this makes me mad

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
this makes me mad
35
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 4:59pm

I hate when someone says stuff like the following:

<is so interesting and appreciates how relationships should be: trusting,
caring, etc, etc.>>>

Why do people say stuff like this? I am an American but of Russian origin. I have been in this country for 12 years and assimilated very well. I am not in need of anything and I grew up in a well to do family. So why is it that I am "so interesting and appreciate how relationships should be: trusting, caring". Bull****. I find comments like this very offensive.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 1:23pm

Sposabella and CGUN,

I hadn't read through the whole thread when I posted to Nice Guy about how I didn't agree with how he thought parents should stay together for their kids. Then after reading both of your posts, it confirmed my feelings.

I am sorry this happened to both of you. I worry about how it might affect my kid's lives also. In my 25 yr marriage, which we were 19 and 22, there wasn't alot of fighting, but more so ignoring and not talking, which I know was not a healthy role model for my kids. Yeah CGUN, many people in the 70's got married young. We had no idea just how difficult marriage and raising kids is. Hormones were dictating things at that age still!

I know now that I should have ended the fiasco I kept my kids in. My daughter, 25 now, has a 3 yr old son from a guy she divorced a few months ago(was final)that she had been involved with all through high school who was a habitual cheater.

She followed my pattern of putting up with an a**hole and his bad ways, but also told me that by seeing my strength as I went through with the divorce from her dad, and by my doing so well at getting through it, that it gave her the courage and strength to do it also, and that she knew if I could do it, that she would be able to do so well also, and she has!

Both of my kids had plenty of attention from me, but maybe 5% from their dad, if that much. He was a very selfish man and only lived for himself. I see some of these characteristics in my 21 yr old son, yet he has my caring and thoughtful side also, so I hope he will mature more and build on his good characteristics. We have talked alot, and I have told him that he can change himself and his life to be anyone or to do anything he wishes - that he just has to believe in himself. He does have some self esteem issues - which is understandable with having a dad who didn't believe in him and rarely talked to him. Not a good role model at all.

I, like yoiur parents, feel guilty about raising my kids in that environment and how it may have affected my kids' lives. But I just accept that is how it was, and that we have to move on and make better lives for ourselves. We are the only ones who can make our lives better and change them. It's been 45 years, but my life is much better and I am so happy now - even my kids comment on how nice it is to see their mom so happy.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 1:46pm

Hi Cupcake,

I congratulate you in changing your life and doing what you knew was the right thing to do, getting your sons out from a situation in which they wouldn't learn how to treat a woman right. My daughter, whose divorce was final a couple of month ago, said similar words to me, that she couldn't continue to raise her son with a dad who treated her with such disrespect and that he was a bad role model for her son as long as they stayed together. I was so proud of her for acting on the situation and not staying in it for the sake of her son!

She is a very strong woman who believes in herself and is a great mom and provides well for the two of them. She and the ex seem to have reached a way of communicating that works and isn't a bad thing, so that is good. I'm sure it will get better over time. They both seem better apart - although he (28 y/o) has a 21 yr old girl pregnant and they are living together already...so much for him being single and free! I'm sure he'll repeat the same cheating pattern with this young girl. Oh well, his life...

I also was raised somewhat violently with an alcoholic father and much fighting between my parents. He quit drinking when I was 13 and then did a 180 thankfully, but much damage had already been done to my siblings and to myself in that time, which I have worked through counseling on those issues.

I was successful in changing many of those destructive alcoholic patterns in my own family as I raised my kids, yet stayed in the marriage too long. Although I did avoid the game playing I know the ex would have done with drop offs of the kids, being the control freak he was.

It's great in what you have done with your sons - good for you AND for them! I'm sure they will turn out to be very healthy and well adjusted young men with such great guidance and love.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 4:35pm

Sunshine,


I worry about my brother, too - he followed some of my parents' footsteps.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:43pm

HI Sunshine,

Thank you, a 'hug' from someone here means a lot to me! I think your daughter has done the best thing possible, and what her ex does with his life is 'his bad'--one thing is, leopards do not change their spots, so doubt he will treat the new girl any better. Maybe warn your daughter that this girl Might come to her for comfort later and I would avoid that situation, if I were her. Yes, your daughter is a loving, caring person, but that will only cause her unneccessary concern and she Has what God gave her, happily, to take care of--her child!

How Wonderful that she has a Mom like you! I have done fine without my folks in the picture, but wonder if people who have Never had any adversity much with their parents (men I meet)can believe me when I say this is the Best thing possible. New Man wanted me to tell him some things about it, and said he was flattered I did, as I do not give out much per that, with others.

So, at some point you realize that life has to be Better than that, and only You can go about making it happen, as You did and your daughter did--good for Both of you, I admire you two!

Here's to the best life possible for you all!

Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 10:12pm

Hi CGUN,

That is so great that you have changed the patterns of your parents that you were exposed to in your formative years. That is a hard thing to overcome but you have done it and should be very proud of yourself. I am sorry your brother hasn't been able to change the patterns he learned as a child, but everyone learns their life lessons in their own time, so maybe your brother will yet one day. Keep up the good work lady...

Hi Cupcake,

I feel that people who have grown up with less turmoil in their lives, in a more "normal" family, have difficulty understanding how growing up in such a dysfunctional family setting can be. How can they really understand when they haven't experienced it, luckily for them... And I'm sure they can't really understand how it is better to not have contact with people in our lives that are still caught in negative behavior patterns...we have to leave them behind or limit our contact with them in order to live healthy lives ourselves.

You said, "...at some point you realize that life has to be Better than that, and only You can go about making it happen..." You are so very right about that and I'm glad that we have been able to change our lives for the better, despite our beginnings. I know with myself, I dwell more on the positive in my life and the goodness in it now rather than on the past. By the way, you are welcome for the hug - I have plenty to give! Thanks for your kind words also.

Sunshine

Pages