Major Body Flaws

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Major Body Flaws
9
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 10:23am

Okay, I had a meet and greet on Saturday with a guy I had been chatting with, and although attractive it was clearly evident that he had been in a fire. His head and part of his forehead and both hands were scarred. During our conversation, I asked about his scars. I said "I can see you were in a fire and wanted to know when it happened? His response was I should of asked "may I ask you about your scars since it is evident he was in a fire", blah, blah, blah. I apologized but told him that yes it was evident and since he had not mentioned it (plus his photos online do not show any such scarring) I was wondering when it happened. It happened when he was 9 years old and of course now that I look at the pics online I notice some scarring but because of distance you can't really tell. Anyway his experience has been that women NEVER ask about the scars but they have ghosted on him. I apparently was the only person who blatantly asked!

Several years ago, I met another guy who told me he had been in a car accident and recovered but when we met his whole left side was paralyzed. Of course, when we met I asked him about the paralysis (mainly how come you didn't mention it) and he stated that he wanted to meet women who were into him because of who he is and not because of his physical attributes.

P.S. I don't have pretty feet and if a guy has on his profile or during conversation states he likes pretty feet or has a foot fetish, then I'm honest and say well I don't have pretty feet so I don't want to waste your time.

Okay, is it me or what or am I missing something here??? Am I being superficial? Has anyone else experienced this? Shouldn't these "major body flaws" be mentioned in conversation prior to meeting??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 10:47am

I think it's good when the person includes mention of it in their profile.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 10:57am

I have a large scar all the way across my mid-riff so I ask about scars because I have one and want to know if they have any too. It can turn into a good conversation finding out what where and how. If I were in your position, quite frankly, I would have asked about it too. Even though I hung out with someone who had an engine blow up in face so major visble scarring doesn't bother me, but I'm just plain nosy and want to know too.

However, I do think people should disclose any major physical traits (scarring, paralysis, wheelchair) either in the profile or within the 1st couple conversations.

I'm not online dating anymore but I still peruse the profiles on my old site for something to do while waiting for the dryer to stop and I've seen one profile of a guy in a wheelchair and I do wish I were still a paying member just to send him an email that his profile is awesome and quite frankly, if I were in FL, I'd be all over him!!!

Lorrie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 11:03am

It's not being shallow to want to know what someone looks like. Severe scars or other disabilities should be disclosed to someone who might be interested. To do otherwise, I feel, is not being fair either. However, I can see the guy's point of view if he's been bailed before due to his looks. It's a tough situation, but I do think the guy should have told you before you met--at least so you would be prepared and not shocked to see this.

Even though I know looks are not everything, I still think that looks are important enough that if there is no picture with a guy's profile, I usually pass on trying to get to know the guy. At the very least, I ask for a photo.

Before I ever joined an online dating service, I had a very bad blind date. Not only did the guy look like a backward country bob, he was so "unworldly" that he was very hard to talk to. This was a double-date a good friend of mine set up with her, her husband and the husband's brother. Blind date guy looked nothing like his brother--didn't even look like they came from the same family. I had forgotten just how bad blind dates could be until I experienced this again. Remembered WHY I didn't like blind dates once again. I will never do another one without knowing what the guy looks like beforehand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 8:09pm

Update:

We got passed the conversation about scarring and he eventually told me it happened when he was 9 years old. Anyway our date progressed and ended with us both wanting to see each other again. Today being Monday, he did call twice and although we are playing phone tag, it seems that we can at least continue building towards a friendship. Time will tell. Regardless of his scarring, he is an attractive man; but because he didn't mention it, I'm just keeping my eyes open for any more possible surprises!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Mon, 08-01-2005 - 8:20pm

Let me rephrased:

Okay he called twice this evening and I just found out that he called me twice today (while I was at work). Uh, I think he is calling me too much!

Obviously didn't ghost on him due to scarring, but now I'm thinking if he is acting desperate (for the sake of having a friend). Geez, if it ain't one thing it's another. Time will tell, and if he doesn't chill, he truly will run me away!

Mmh, seems like there are some behavioral flaws! DARN!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 12:38am
Can't say I'm thrilled with the term "major body flaws". If "body art" tattoos and piercings are mentioned I would think visable scarring would be. Could be rather a shock to meet someone and find they had a large amount of scarring. I would have asked about it

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2005
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 10:46am
You are definitly NOT being superficial. Guys need to be way more honest about this kind of stuff. They want you to be. It is like buying a Louis Vuitton on eBay that they swear up and down is "authentic". You pay out the bootie for it, get it home, and it is as fake as Pam Anderson's clevage. Today the guy you meet has scars, tomorrow they have erectile dysfunction. No worries, if you think you are in the wrong, I say all this and sleep at night.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 11:43am
He may be afraid that you'll disappear on him. I'm sure he's insecure about the scarring as well as maybe other factors. And, yes, if he calls too much, he will drive you away for sure. It's hard to not be anxious with any dating relationship. I don't think I've ever given off "desperation" vibes to any guy I was interested in, but I did have a very real fear that the guy would bail out on me. That has been the case several times now when I actually wanted to get to know the guy better and spend more time with him. Maybe he sensed the anxiety in me. It is very hard for me to act non-chalant about dating. I know the heartache of disappointment when things don't work out. I also don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I think the "majority" of men don't actually want to hurt feelings either...they just end up not knowing what to do and end up disappearing rather than being upfront about their feelings and what they want in life & in relationships. I'd say give this guy a chance, get to know him, but do him a favor and don't lead him to believe he is the "one" until you actually know this (if it happens). You have to guard your own feelings here, but be honest with him if you don't think you'd want anything long-term with him. Let him know you also want to date others. Keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-02-2005 - 1:35pm

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You are too funny!! ROTFLMAO