean that would go backwards, even though i have feelings for him.. i can say i miss the ATTENTION.. better then you would say I NEED a relationship...Maybe i used the wrong words when i said backup plan... and you cant help who you fall in love with. LOVE DOES NOT work like that. secondly i asked my children if they would like to move they said YES but then i told them the other side of them not being around my relatives.. that when they changed their minds. THIRD.. my kids do come first if they didnt i wouldnt be asking for advice i would of moved inspite of them not wanting to move. Thanks for the advice but you could of kept that 2cents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 7:33pm

First off, this is an advice board, and you wrote your reply and you had to know that some people will agree with you and some won't. Deal with it instead of lashing.

Secondly, again, unless I am mistaken, this was always a long distance situation- and being that its OLD discussion, I'm going to assume that he is an OLD guy. So let me get this straight "You can't help who you fall in love with"- Wait, if you don't write guys (or respond) to long distance guys- then, yes, you CAN help who you fall in love with. Maybe I'm wrong, he just became LD- but it sounds since he lives by his daughter, this was always the case. There are plenty of fish out there that live near you I'm sure, but you can't fall in love with someone long distance, if you don't seek it out.

Wait you miss the attention? Why do you think most of us WANT relationships- most of us here WANT the attention- you're not alone there. You phrased that you apparently needed a backup- that's a quote from YOU. If you are "into" someone enough to consider uprooting your family- then, this person should be a DEFINITE and be the only person you think about and dream about. If you still have feelings for someone else, or want someone if this guy doesn't work out- sounds like there's some serious doubt to begin with. Not that relationships don't have temptation- but this is the beginning before its at the "hum-drum" stage. That's scary.

Your children are kids- they may say yes or no- but what do they know about how its going to be to move their lives? If your kids really came first, you probably would have been looking for a man that was near your location that this wouldn't even be a question. Your fiance/bf won't leave his daughter- but yet you expect your kids to leave their relatives. Amazing how you don't see that your fiance/bf won't leave his family, but he expects you to leave yours.

Take a good look at the situation- and if it is completely secure- because if it isn't- and it doesn't work out- would you and your children be happy in a new location? My sister met someone on OLD and moved cross country- no kids, no major job- but its been over two years and they are married- and she is miserable living there and counts down the days until she thinks they will move elsewhere. I don't think they ever will, but that's her issue. But if in your own letter you speak of other possibilities, then again, how secure is the relationship you are in?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 8:50pm

A few suggestions, and I really hope they help:

1. You have never been to his city, neither have your children. Is it possible to bring them there when you go in February so that they can take a look at what this new place looks like?

2. The children are frightened by the idea of being taken away from the family they love. Is it not a possibility that annual trips back "home" can be arranged for them?

3. You didn't say He wouldn't move to you, but that you "couldn't ask him to leave his family". Why not? Or perhaps you left that point out of your op?

4. You need to sit down with Loverboy and discuss this issue and -- at a guess -- every other one associated with uprooting and then raising a "mixed" family. There will be so many challenges that you both need to be on the same page at the same time.

5. You both have to sit down TOGETHER with the children and discuss this openly.

6. Your idea of replacing Loverboy by seeing other men is completely off base. Please take a look at your decision making skills, they need a little work. I don't say that to slam you, it's just an outsider's observation of (stated) behaviour you may not be aware of.

Best of luck to you!
amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 10:50pm
Good suggestions.. my kids ages range from 14 to 8, my oldest is 18. I should of said that I miss the attention. That is all as far as the ex is concerend we are still best friends but like i said before our parting ways wasnt nice but it wasnt bad (being that we are still in constant contact).. he gives me attention when needed. but he is not in the state.. I wouldnt want to take the current away from his daughter because they are so close and she is young. I grew up without a father (just like my kids) and i wouldnt want to do do that to her. Let it be known, that i am NOT looking for a father for my kids. I wish I could take my kids but that would be too hard on the budget being that I am the only source of income. I love him (the current) but i dont want to up root my kids and move and things dont work out.. then I am left in a city with just my kids and knowing no one, which i can say could be another possibility and point of why i dont want to move (besides my kids not wanting to move). back to the point of the ex.. As every female knows we all have needs and love attention from men, not saying that i need it all the time. I am not the one to sleep around just for the attention. I know that, this all might sound strange and maybe i am not wording it right & making it go in circles, but if i could open up my head and let you walk in then you would know what i was talking about.. LOL.. But i guess to make a long story short. I love this guy, I dont want to take him away from his child, like i really dont want to take my kids away from my family, so while writing this i guess the best thing to do is let him go and try to find love elsewhere (in my city)..I guess i got emotion icon right when I picked confused.LOL.. thanks.. and have a happy new year.. smile.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 12:01am

There are so many complications to OLD, and you've hit upon two major obstacles in the dating process. One is the distance factor and the other is the kids (both yours and his). One of the risks of OLD or dating in general is dealing with one another's children. I must admit that since I'm child-free, it is an issue I look at when considering dating someone. And while I think it would be wrong to not date someone simply because they had kids whom you might or might not get along with, it is something to think about before getting too involved with the guy.

The distance issue has been one I've felt I had more control over in that I don't look for guys who live more than 100 miles or so away from me. A "reasonable" driving distance is one of the things I look at when looking at any profile online. And while, yes, there might be some great guy who lives 400 miles from me, I know I'm not willing to pick up and move and leave my secure job and retirement to start over somewhere else. I've seen women pick up and move somewhere only to regret it later. Maybe that is the streak of independence in me, but I simply will not get involved with someone who has kids and deep roots in a town that is not within a reasonable driving distance from me.

I suspect that you aren't really ready to pick up and move either, and your gut is trying to tell you that by realizing how this would affect your children. I don't know how old you are, but when a person reaches their 40's, they usually are not looking for a career change or making a major move unless they have to. In your case, I would say that while you care about this guy, you may be having second thoughts about everything involved with a new life with him. I would talk to him about your concerns, but bottom line, trust your instincts. Once you can sleep easy at night, you will know that you made the right decision.