Looking for a shoulder and advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Looking for a shoulder and advice
16
Wed, 12-28-2005 - 3:25pm
Well, I haven't contributed in awhile. For those of you that recall, that great guy that I met on eharmony and then I decided for us to just be friends since I didn't feel like we really had that chemistry..well, we stayed friends, talked everyday, ect. but he always wanted more. I was still hung up on someone else who showed what a real slime he is. I decided that maybe I wasn't giving the guy I met a real chance because I had had these feelings and maybe now we could give it a real chance since the "slime: was out of the picture. I was honest with the eharmony guy the whole time about everything. Well, we started dating again about two weeks ago. We had a nice time over Christmas, but all my doubts started again. I was trying to ignore them, but I felt like I had to level with him since he had bought an expensive ticket for me to go to this party on New Year's Day. If I leveled on how I felt and he would rather not go together, he coud easily sell the ticket. I never want to be a user or mislead someone. Well, long story short, we're over. I just feel terrible though. I don't know if it's just the loss of someone I know was great to me and the thought of being destined to be alone or what it is. I say I know this is the right thing, but then have these doubts. I think that by now (5 months) I would feel in love with him if I was. I didn't want to use him or jerk him around. In some ways I feel like I'm reliving my life. I was hung up on someone else years ago. I didn't "resign" myself to marrying my now ex until I knew that the chance with that guy was gone. I had feelings for my ex, but had doubts I ignored. End result - I'm divorced.I don't want any repeats or for either one of us to settle for less. Any words of advice or general comment are appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 7:40pm
It makes total sense, but I don't think it applies here. As for the "slime" guy situation, I was really hoping it would turn around. I don't think I really realized he was unavailable. I thought he was just having issues getting over his long term marriage. I had an instant attraction to him too. I was excited about getting to see him. With the other guy, I felt really turned off on the second date. My neice even noticed it. I was trying to make myself fall in love with him because he was such a good guy. I think I'm quite ready for a committed long term relationship. However, I do think if it gets to the idea of marriage, I would have some reservations due to the fact it might mean my uprooting my daughter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 9:00pm

You may have some commitment issues, however I don't think this guy was the one for you. All the things you described are very similar to what I used to feel with my ex-husband. Sex was a chore. It should never be. Coming home was painful. Home should always be a place that you run to.


I think your insights are good and I think there are probably more that you'll learn about down the road. For now, I would trust what you did and go forward from here. Stop doubting yourself! :o)



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 9:20pm
Thanks! I'm sure I will have some reservations if I ever get to a "will you marry me" situation in the future due to the fact I'm divorced and have been single now for over 7 years. However, I think I'll be able to work through them if it's a guy that I've fallen for and feels the same way about me. I guess I just get depressed by the idea that it'll never happen. The holidays don't help either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 11:34am

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But if you read the book Sheri mentioned, this is EXACTLY the signs of a passive commitment-phobe (which I SOOOOO am too and this book really is great). You picked the slimeball guy who probably not only treated you badly but was also getting over a very long-term relationship. Whether or not you consciously knew it, deep down, you knew that he was not ready for a relationship or commitment. Being attracted to these guys that we have no chance with and not being attracted to the ones that are nice, good to us and ready for a commitment makes us passive commitment-phobes. When you read the book, I bet you will go down the list of things and say, "yup, yup, yup, that's me!". You might think you are ready, but the actions of picking guys that are not is a way of keeping yourself from actually doing so.

Anyway, it's just a thought but it is a good book for anyone, I think. Regardless, I think you made the right decision. You shouldn't have to force yourself to like someone but you also shouldn't put up with slimeball behavior in hopes that things will turn around because 99% of the time, they won't and you'll wind up getting more hurt in the end.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 12:33pm
I definitely hear what you're saying and think I may have some commitment issues. What I meant about "slime" guy is that I didn't know he was still getting over the long term relationship until after I was already hooked. I was attracted at the first meet. I guess I just think that if it was strictly a commitment issue, then I would at least be really attracted to this guy I ended it with. I was trying to ignore things that were really turning me off. Would commitment issues cause you not to even be really physically attracted to someone?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 12:44pm
I think they can but it probably is just your preferences as well. If you're not attracted, you're not attracted. I met a nice guy a few weeks ago and I was trying to convince myself that I should go out with him again even though I felt ZERO sparks but he was a nice guy and the conversation went well. But after reviewing the meet in my head and the fact that he tried to kiss me at the end and my body tensed up and my mind was doing this super-slo-mo thing of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", I decided that I was not going to force it since I didn't see it happening. I don't think that was my commitment issues talking, it was my lack of attraction which wasn't going to change!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

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