Lunch meeting

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Lunch meeting
16
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 9:47pm

Hi,

So I met with the guy I've been talking about (the whole "how shall I send the pictures?" saga) and it went well. Not spectacular -- but I think we liked each other.

We have a lot of interests in common, and I am rather awed by some of the things he has done while he is obviously impressed by my position and the kinds of things I get to do at work. We are both night owls.

He paid for my lunch--no fuss about it, he just did. (I ordered first, and he was there with the money before I was, but not at all in an ostentious way. Just like this was the right thing to do.) I like that.

He opened doors for me in the same way--no fanfare, but he was always there at the door to open it for me. That was pleasant too.

But he flirted with me less in person than in e-mail.

And although he asked for a date, it is another lunch date (granted, for this week) instead of a weekend evening date. We'll be having lunch on Friday.

I have a question for you all about who should pay next time. The date was his idea, but he paid this time. I probably make more money than he does, and I don't want to take advantage. On the other hand, I don't want him to take my offer to pay my share as a sign that I am not interested in dating. And it's only lunch, so it's not going to be all that expensive. What do you all advise?

Elsa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 9:53pm
I say let him pay...you're worth it. :-)
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 10:00pm

Both of you are in your 50s yes? I say offer to pay your share or leave a tip or say "it's my turn since you did it last time." Then politely accept whatever he accedes to...

Since I am clueless in dating but that's me.

Mark, age 53 single since 2000, married for 19 yrs and last relationship Nov 2005 (1.5 yrs long)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 10:10pm

Glad to hear you had a nice time!

I would not pay until your 4th date or so and then you should treat him (as opposed to going dutch--that's never a good idea when you're dating IMO). I'm a big believer in the courtship thing for the first few dates.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 10:33pm

I would offer to pay your share to show you are willing to do so but he asked you out and is probably expecting to pay. Someone who is interested in you won't take an offer to pay when the check comes as a sign that you aren't interested unless you are really stubborn about it. Offer once, if he says he has it...let him have it.

If he offers to pay again on this date, and things go well, tell him that you've really enjoyed the time you've spent getting to know each other (to reassure him in case he was questioning about your offer to pay...he shouldn't be but some men are a little intimidated by a woman who makes more, especially if he knows you make more through the conversation you have probably had about your jobs) and offer to take him out the next time- maybe suggest a place you've been wanting to try (that way you try out a fun new place and you get a date to try it out with). Just an idea.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 11:42pm

Thanks.

I don't doubt that I am worth it, but on the other hand, let's be fair here. It isn't really right that we should expect the man to pay the bill all the time.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 11:51pm

Hi Mark,

Yes, we're both early 50's like you. (He's almost 52; I just turned 51.) So I appreciate your take on it. As a man, you can speak more to what my date might be feeling.

I have no problem paying. I just don't want him to feel that I am not interested in him as a date. This is especially important, I think, because it is lunch, not dinner. (Lunch is a more "platonic" meal. :) ) We may decide that we just want to be friends, but I don't want to close the possibility of something else (if he is interested) yet.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 12:20am

Courtship is fun. On the other hand, it does seem unfair to the man sometimes to have him pay most of the time.

I'm not sure how it will go with this guy. I think we are probably at very different stages in our lives. He's been divorced longer for one thing. It's been scarcely a year since my divorce was final. I haven't dated that much. I am ambivalent about what I want. He seems to be a little clearer in what he wants in his personal life. In contrast, he is at a crossroads in his professional life, while my career is pretty much set for the next two to six years. (I may fuss about getting/not getting a promotion, but I'm not going to need to make any major changes in direction unless I want to.) He has no kids. I have two almost-adult kids that I keep talking about. I don't know. I know he could be a friend. More than that...?

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 12:30am

Yes, at some point soon, if we go on seeing each other, I will definitely offer to treat to something I'm interested in. Lunches are tricky because we don't have a lot of time (neither of us punches a time clock, but the work is there waiting for us, and we can't just take off for a couple of hours). So we will go to one of a handful of places near where we work. So I can't really say that I want to try a new place.

I think what I will do is offer to pay "this time since you paid last" but I will phrase it like "If we share the costs we can do this more often" or something like that.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Elsa

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 1:26am

Hmm?? I don't expect the man to pay "most of the time", just on the first couple-3 dates. Usually I go to taking turns after that.

In any event, I think splitting the check sends a clear "friends" message so I would not do that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 3:58am

YEY!!!!!!!!! Im SO glad to hear it went so well!!!!

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