Looking for a shoulder and advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Looking for a shoulder and advice
16
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 3:25pm
Well, I haven't contributed in awhile. For those of you that recall, that great guy that I met on eharmony and then I decided for us to just be friends since I didn't feel like we really had that chemistry..well, we stayed friends, talked everyday, ect. but he always wanted more. I was still hung up on someone else who showed what a real slime he is. I decided that maybe I wasn't giving the guy I met a real chance because I had had these feelings and maybe now we could give it a real chance since the "slime: was out of the picture. I was honest with the eharmony guy the whole time about everything. Well, we started dating again about two weeks ago. We had a nice time over Christmas, but all my doubts started again. I was trying to ignore them, but I felt like I had to level with him since he had bought an expensive ticket for me to go to this party on New Year's Day. If I leveled on how I felt and he would rather not go together, he coud easily sell the ticket. I never want to be a user or mislead someone. Well, long story short, we're over. I just feel terrible though. I don't know if it's just the loss of someone I know was great to me and the thought of being destined to be alone or what it is. I say I know this is the right thing, but then have these doubts. I think that by now (5 months) I would feel in love with him if I was. I didn't want to use him or jerk him around. In some ways I feel like I'm reliving my life. I was hung up on someone else years ago. I didn't "resign" myself to marrying my now ex until I knew that the chance with that guy was gone. I had feelings for my ex, but had doubts I ignored. End result - I'm divorced.I don't want any repeats or for either one of us to settle for less. Any words of advice or general comment are appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 3:41pm
Isn't life funny, how the guy you want is a jerk, and the one you dont want is the one that treats you right... I've been there and done that. You shouldnt feel bad about the choice you made because you did what was right for you. I commend you for telling him the truth instead of leading him and becoming a user, but in reality you just wasnt feeling him. Believe me i've been there(last year). I Had a guy who wanted more, I even tried to make myself look at him in a different light to maybe get with him, but i knew deep down inside he wasnt the one. (And it really did feel nice for a guy to treat you like you should be treated). He would take me out, we would go places he would pay for stuff, but i didnt feel comfortable because i didnt feel like that about him, but I also made sure he knew that we could only be friends and nothing more. Ultimately, I quit calling him, he quit calling me. but i know i did the right thing, in hopes that he would find a woman that could love him the way that i couldnt.. Dont feel bad you did the right thing even though you and him dont think that you did.. P.S. If you have to make yourself fall in love.. It really isn't love.. it's called SETTLING.. and you definately dont want to settle.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 3:46pm

You did the right thing...I know it's painful, but it wouldn't have been fair to either of you if you'd continued to see him knowing that you don't feel "that way" about him. You gave it a fair shot, though, and that is a good thing.

I sometimes feel the same way...that the choice is either "slime" guy or a good guy we don't have chemistry with. But I refuse to accept that there aren't good guys out there we can feel chemistry with.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 4:59pm

I'm a devout believer in there being a lesson in everything. If this guy was meant for you, you would be with him. But the fact that you had to make the choice you did means to me that there's a few lessons in there that you needed to learn.


You should commend yourself. You realized that you didn't have the feelings you should and you let him go, even though he was a good catch. That takes a lot of courage. And I believe when the time is right, you will find that perfect person for you. Take some time for yourself, treat yourself well and recover from what you need to.


This too shall pass...



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 6:07pm
Thanks to all of you. You'll never know how much your supportive words meant at this time. Best wishes to all in 2006.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:06am
I'm just wondering....if I did the right thing, why am I still secon guessing myself and feeling bad about it? I know I had some attraction or I wouldn't have gone back or have been able to be intimate, but I know those nagging doubts were telling me something. I just don't get why I keep doing the second guessing and feeling bad. I can't even stand to hear about New Year's Eve now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:30am

We all second guess ourselves. Even when we know something is right, it's normal to let our doubts about whether or not we're right creep in. For example, my ex-husband and I were definitely not a good fit. However, he was a nice guy. At times when I'm single and down, I think to myself "should I have tried harder?" However I know in my heart it wasn't right.


I think this is where you have to know the differenece between your gut, your heart and your mind. Always trust your gut. But if it's your mind or heart talking, that's when you should question. I think you know you gave up a good guy and I think any of us would question ourselves if we did that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 11:31am

Yes, it could be a good idea to explore WHY you didn't feel it was right. Are you pushing away guys that are good for you and that you really do like because you are afraid in some way? It sounds strange, but are you afraid of NOT getting hurt and actually finding a good guy? Our subconscious works in funny ways and if this is the case, that kind of behavior is actually a passive commitmentphobic behavior - not only picking guys that are really jerks and treat you badly (or not looking for commitment) as the ones you choose to be with long term but also pushing away the ones that ARE potentially good for you.

I think that your gut is probably right on by turning him away because if you don't feel it, you don't feel it and you can't force yourself but you might want to take a look at the underlying reasons of why you push away the good ones and keep the bad ones. Just a thought.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 1:13pm

I commend you because you did the RIGHT thing. Momma215, I can't tell you how many women in this world are settling! I have one friend who is about to live with someone but is not attracted to him nor enjoys the sex. She comments that she doesn't believe she will be faithful to him, and if he were to find out he would kill her. All I could do was "shake my head"! Why even entertain such a thing, living together, if he is not right. Either way it's difficult, cause I'm sure my friend is just trying to fit this square peg into a round one (basically he has so many other desirable traits (basically money), she should just stick with him) but in the long run it causes more harm than good! What you are feeling right now is normal; and in time (cause time heals everything) you will feel better and your self-esteem will be in check. As far as my friend, let's just hope she doesn't end up on the 6:00 news!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 6:43pm
I have really been giving your question some thought. I think I'm questioning myself possibly for the same reasons I did back when I was 24...scary...This guy really loves me (which low self esteem me finds incredible), I can be totally myself and he still thinks I'm great, he treats me well, has a nice upper body :), good job, but there were too many red flags to me. I feel like I'm making my self try to be in love wiht him. When I liked the slime, I would have jumped up and down if he wanted to get married. So, I don't think I'm having committment issues. I just don't want to commit again to the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Here are some of the red flags I was experiencing: 1) At times, I know I was intimate with him due to a feeling of obligation, not desire (not alwyas though)2) I was relieved at times when I didn't have to be intimate 3) After a few days together recently, I would start to feel like he was hanging on me 4) I noticed myself nitpicking how he would say things (like when he would refer to me as sweetie I swear he sounded gay) I know that sounds horrible, but it was a real turnoff. To me, if I was in love with him, the things that were bugging me wouldn't matter. I also don't like how I felt I would start to treat him because I wasn't feeling "in love," if that makes senese. I never wanted to be mean or use him and that's why I leveled with him and tried to be straight up with him all along. I know I still don't have all the answers for why I seem to like the men I do, but does thi shelp? I fyou have any other comments or insights, they are certainly welcome.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 7:16pm

You might want to read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter to get a better idea of how "passive" commitment issues manifest themselves. The basic idea, though, goes something like this...sure you would have loved to get married to the slime guy, but you knew in your heart he was emotionally unavailable, so he really wasn't a "real" possibility and therefore you felt free to love him. In other words, being willing to make a commitment to someone who doesn't *want* a commitment, isn't really being willing at all.

Whereas this guy WAS really available, so you found reasons NOT to commit to him.

Does that make sense? I'm not explaining it very well...but the book does a good job ;-).

Sheri

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