this makes me mad

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
this makes me mad
35
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 4:59pm

I hate when someone says stuff like the following:

<is so interesting and appreciates how relationships should be: trusting,
caring, etc, etc.>>>

Why do people say stuff like this? I am an American but of Russian origin. I have been in this country for 12 years and assimilated very well. I am not in need of anything and I grew up in a well to do family. So why is it that I am "so interesting and appreciate how relationships should be: trusting, caring". Bull****. I find comments like this very offensive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 5:56pm

I think that your friend is setting himself up for heartache down the road, and I totally agree with you in believing that the negative thinking is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I hope he finds what he is looking for in Russia, but I think ultimately people are people wherever you find them, and there's nothing that any one place has that another does not in terms of people and their personalities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 6:02pm

<caring, etc, etc.

My guess as to why he says this is because he's having trouble finding a US girl who would have him. What an absurd view! Does he mean to say that US "girls" DO NOT appreciate how relationships should be? Dumb.

I have read that the Russian divorce rate is high. As it is everywhere, it seems, these days. I don't believe it's strictly a case of a lack of family values, however. After 20 years two people grow and change and their needs change as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 6:10pm

>>Funny thing but I don't cook, I don't clean and I don't wash anybody's socks and I complain, b**** and whine a lot :)<<

Well, obviously the time you've spent here has ruined you. ;)

We could argue the divorce rate, but I'd rather not. I'll just say this: My belief is that the divorce rate among people with children is too high. I believe that there should not be such a thing as "no-fault" divorce for married people with kids; I think that the children's needs should be placed higher, with more importance, and that there should be a darned good reason for a divorce to be granted in that case.

One or the other partner merely being unhappy isn't enough; those people have a responsibility to their children, IMO, and society lets them out of that responsibility too easily.

In that respect, I believe that the divorce rate IS too high. I have coached too many kids' sports and seen WAY too many kids growing up in single-parent households to believe otherwise. It just tears my heart to get to know these kids and see how much they're starving for attention that they would get in a two-parent household.

I'm not slagging on single parents; they have my respect and admiration. The reason I think two-parent households are superior is because those single parents are trying to do SO MUCH, it's incredibly trying and tough on them. And I think that many of them got out of marriages for good cause, and we should support them, not ostracize them like we used to do to single parents.

That said, I do definitely think that making people stick it out through a rough patch instead of letting them get divorced simply because they're unhappy would be better for the children and for our society in the long run.

Studies have shown that people who did that- who were in a really bad spot but who saw it through and wound up staying married- are, on the whole, happier down the road than the people who got divorced.

And on this one, I'll make Vexer happy and say that more responsibility falls on MEN to take the tough road and not go off chasing the cute little college girls or whatever.

BBD syndrome is tough, but survivable, and I personally don't have any sympathy for my male co-workers who complain about their $3,000+/month child support payments when I know perfectly well that the reason they're divorced is because they wanted to go chase skirts.

At the end of the day, I think the parents in our society should take pride in the task that they are undertaking. I think we should more highly value people doing the hard work of parenting. I think it's horrible how TV and movies seem to glorify the single life, playing and partying all the time, and treating the life of raising a family like it's horrible and boring. It's not; I'd be delighted to not be single, to be raising a family and doing those accomplishments.

I think the rest of us might feel the same way, even if the family we want to build is only two people with no kids. If we don't, why are we messing around with OLD, after all?

And there's my rant for today. Tune in tomorrow and see what I come up with. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 7:53pm

NGOL-


I know an ivillager that I think you would dig.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 7:58pm

You think he and DB are a match, eh? LOL.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 8:01pm

I told him that a long time ago. Can you imagine how long the conversations would be?

Lisa

Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 8:23pm

<>

Totally agree. In fact, I'll take it a step further.

I had this discussion the other day with my friend who is going through a divorce. Bad situation that could have been avoided if they both weren't so damn stubborn, but that's a whole other story. Anyway, she went to get the paperwork started and learned that here in MI when there are children involved, there is a mandatory 6-month "cooling off" period.

Now I know this is a tad bit out there, but what if there was a mandatory 6-month waiting period before you could get *married*? Including counseling & mediation to hash out some of the issues that cause so many divorces - finances, children, etc. I'd even say prenups should be required because marriage IS a legal contract and every couple should know EXACTLY what they are getting into and what happens should they decide to dissolve the union.

If people were more conscious of the seriousness of marriage, I think it would weed out a lot of people who really can't handle it, or aren't right for each other, and we would see a LOT less divorce.

<>

Good - I'll save this can of whoop-ass for another day. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 8:50pm

Here in Canada, you can't divorce unless you've lived separate and apart for one entire year, whether or not you have children.

I think your idea is a good one, pm. It should be a lot harder and more work to get married than to un-do the I-do's.

As for prenups, it's been fairly easy to rip them up at marriage breakdown in the recent past. The Supreme Court of Canada some months ago handed down a landmark decision, which the rest of the country's courts will now follow, that will change the way marital contracts will be treated, i.e. with respect maybe?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 8:54pm

Hi Iv,

I think what might be bothering you,that bothers me, is that they are making a Blanket statement about culture, and Not giving room for the many types of people in those cultures; here or abroad.

I, for One, am SO glad to be an American, especially working in Immigration services, as I do often at my job. Been to 7 other countries, and there is Nothing as wonderful as the U.S.A.!

Also, I have friends (male) who whine and bemoan to me often, as they married either a Hispanic or an Asian woman, thinking they were (as stereotyped) demure, subservient women who treat their men like Kings, cook well and clean like a white tornado and Never complain. Wow! Do I hear the opposite of exactly that, from these men.

Bottom line: people are people, they will be good, they will be bad, they will be ugly--no matter Where the hail from!!

IMO, only, we each have our own rules, on our own planets.

truly,
Cupcake
(who cleans, cooks like a dream and can play concubine,french maid or senorita when that is the game of the evening :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 8:57pm

<(who cleans, cooks like a dream and can play concubine,french maid or senorita when that is the game of the evening :)

LOL -- you braggart!! Hey, do you have those little tidbits in your profile?

amjay