In MAJOR need of some advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2006
In MAJOR need of some advice...
5
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 12:39pm

Please excuse the long wall of text:

I am dating a guy long distance right now. I am in Arizona, he is in Jersey, and we have been in a relationship for almost 3 months now. Yesterday I ran into a big problem with him. I was checking my emails, and I noticed that there was an email from him in my inbox. Well I opened it up, and there was a picture of a girl exposing her breast in the picture. It showed that it was sent to him the night before. Well, I had sent him a few texts the night before, and he had told me that he couldnt really talk on the phone because he was working on a big paper for school. (He is 20 and in college, and I am 24.) Well, I immediately called him and confronted him on why this picture had been first of all, sent to him, and second of all, forwarded to MY email! Well he was confused at first, and claimed that he didnt even know what I was talking about. I got very angry at him, and hung up on him. He then called me back and said that he remembered that his friend had sent him that picture, and he must have forwarded it to me by accident instead of deleting it right away. The funny thing about that is that the email address that the pic was sent from was an obvious girl's email address. It was cutiepiegirly34 or something like that. He told me that he loved me, and he would never do anything to hurt me. I confronted him again about it, and he got really angry at me and told me that it hurt him that I didnt trust him. He snapped at me and hung up. Well a few hours later, I called him back and we talked things over. I told him that I have been hurt in the past, and I didnt want anything like that to happen again. He told me that he would never hurt me like that. My problem now, is that I dont know wether or not to trust him again, or not.... I mean I dont know if he was telling the truth. I do know that the girl that sent him the picture lives in the same town as him. And he talks to her regularly.. So it makes me doubtful, because of the distance between us.... Plus I have self esteem issues, and this doesnt help them one bit....

Can anyone give me some advice as to what I should do in this situation?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 1:27pm

Hi, I'm not sure how your question relates to online dating, but in any event, welcome to the board.

I would say that he's not completely trustworthy. Saying he would never hurt you isn't really an explanation of why another woman is sending him pictures of her boobs, is it??? And the fact that he got angry rather than understanding why you were upset and confused, and giving you a full explanation (and I personally would want assurances that he wouldn't speak to her any more--there's no reason that a guy who's involved with someone should be talking to a woman who sends him photos like that, IMO!).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 1:55pm

When I was pregnant, I went out of town for a few days and came home to find a woman's t-shirt and socks on our bedroom floor, my husband said "I would never do anything to hurt you." His first lie.

Then when I did some investigating, got some more information and confronted him with it, he became angry and blamed me. Why was I being hysterical? Didn't I trust him?

I learned that when he focused the argument on me, it was because he had done wrong and rather than own up to it, he was more comfortable making me into the bad guy. Fact was, I didn't do anything wrong. He was choosing to have an affair and he was choosing to lie about it. I didn't understand why a person would choose behavior they are ashamed of then, and I don't understand it now.

I can't say why your guy is doing what he is doing. I only know that if a guy I was dating long-distance or next door was sending up those kinds of messages, I would find another guy.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 5:24pm

My ex used that one on me more than a few times- getting angry and accusing me of not trusting him when I found something suspicious. Granted, he was a sociopath and a master manipulator- not implying at all that this applies to your boyfriend- but, I think that when someone knows that you are insecure, they will play that card with you. That's totally what it was with me. You blame yourself for being jealous, psycho, whatever, when you didn't do anything wrong.

For me, after the first time it happened (my ex had Googled "escort services"- I found it when I was using his computer), I remember the horrible feeling I had in the pit of my stomach. I thought I was being paranoid because I've always had trust issues with guys. When I confronted him, my ex said he loved me, he would never be the kind of guy that did that, yada, yada, yada. But, I know now that I should have put a lot more faith in my initial instincts. You obviously think things don't add up- so trust yourself that your instincts are probably right.

You weren't snooping- you have a legitimate right to be freaked out. In my opinion, you can't trust him. So you want to be with someone that you can't trust?

Erica

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:02pm

I would not trust him. Especially if the email address that sent it to him is obviously a girl's email.

Have you met him yet? With all the men here in Arizona (I live near Phoenix) I would run from this one.

Good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Thu, 04-20-2006 - 11:21pm

Boy, I'm not sure what to tell you. Trust issues are hard. Being in a long distance relationship with trust issues is something else again...

One of just a few reasons why I won't ever do a long distance relationship again.

Your options are to believe his rendition of events, or not believe him. I hope you are able to reach a resolution that works for you, and doesn't leave you questioning his intent. Without trust, really...what is there?