Lunch again

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Lunch again
8
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 4:04pm

So Sean e-mailed me (I've been unavailable via IM) wanting to know if I'd like to have lunch Thurs or Fri. I am going with Thurs because the hour he proposes on Fri is not convenient for me.

After I replied, I relented and turned on IM again, so a little while ago I heard from him via IM saying he's so glad we can get together and something about if this week weren't so hectic he would have suggested dinner. I asked what was so hectic about THIS week, and he gave me a long list of things, most of which would not interfere with dinner.

My take on this is that he doesn't want to go out when he is tired. If this is because he wants to make a good impression on a first "date" (though we have been out to lunch a couple of times already) then great. If this is because he never likes to go out in the evenings when he is tired, then NOT great because as I've said before, I am not looking for a lunch buddy.

On the positive side, I now get the feeling that he *is* interesting in a dating sort of relationship even if he is going at it somewhat slowly. :) I will make a point of asking if next week will be easier for dinner, and (depending on how he seems to respond to the question) I may suggest that we get together for dinner sometime next week. It will still be a work night (if he wants to go out with me on a weekend night, he'll have to ask) but at least we'd be moving beyond lunch buddies to possible dinner buddies.

For this week, however, it'll be lunch again. :)

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 6:54pm
Tell him you were never a lunch person and that you usually skip lunch and that you were just being agreeable to be nice lol. Tell him you are much more of a dinner person and would really enjoy eating dinner instead because it's more YOUR kind of meal ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 8:04pm
Okay, so lunch one more time, but then the
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 8:24pm

:)

I've already told him (and it's the truth) that I usually don't eat lunch unless I'm with friends. Days when I don't have friends or business associates wanting to go out to lunch, I may just run down to Starbucks, get a coffee and sandwich and eat in my office while doing something else.

Of course, I usually do eat lunch at least three times a week because there are always friends who want to to catch up, or there may be business lunches or whatever. But I really am not a lunch person.

The thing I don't understand is why this guy is moving so slowly. We started e-mailing around two weeks ago. We went out to lunch twice last week. Our conversation, both in person and in IM is personal. We aren't just talking about current events. Isn't it time to do a dinner or something else more date-y than lunch? I thought maybe he wasn't interested in dating, but now I am thinking maybe he is.

I'll do lunch this Thursday, but after that I hope we can switch to dinners. I just need to find some nice, unembarrassing (for him or me) ways of suggesting "Yes, I am interested" while at lunch in a place where any of my co-workers or his may appear at any minute. (Cleavage and a rose in my teeth won't be quite subtle enough.)

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 8:37pm

Oh, yes. I think it's very positive that he wants to see me. I just wish I knew why only lunch. I do believe that he has a busy week, but I think that his not asking me for dinner isn't because of conflicting appointments but because he is going to be tired. And that being the case, I hope it's not a typical thing.

One step at a time: lunch this week, dinner next week if he agrees, then broad hints about a movie or concert or whatever the following week end. If he seems interested and if I still like him. ;)

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 2:57pm

Elarisa,

My concern would be why only lunch-what keeps him so occupied in the evening that he hasn't offered that time to you....

I'm in a similar situation. I've been meeing a really nice guy that I met on line for the last month. Our first dates were in the evening (fridays) and then two weekday lunches. I've become suspicious of his actions, because he doesn't call me often, we ususally exchange tex messages- which is fine. Then this past weekend he couldn't get away (work(he primarily works evenings) and his kids(the kids live with him), and this just kind of reinforced the concern that maybe this guy is married (still living as married with his wife). I don't know, is this guy a player?

Could this be possible in your relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 10:17pm

Hi Notkimmiez,

I don't think Sean is married because it would be too risky for him to try to date me (even just for lunch) since we have a work connection. (His company does work for my company. He is currently working on a project for another division of my company. We have acquaintances in common. I worked on a project two or three years ago with one of the guys in the division he is working for.) Someone who knew him might tell me he was married without meaning to be malicious. I doubt he'd take such a risk when he could more easily date women who didn't work across the street from him. Plus, I tend to have a good sense of when people are being honest, and he doesn't strike me as a player.

What I think is going on is that either he is ambivalent (he's not sure he wants to date, or not sure he wants to date me) or he is nervous about getting too involved too quickly, or something like that. It may be also that he is dating several women and since I am available for lunch he figures he will take the other ones (who don't work as near him as I do) to dinner. It doesn't matter why, though. I think it comes down to whether he is going to be available in the evenings or not. I figure I'll do one more lunch and then if he doesn't want to get together in the evenings, I will stop seeing him.

Too bad about your guy. Have you done anything to check on him?

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 8:39am

Elarisa,

For you I'm glad that I'm wrong. For me I haven't check out too much, I did a little digging, like I found out his wife's name and insinuated that I knew who she was (i don't) to see if he bolted, which he didn't. We will have some social contact this spring, and I will see how he includes me in that situation. I don't know how much to check out, we don't have an exclusive relationship (actions implied, but nothing spoken). Both of our profiles say that were not looking for anything serious, but you know how that goes. I really like him and it appears that the feeling is mutual. He also told me that he isn't going to renew his online memebership, because he likes us. So what would you do to check him out? Would you check him out? I don't want to be that overbearing untrusting person (and that's been a problem in the past-i trust too much).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 9:51am

Re: finding out if a guy is married.

I'm sorry you have this concern about the guy you are dating. I agree that even if you don't have exclusivity, it's important to know enough about him that you don't feel he is leading you on.

I don't know enough about how to check out a person (others here will be more helpful, I assume) but there are services online that will find out things like is he married, does he own a house, etc. Divorce decrees are public records. It might be worth your while to hire one of these services to check out the basic question of whether the guy is married or living with someone.

What I've done in my very limited OLD experience has been to check out the guy on the internet. It's amazing how often you find information about people through a google search. Most of the (few) guys I've actually met have had web pages or are mentioned on work related web pages. I find that reassuring for some reason. This didn't tell me if they were/weren't married, but at least I didn't run into any mentions of wives. ;)

I know it is hard when you are dating someone and, on the one hand, you are getting the message that he is interested and "right" for you but on the other hand he isn't always available. It seems to me that you shouldn't take down your profile until he has a bit more time for you. Perhaps you could give him a hint about this? (As in, "I like you a lot, but I am not going to take down my profile because I like to go out on Saturday nights and you're often too busy"?)

Good luck!

Elsa