Losing Hope
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| Tue, 09-06-2005 - 7:31am |
Well, there goes another one. We had been seeing each other for 2 months. I wanted to start slow and be friends first then the past three weeks we were getting closer. Started kissing. Seeing each other more. Communicating everyday. He was buying me stuff, taking me out to dinner. I had taken my profile down. It didn't feel right to be with this guy and meeting others. This is something I chose to do. And glad I did.
I last saw him friday and we were kissing. I had stopped it before it got too far. I told him that I needed to know where we were going before we become intimate.
He called and said he respected me alot for not going through with it. I felt I needed to know where we stood. I think it is reasonable to ask if this is something we should persue. He made me feel so bad in asking. I was being pushy. I was expecting alot from him. He didn't know what he wants and doesn't know whether he wants a relationship or not because he is too busy. Then accused me of keeping my profile up looking for other guys. He doesn't want to make plans for future dates.
Excuses, Excuses, Excuses.
It hurts. It really does. And I don't know what's worse the rejection or that horrible feeling of disappointment. But, really, a lost of a friend who I had alot in common with.
I'm glad I didn't get too emotionally involved. It doesn't hurt AS much.
I'm starting to believe that these guys are not looking for a 1 on 1 relationship. Oh, I can't see anyone, but they can keep their options open and not have a steady relationship with just one girl.
Maybe it was wrong of me to ask too soon. I just didn't feel comfortable moving into anything physical until I knew where we were going.

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I'm sorry you had this experience and I'm hoping that the next one will be better. You'll get a variety of advice on what you could do to prevent this in the future...
Personally I employ a 3 month rule. I don't even let myself get into those situations until the 3 month mark so this way I can get to know the man and he gets to know me. I don't know if that will help you at all, but if it does, feel free to adopt the idea. (I won't charge ya.... hehe)
Again, I'm sorry you went through this. Take a break and then get back in the game.
Good luck and feel free to post as often as you need. We're here to help!
Two months is not "too soon" to talk about expectations and hopes for your budding relationship, although it is too soon to *know* where the relationship is headed. Personally, I would have discussed what each of you were looking for in general (what type of relationship) right away, to see if you were on the same page, and then at two months, prior to sleeping together, discussed exclusivity and monogamy. I don't think that a couple can really know "where they are going" in two months, but each person can certainly know what they want, and can commit to exclusivity if they so desire.
I'm curious as to whether you discussed anything about what type of relationship he was looking for earlier and he changed his tune about not knowing what he wanted, or if you didn't discuss it at all. Doesn't really matter now, but I'm just curious.
I don't think that asking now vs. asking later would have changed the fact that he doesn't want a serious relationship, so NO you were not "wrong" to ask. Even if he felt as I do that it's too soon to know, if he were right for you he would have said something along those lines...something like "I want to continue to get to know you and I do want a serious r'ship with the right person but it's too soon to know whether we are right for each other".
Sheri
Sheri, just wondering... shouldn't the "what do you want" talk come within the first few dates? If one person ultimately wants a relationship and the other just wants something casual, then 2 months will build expectations that may fall...
I don't really take things past date 2 if I don't know what he is ultimately looking for. Doesn't mean he has to have it with me, but I want to know we're on the same page at least so nobody's time is wasted...
sorry to hear things aren't working out. I'm at the 2 1/2 month mark with D. Even though we're 3 hrs away (yuck) we talked about exclusivity, aka: boyfriend/girlfriend. We which both agreed on. BUT...he hates it when I bring up another guy but it's okay for him to talk about past girlfriends AND I've removed my profile but his is still up (though it says active past 3 wks - or whatever). He says he wants a permanent relationship, talks about the future, possibly living together and I made a slip of the tongue and told him I was falling in love with him! His response was "Falling in love!?!? I have to say I've been feeling pretty strong feelings for you too. Just been taking a slow for me, as I jumped too fast and made a fool of myself. I'm touched and very happy to know that I'm doing things right. Give me time to reciprocate my feelings verbally. You already know how I feel about you through my actions. :-)"....but I'm thinking he has commitment issues. He's been acting different since that conversation.....guys can be so wishy washy sometimes....
I wish I was as strong as you in not getting too emotionally involved....and I think disappointment hurts more...
again..I'm sorry this has happened.
Absolutely...that's why I said in my post that I would have discussed that topic "right away"...by that, I meant within the first couple of dates.
Sheri
Can I offer you a tidbit that I learned the hard way?
We did have a talk about what we are looking for in that 'Special Someone'. And I felt we were on the same page. But, it just seemed on his side "I'm looking for a relationship, but just don't know if I can handle it. I don't know if I really want one."
You would think people over 40 would have a clue as to what they do want.
Hey Donna, don't you just hate that double standard. They don't want to hear about our ex's and our past life, but they sure like to biotch about there's. Now tell me what's the difference between me drooling over Vince Vaughn and them having subscriptions to nudie magazines? The only difference (unfortunately) is that Vince Vaughn has his clothes on.
Can't win.
P.S He did IM me this morning - the guy not Vince Vaughn. I'm not that lucky.
We've all experienced that disappointment and rejection and it sucks. Just feel good that you got out of this with your integrity intact. It seems to me that the 2 month mark is where people decide to fish or cut bait. I've had 2 relationships end at that point, so I'm learning to accept that. Now the one thing that I do see as the problem here is that you didn't have that talk on date 2 or 3 about your relationship (in general) goals.
You said:
Don't feel bad for asking. You have respect for yourself and your body and made it clear that sex without committment is not acceptable. It's NOT unreasonable to expect him to respect you as long as he's dating you, however long that may be. Jeez! Why do these clowns think we're lookin' for an engagement ring or something when we expect sex to be contingent with exclusivity. This is why it's important to get that out there by date 2 or 3. Is this gonna be about casual dating/sex or do you both ultimately want a real mate?
Hang in there girl, take a little bit of time to feel sorry for yourself (but only a little) and then pick yourself up and treat yourself to some fun and then get back on the horse.
Best of Luck to you,
Chele
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